[Bark]

I feel depressed, but at the same time I don't. It's like, I can tick off almost all the symptoms, but I can still attend classes and (attempt) to study and sort of enjoy myself.... I hung out with a friend for a while, that was nice. Then I come back home, and can't help but think they'd have rather spent it with someone else given the opportunity, and who would want to be friends with me, and what's the point of everything... and basically your standard depressed thoughts. I blame myself, because I should be perfectly fine and I'm just making myself this way... and it's like my depressed thoughts are telling me I'm not depressed... funny how that works. Sometimes I wish I'd be one or the other, clearly depressed or clearly fine, but my mind wouldn't have that.

And now I'll go back and forth about that in my head.

And so many times I feel like I want to say something to someone on here, who's feeling so much worse than me (because I'm not depressed, right?), but I can't figure out what to write, or even start writing, because I feel like I'll regret it once I post it (I thought you weren't depressed?). And I want to be a clinical psychologist and help others, so I'm studying psychology (oh, you're fine), but I feel like there's no way I'll ever succeed because I can't even write a paper and I should just give up now because I'm an idiot, regardless of what others think (will you just make up your mind?!).

Life is just so frustrating. I'm even wondering whether I should post this, because I don't think I articulated myself that well, and it's just going to be a bother for everyone else. But no, that's the depressed side talking, why would you think that you're a bother? These are all cognitive distortions, see.

But it doesn't matter what you know logically when you're depressed.

And those times when I'm not (those rare times that usually only last a couple of hours, a day or two if I'm lucky), I even doubt I was ever depressed, because I feel fine and it's so easy to deal with the thoughts....

Now if the SJW doesn't work, I'm going to have to seriously consider medication (because not getting papers done and being unable to study till the last minute will probably destroy any hopes of being accepted into a clinical psychology program... programme... take your pick).

Wow, it's pretty easy to fall into a rant. It's pretty much how my mind works. I can get from tulips to peacocks to nuclear warfare to the ethical dilemmas of horse training... I guess that's one thing I don't mind about my mind: it's kind of fun wondering where the train will lead you next... hopefully a happy place. Like coyotes and moose.

Now just to persuade myself to post this nonsensical banter.... Because something is telling me I should.

[Dan12345]

You're not alone my depression comes in waves too, but you should always post here if you need help, we are all one big family. it sounds like you are insecure to me, your friends will enjoy spending time with you, just because your depressed doesn't make you a bad friend.

[alone in the world]

I to know what it is like to not know if you are well are not. the moments in between never last long enough. I struggled with school and my depression but was given some relief when I shared with aprofessor and some leeway was given. It is so not uncommon for mental health workers to be in therapy themselves especially while in school. alot of MFT programs require it and when I was getting my bachelors in social work it was suggested. Have faith in the time spent with friends because it is so easy to push them away. Glad you posted today because you helped me distract myself from my own crap in my head. try and post daily even if just to say hello. chin up things will come around and the thoughts wont seem so disjointed, your post was very clear.