[Twisted_Soul]

My mood is foul.
My life is empty.
I hate myself more then I could ever hate you.
I try to be positive about my growth but when I get setbacks and try to express them I am ignored.
Should I just shut the FU*CH up??? I mean, I call my T and get no repsonse now for 3 days.
I cry. I sob.
The "shuffling" in my head goes on and on.
Meds increased, meds decreased. Does it matter?
There is no miracle cure so what does it matter anymore????

How much longer can I go back and forth with the torture in my head?

How bout this>>>

[wi_fighter]

TS, I know you know better about what you're saying about yourself.

I don't know how your T works, but if I called my T just before the weekend, I know I wouldn't hear back until maybe noon on Monday if not later. It stinks. Heck, I can call him on a Tuesday morning and not hear back until Friday sometimes. When you just want to touch base before full-blown panic sets in, it's frustrating when they can't take 5 minutes to help avert it.

I hope you hear back soon.

[Lexicon78]

(((((Twisted Soul)))))

I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. I wish that you could find the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

It's quite common for T's to wait an eternity to get back to you. It sucks, too. Please know I am just a PM or email away!

((((Twisted soul)))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now. Should you "Shut up" as you put it? NO, I don't believe you should. I'm sorry your T has not replied to you. I hope you are able to make contact soon. But look - you needed help 3 days gao, but somehow you have found the strength in yourself to keep going even so. That is great!
Med changes - yeah, I know that frustration> My GP now trusts me enough to manage my meds but I am sick of thinking I have at last managed to cut down the sheer number I take, only to ahve to return tot he full does within weeks. I hate it. Despite knowing the necessity of it, despite knowling logically there IS NO SHAME in needing meds, I still hate it.
No, there is no miracle cure. But I still know, deep inside myself, that there is a better life than I currently have, that i have experienced that life, and that one day I will be living it again. I know you will too.

Hang in there with me, please?

[Twisted_Soul]

Wi, Lex and Caroline >>> I know...I know. I have to hang tight. I just had to get those thoughts out. Sometimes it just helps to put them out there, get myself to see them in order to deal with them.
I am sure T will call when she can.
As you know, I have abandonment issues. So, I am sure she isn't ignoring me or purposely avoiding me even though I sometimes feel like that is what is going on.
I come long ways then somehow start to sabotage all the good work.
Last week T said she was so proud of my progress.
Maybe my head today is just trying to sway it away from feeling good because it is so foreign to me.

Thanks for talking to me.

I know about getting thoughts out helping. Keep on doing it. Keep on doing it.

I can also empathise with the self sabotage and feeling like I am going backwards. Someone once suggested, however, that recovering from depression is a bit like heading for a distant mountain peak. You struggle up and up and think you have reached the summit, only to find that there is a valley between you and the next mountain peak. Then you get there, and have to cross another valley. This continues until eventually you do reach the peak. When you look back you can see all those summits and all those valleys - and only then can you realise that each summit was a little higher than the previous one, and that each valley a little less deep.

Be safe.

[Twisted_Soul]

Why can't it be as easy as the above?

Good analogy Caroline. I will try to hold that perspective in mind.

Fantastic smilie! Thanks for posting it. Yes, why can't it be that easy?

(Currently in one of the valleys, but still climbing, still climbing.)

[Twisted_Soul]

This is how messed up my head is....cause I go back and forth like a yo yo with feeling ok then feeling darker then the darkest soul.
I called T again and left message this time, no text.
She called back.
Her text feature is not working on her phone. And, I her and I have gone over before that I need to call and leave voice messages just not texts. And, I shouldn't have let 3 days go by from my text without realizing she didn't get it.
See, I try and punish myself thinking I am that lousy of a person that even my T doesn't care anymore.
It is the sneaky Monster inside of me that makes me have these thoughts and tries to get so deep into my skin to believe everyone hates me and makes me want to die.
Truly, my name here should be Twisted_Mind!!

[Fuzzybear]

oh yes the dreaded paranoia

I know what you mean!

[LILITH]

{{{{{TS}}}}} I am so sorry.... I wish that there was a miracle cure for us all.... They have not found it yet..... Hang in there my dear sister.....