[Princess Sad]

I need some guidance - I'm a lot more messed up than I had originally thought and I don't know how to fix myself.

A little background information: I've gone with undiagnosed depression (assumption, but I am fairly certain) since I was about eleven or twelve. At the very least, that is when I started having vague ideas of suicide and began to let myself down. When I was fourteen, though, was when the depression really started making an effect on my life. I got six A's and two B's the first semester of freshman year. When the second semester came, I did not want to do anything. I didn't do anything - none of my work was turned in on time if at all, test scores started falling slightly. Didn't eat lunch at school, didn't pay attention to what I wore, etc. Really wanted to kill myself but didn't make any plans. One teacher noticed something was up, asked me what was wrong. Really nice for a teacher, thought of us as people rather than just studnets. "I know it's not just laziness, something is wrong, what's wrong?" I didn't know how to answer him (plus he asked me in front of a few other kids) so I just told him I didn't know. He persisted to ask a second time a few weeks later and I just shrugged it off again. Thinking back, I know I could've told him and that probably would've taken care of my main question now, but that's done and gone. I ended up with a 2.8 GPA. Oh well. Anyway, fast forward to the very end of freshman year. I am at our senior rally, everyone is in tears, you know how it is. Meanwhile, I made myself a promise: if I still want to kill myself by sophomore year's senior rally, I will, but not until I give myself one last chance.

Now, I'm fifteen years old. It's sophomore year. The senior rally is still a long ways away, towards next summer. Recently, I've been feeling a lot worse but in some ways, better. I won't go into detail, but the self loathing is heavier and the suicidal feelings are certainly a lot less vague, harder to sleep and eat and my mind is much more cluttered overall. On the other hand, I am keeping up with my work and getting good grades. That'll soon go away though, it seems, since I'm taking even harder classes this year in order to make up for that 2.8 GPA. Anyway... I know that the things I am feeling are bad. I've recently realized how killing myself would be even more of a burden to my family than it would be if I were to keep living, and with those suicidal feelings so much closer than they ever were before, it's getting hard to hold on and I need to get help soon.

My friend let me borrow a book, It's Kind of a Funny Story. I'm sure someone here has read it - it's about a boy my age who nearly attempts suicide after he stopped taking his meds and checks himself into a mental hospital and eventually ends up on a nice, easy path to lasting happiness that he won't soon relapse from. That character is just like me, my lifestory is in that book. I want to get better too, after reading that. Not going to check myself into a mental hospital anytime soon though; I haven't even been on meds. So, being fifteen and all, I need to tell my parents before I can make any progress. I'm worried about this. I am a wuss and I am afraid of what they will say. I don't know how to tell them, and it is something I feel that I simply cannot do alone. What should I do?

Also - the money they will have to pay for the diagnosis and the treatment. Is it particularly expensive? We're in a bit of a rough situation here when it comes to money; parents make a decent amount but it's hard to say if they'll be keeping their jobs for a long time.

One more thing! What happens during the diagnosis? What kinds of questions are asked? What else does the doctor do? How confidential are your answers?

Thank you to anyone who read this far. I know it's a lot, but I have a lot on my mind and this isn't even a third of it. I hope that you all can help and I'd be very appreciative if you could.

TL;DR -Painfully depressed and don't know how to tell parents. Help?

[Leed]

Hi honey -- may I say you are definitely a very intelligent young lady!? You certainly are, and I hope you'll take the thought of suicide out of your miind as you have a wonderful future ahead of you!

HOney, you must tell your parents, without thinkiing of the money involved. That is NOT for you to worry about. That is your parents' concern. Young people have enough worries & concerns without worrying about finances. That's for parents. Ok???

Ask your parents if you can have a "sit down" talk. Then tell them exactly what has been going on with you -- when it began and how long you've been suffering from depression and feelings of suicide. Make sure they understand that this is NOT just a 'TEENAGE WHIM" but that it has been serious. Tell them you visited us here at Psych Central. Tell them we advised you to talk to them and we think that you need to see a therapist. Your Medical doctor can refer you to a GOOD therapist whom you can trust. So have your parents take you to your doctor for a referral --- you DO need therapy, honey. This isn't normal for a teenager.

Don't be afraid to talk to you parents as I'm sure you KNOW that they love you. They want the very best for you. If there's a way for them to get you therapy, they'll find it. Trust your parents honey. ALWAYS trust your parents.

God bless you and PLEASE let us know what happens, will you? We care about you. Hugs, Lee

[Princess Sad]

Thank you Lee.

I want to tell my parents. I'm just afraid. I'm hoping I can work up the courage to do it soon... I wish they would just notice so that I could tell them, it would make things so much easier.

When I tell them, I will update you all. Either I'm going to feel really good about it or I'm going to need some extra support from this place, so either way, I will definitely be posting again.

Thanks once more, telling them about Psych Central seems like a good idea.

[Tsuki632]

I'm assuming you're in the States if you need your parents permission for medical stuff. I'm not sure how everything else works there.

My story has some similarities to yours. I started having vague medical symptoms when puberty hit at 11 or 12 (sore throats, tummy aches, etc..) anything that would get me out of school. My grades were fine, I had good friends, didn't quite fit socially but no bullying or anything that would make me not want to go to school. But I knew I didn't feel right but didn't know why.

In high school I started getting chronic headaches and missing even more school. Eating, sleeping, self-care all started to decline. My grades were ok, but that was more due to a lacking public school system than my effort.

For me it was the headaches that prompted treatment. Diagnosis took a lot longer. In order to get an accurate diagnosis and treatment that works you have to be as forthcoming and honest about everything as you can. Scary stuff, I know. I left out bits and pieces, answered diagnostic tools with answers that would make me less "crazy". From your grades (when you feel ok) you're smart enough to figure out those answers too. Big mistake. It only serves to make you miserable longer.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Telling them is hard, but they are your best allies. Figuring out the money is their job, not yours to worry about. Your job is taking care of you.

Often the first step to getting a diagnosis is a full medical check-up. Thyroid and other metabolic/hormonal disorders can mimic depression. If that's the case then that needs to be treated.

After that there's a lot of talking and questions some that your medical doctor will ask, she might send you to a psychiatrist or psychologist. Mainly about what's been going on and how you're feeling, what you think about certain things. There are a bunch of standardized diagnostic tools with questions designed to differentiate psychosis (do you hear or see things that others don't? that kind of thing) from mood disorders. Talking is good.

After all that comes treatment options. Medication can help (make sure you take it properly and TELL someone if the suicidal thoughts get 'louder') Some anti-depressants can do that in young people. Keep in touch with your doctor about how it's working. DON'T just stop taking it without your doctor's help if you don't think it's working or can't take the side effects (bad plan, been there done that, don't want the t-shirt)

Talk therapy helps a lot for a lot of people, me included. My therapist used cognitive behaviour therapy. And some days we would just talk about what was in my head.

I'm not sure how confidential your answers are if you are in the States. My guess is that only information related to treatment options would be shared with your parents. i.e. "Your daughter is experiencing depression", and not "Susie-Q told me that yesterday x, y, and z happened and she rant to the bathroom and cried" Someone in the States would be better to answer that. In Canada, as long as you are capable of making an informed choice and understand the consequences you don't need your parents permission and my doctor/therapist couldn't tell anyone anything. Unless they thought I was a danger to myself or others, or told them I was going to commit a crime.

You sound like a bright girl and are headed in the right direction to get the help you need for yourself.

Lee's idea of mentioning PC when talking to your parents is great. Tell them it's been getting worse for the past couple of years. Tell them that you need to talk to a professional about your feelings.

Hold off on that senior rally promise until it's your daughter's or granddaughter's senior rally. You'll be glad you did.

[Tsuki632]

p.s. That book sounds good

[flyinggirl]

Princess,
They are right, you DO need therapy. Strike all thoughts of mental hospital out of your head. They are not going to diagnose you and clap you up. Depression is very common and ther are a lot of ways of dealing with it. There will be people who specialise in youths and their concerns. Your parents will probably be relieved when you talk to them. They have probably noticed there is something wrong and are worried and asking themselves how to talk to you about it. It is a brave step to take but a necessary one.
Let us know how it goes. We are all standing behind you and supporting you.

[jelly-bean]

Sweetie, it's obvious that you need therapy. You don't have to fear your parents but you do have to tell them. They love you and will do what it takes to help you and get those suicide thoughts out of your head and you MUST tell them about those thoughts of suicide. You are most certainly not a wuss. It takes courage just to admit there is a problem and you have already done that by coming here. I know if you were my child I would want to think that you could come to me with anything and certainly with something like this. Tell them honey!