[LostMom3]

I want the me that socialized.
I want the me that stood up for my self.
I want the me that had friends everywhere that I went.
I want the me that was loved.
I want the me that wasn't scared of anything or anybody.

When I was in high school, I took drama class, dance class, modeling class, and hung out with the cheer leaders and the football players. I didn't let anybody pick on me or anybody that was different. My friends and I would dance in the street until midnight just for the fun of it.

Then, I attempted my first suicide at the age of 15. To this day I don't know why. Other than the voices told me to. My mother had died 2 years and 6 months before that, I was living with her sister, my aunt. My aunt was a very respected nurse at the local hospital. After having my stomach pumped, she made me pretend everything was normal. But nothing was ever the same. Later, I found out that attempt was not even put in my medical files.

I lost my fun loving side, except when I could pretend well enough to fool every one around me. I lost some of my best friends that year. I quit taking dance and drama. I no longer danced in the streets with my friends. I stayed in the house, usually in the dark bedroom, listening to music.

I want to be the old me again. I want to dance in the streets again, at least one more time.

[alone in the world]

Lost,
depression definately takes things that wer pleasurable away. been there. but the only way to get it back is through therapy and possibly meds. plus you might have to push yourself a little harder to get up and out. take it slow but find a group that interest you and attend, there are always good people there. Start taking walks and just enjoy the environment and nature I find that increases my mood, and you never know who you might meet. the old you may not come back but astronger more secure person my emerge. good luck and take care.

[Leed]

Hi -- I agree with "Alone" ! I sure hope your Aunt has you in therapy. She's a nurse, so she sure should have you in therapy!!! She of all people should know how depression can affect people, because i imagiine she sees a number of people coming in to have their stomachs pumped!

In therapy, you must be open and honest about what is bothering you. Don't be afraid to tell the therapist, and don't be embarassed either because he/she has heard everything. In order to really get well, you have to get to the painful stuff in order to heal and it's no fun, but it has to be done.

And line "Alone" said, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, like try harder by gettiing up and outside, take a walk, enjoy the fresh air, enjoy the sunshine & flowers, etc. Just getting outside makes you feel better.

Best of luck and please keep us posted, will you? And keep posting here too about your progress. Hugs, Lee

[tigerlily84]

It's like I wrote this. You sound exactly like me. I remember being very type A. I saw what I wanted and I went for it. And one day I attempted to kill myself when I was 19. I still have no idea why. I think though that I am a stronger person now. I know I am not the same person, but I'm trying to start to like the new me. You are a good person. Try not to isolate yourself and attempt to talk walks and stuff as Leed and aloneintheworld have suggested. Many hugs to you. Take care of yourself, ok? Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

[LostMom3]

I dodn't get into therapy for many years. Even though my aunt is a nurse and should know the value of therapy. There is the stigma she did not and still does not want to deal with. I have just now started coming back out of my shell after a good long while. I know I won't ever be the same, but I am trying to be different than what I have been.

[Miswimmy1]

I agree that u won't be exactly the same. Events change you and that's the reality of it. You can, though, be great in a whole new way continue working thought it all with your t (if you have one).

[jelly-bean]

No one is ever the same after going through the things you and others of us have gone through. You cannot feel that much pain and not be changed by it. It is up to you whether or not the change will be for the better or the worse. You have felt the good side of life and you have felt the bad. You have made your choice as to which life you want and that's the most important step. Now you know what you need to do to get that life. It isn't easy and parts will probably be painful for you but every minute of the therapy will be worth it when you begin to see the life you want coming to you. I know you can do this! Keep us posted!

[Snowy83]

Depression has a way to make you feel like this, covering your eyes with a black cloth and see things negatively. I'm glad you start coming out of your shell now, you do it better than me You will change for the better, learn from your past, have a new perspective of things, hang out with people who really get you, understand you, distance from those hurt you. Focus on the happy moments you had before will help you stay positive. Believe that you were a happy person once, you could be like that again and even happier, that element is inside you all along, use your little finger to lift the corner of the black cloth uncover your eyes.

[Tauros789]

Same. I feel empty virtually all the time. I used to be such a clown, making jokes all the time. I've just started college, and it's hard to make new friends because I'm always tired and emotionless; it's very frustrating because I'm incessantly trying to keep a positive mood, but to no avail. Hopefully in time I will get better, though.

Hope you get better to

[LostMom3]

Originally Posted by Tauros789

Same. I feel empty virtually all the time. I used to be such a clown, making jokes all the time. I've just started college, and it's hard to make new friends because I'm always tired and emotionless; it's very frustrating because I'm incessantly trying to keep a positive mood, but to no avail. Hopefully in time I will get better, though.

Hope you get better to

You are in college. This should be the best time of your life. I am sorry it is hard for you. Maybe if you keep trying it will get easier. That is my hope for myself

I want to be the old me again. I want to dance in the streets again, at least one more time.

I love the way you put that. I hope you get to do it.
As others have said I don't think we can ever be the old us. I think if we're lucky though, having had depression can enrich us and make us grow in ways we may never have grown otherwise. Depression took huge chunks out of my life and kept me from reaching more than halfway up the ladder I was climbing. Looking back I realize that might have been a ladder to nowhere.