[alone in the world]

Having difficulties because I have to go visit my brother in law who is dying, I am so uncomfortable with the idea because I don't know what is expected of me or how to act/react. It is playing havoc with my anxiety. I am afraid it will kick my depression into over drive. I am going to support my sister who is handling this all alone except for the family as he has none. I do want to be helpful but keep thinking i will get overwhelmed with the whole scene, and how he will be. Death is something I have little experience with and I am one that does not know how to show emotions.
I am so glad after the visit I will be seeing my T.

[lynn P.]

(((alone in the world))) - sorry to hear about your BIL's prognosis. I remember when I was a teenager and had to visit my sisters FIL - I too felt very uncomfortable and had anxiety. Now that I'm older and had considerable deaths in the family / acquaintances, I'm more confident with how to act.

I've found its best to act normal unless you have some kind of peace to settle. For example with my mother I had some nice things to say and thank her for. We recently had a friend pass away from cancer and I treated him the same as when he was well. Only difference is, I asked if there was anything he and his wife needed.

Trust your instincts - if you feel sad, that's fine and if you don't that's fine too. I found the friend just wanted company. Death is something we'll all be touched by and in the Western culture we don't handle it as well as other cultures. I wish you strength in supporting your BIL and your sister.

[Leed]

Is your BIL lucid? Can he talk? If he can, just talk to him normally, and goo by how he talks. Don't give him any false hopes. Let him do alot of the talking if he wants to. But first just see how he feels and what his outlook is.

You can just keep him cmpany cause many people who are dying feel incredibly lonely. I know my husband did. I was there all the time, but that's not the same. He wanted his friends around, and they came early on, but when things started getting bad, no one came, and that hurt him. So be there for him, and let him talk.

Best of luck and thanks for going for him. That's what friends are for. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[nicoleb2]

I have dealt with the deaths of both my parents and all of my grandparents, so I kind of know how to deal with it a bit, but it's not the same for everyone.

I remember when my dad was dying and my grandpa, they just wanted us to talk like we always did. Occasionally, they would talk about their impending deaths, but mostly, they wanted to make the most of the time they had left.

Avoid saying things like "it'll be ok and I know how you feel", even to your sister. I guess these things are ok with some people, but for me it felt incredibly invalidating, because nobody can "know" how we as individuals feel, and it won't be ok, not for a while at least. It will be a huge, heartbreaking part of life.

As for what is expected of you, if you are able to, offer help with cooking, cleaning, etc. If there's nothing specific, maybe just take care of the dishes so your sister can be with her husband, wipe off a table, take out the garbage. Little things that seem insignificant on a daily basis, but take her away from the time they have left together.

[alone in the world]

Thanks for the respnce that seem sto be the general consenses. I handle it well yesterday as he was very lucid and has strong desire to not accept the doctors prognosis. I t was hard seeing him so small and weak and unable to walk. the negative was it made me think of my own immortality and the times when I did not want to live, how selfish of me when he is actually going through a horrible death.

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by alone in the world

Thanks for the respnce that seem sto be the general consenses. I handle it well yesterday as he was very lucid and has strong desire to not accept the doctors prognosis. I t was hard seeing him so small and weak and unable to walk. the negative was it made me think of my own immortality and the times when I did not want to live, how selfish of me when he is actually going through a horrible death.

I don't think that thinking of your own mortality and the times you didn't want to live are selfish things. I think it is a natural response to the circumstances.
When confronted with someone who is dying, our minds will naturally gravitate towards thoughts of death and dying.