[Polaris]

The sun's up and shining so bright - so why can't I get myself out of bed?
The stars at night bring me peace - so why doesn't the pain subside?
"Be positive," my mom says; "After all, it's all in your head."
That may be true, but no matter how much I know it, I still can't grasp the light.

I don't want to sleep - I can't stand the darkness and I'd rather be awake.
I don't want to be awake - I can't bear the emptiness and I'd rather be asleep.
I keep myself up til the sun rises - the fear of nightmares I'm not brave enough to face.
I force myself to sleep all day - the pain of memories just cuts way too deep.

I know that I am beautiful - so why do I feel so ugly when I look into the mirror?
I know I'm smart, I know I can succeed - so why can't I feel any motivation to want to try?
I was once undaunted and passionate - so why is it that now all I can feel is fear?
I know right from wrong, I know what I need to do - so why is the only thing I end up doing is hide?

Each day is a new chance - so why don't I ever want to leave my room?
The darkness soothes my anxiety - so why does being in it make me so afraid?
They say true friends will always help - so why does being with them feel even more alone?
I smile and say that I'm fine - so why do I still secretly wish that I'll be saved?

"Talk about it, make the effort to change, and everything will be fine," mom tells me.
How could you understand these struggles are beyond the surface?
"You have it too easy, you don't deserve to complain," dad says.
How could you realize that pain, guilt, fear, and shame is what fills my days?

We don't want to be a burden - but how do we deal with the overwhelming anxiety?
We don't want to be labeled emo - but how do we express the unbearable pain?
We're told it's okay to be ourselves, but really we are to follow the normalcy defined by society.
We're told it's okay to let go, but the truth is we are to hold it in until we are no longer sane.

If the world has endless paths to offer, why does the future look so bleak?
I used to know love, I once was strong - when was I robbed of my light, my ability to breathe?
If the storm always ends, why am I stuck in this bottomless black abyss?
I used to have faith, I once held dreams - was I the one who destroyed my own peace and happiness?

Nothing seems to make sense anymore, everything seems to contradict.
I try to understand - but why do I end up with more questions than answers?
My emotions and moods are volatile, it confuses me as much as it makes me sick.
I try not to give up - but how am I to endure when I'm held captive to this undying mental cancer?

All that I was interested in - how did I lose myself?
All that I believed - when did hope disappear?
All that I fought for - how long have I been locked in this cell?
A reason to look forward to tomorrow - how long has it been since I felt any excitement here?

Sorrow, pain, confusion, frustration, shame and guilt - what happened to the patience, the pride, the clarity and the strength?
Darkness, hopelessness, listlessness - how am I supposed to find the light and restore the faith?

If the tears can't wash away all the fears I haven't faced, how am I supposed to keep my head up? Keep trying?
If the only ones who understand are all gone, how can you not feel alone? Hold hope?
If you give your all to move on but you're haunted by your demons and ghosts, how do you keep trying? Stay strong?
When nothing goes right and you're surrounded by dead ends, how do you move forward? Have faith?
When the reflection I see is a stranger, where do I go... to find myself again?



Just some ramblings, I suppose. I guess, I wonder if what I feel is what you have felt or still feel, too. At one point perhaps, or maybe every day. I wonder, if..though we feel alone in our struggles, if we really aren't so alone after all.

[winter4me]

Feelings are. It is not fair, or helpful for anyone to label them good-bad-deserved-not; your mother has the right idea, but it might help if she also acknowledges the depth of your pain---which could be difficult for a parent, it is scary to think your child is suffering; and your dad may be more threatened by the emotions than your mom----do keep talking, look for the poetry (as you hit on it in your writing), keep moving if you can even when it is hard------------times come and go. You are not alone by any means----if you can, find a good therapist or consider getting yourself into doing some yoga/mindfulness (or aerobics if more your style---) a team at school? Some extracurricular activity that helps others? Let's you learn something new?---something physical and mental to help you remember, for a time, the positive feelings that DO still live inside you. When the world is dark, it seems as if it might be so always. We forget too easily better times that fly by uncounted...
And....do you have an answer to your question? Or, has this depression come unbidden from someplace inside? Is this situational or endogenous? Advice is not always useful but we tend to try to "fix" things-----sometimes the dark needs to be walked into, like in traditional tales of the hero, in order to be overcome. Or not. You know what you have going for you----don't forget, all that intelligence, beauty, and ability is still there and just as real as the sadness...

[Marcelo]

You just described ten years of my life, with a few exceptions.
Guess my demons say "hi" back you yours!