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#1
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I am a junior in high school, and I've been diagnosed with ADD, anxiety, and depression. Because I'm too chicken to talk about it with any of my friends, I thought that maybe letting it all out right here and now might make me feel a little better. I hope some of you read my story
![]() I am ranked as the best high school clarinetist in my state. And it's not a small state either. But I haven't been able to pick it up and play it in the last five weeks, because for one simple reason- I think I suck. My ears interpret that sound I produce on my clarinet into complete un-reality. People sometimes tell me that I am the best clarinetist in the state. My brain is telling me that I'm not. A lot of this misinterpretation is being created from my surroundings. My high school hates music. All they ****** care about is sports. Nobody, I mean nobody knows that I was ranked first clarinetist in the state. But they all seem to know that the new jock doofus got into the regional basketball team. All my friends get more credit than me, too. This constant nonsense about who won this game, who made that goal, it's making me insane. I've gotten so angry about my school's screwed up system that I've turned all the anger against me, and my clarinet playing. I worked hard at making that spot. Before this year, I was practicing three hours a day. And now I can't even pick it up. I used to get good grades, too. I've had to drop almost all my classes, and now it's determined that I'm gonna have to take an extra year of school. My friend had depression as well, but she ended up at a psych hospital. All I can constantly think about is doing harm to myself, and trying to make everybody feel better. I want to make myself feel better, but I truly can't. I can't focus, I can't be calm, and I can't be happy. Several doctors have put me on several medications, but all of them give me worse side effects. I feel like a lab rat. The worst part is, Lorazepam really helped me, but then I started getting slightly addicted to it. I wanted it more and more, because it seemed like the only thing that could help. I never overdosed, but my doctor took me off it. Sometimes, when I'm about to do harm to myself or I'm having a major panic attack, my mother will let me sneak one in. If not for breaking those rules, I may have cut myself already. I'm trying so hard not to. My parents have been a big help, but my father is also an alcoholic, and it really doesn't help. He can say some nasty things to me sometimes when he's under the influence. My mother also has depression and anxiety, so sometimes she's unavailable and I'm on my own. All I need is a little reassurance, and help. ![]() |
![]() gelfling, Idiot17, montanan4ever, RJ78, sadstar
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#2
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My school's kind of messed up too. The nerds are the cool ones there. It is pretty... interesting. Have you ever thought of switching to a more musically directed school?
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#3
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I love music but have no talent ... zilch! I appreciate greatly those who do. For you to be unable to recognize yours, and now to play and improve and perform for others, seems to me the cruelest sort of suffering.
I wonder--along with sad star--whether you couldn't be in a more appropriate school. Where I live, schools at every level are available to students with particular talents ... math, engineering, & science ... performing arts ... visual arts ... languages and so forth. Check with you advisor/counselor. Being ranked as the best high school clarinetist in your state and then not being accorded the possibility to study and perform accordingly would throw anyone into a depression, even if they weren't inclined that way. This situation can be fixed--maybe, once you've talked with your counselor, you won't have to do all the work yourself. Stay in touch, post often, okay? ![]() Roadie ![]() |
#4
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Junior year was a tough year for me many many many many years ago. I wonder if you have a school counselor or psychologist that you could talk to? They may be able to help you discuss with your parents and get you help with seeing a therapist who could help you.
Sleep, diet, stress reduction are all very important to you when your depression is bad. You would also benefit from some tools to help you when you cannot focus to stop the bad thoughts and get back on track. As far as medications, you do need a professional who deals specifically with teens and depression and understands how to use them to assist in the treatment. The medications are there to help you get through this. Not as a replacement for the therapy and tools we need to use on a daily basis to manage our emotions. You are important, you are talented. You will get through this - please work to get positive support whether it is friends, parents, teachers, counselor or doctors. AND mostly -- You are so BRAVE for reaching out and looking to help yourself -- please keep working toward that time when you will feel like you again and not llisten to that mean voice in your head that is telling you lies.
__________________
He drew a circle that shut me out - Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the wit to win: We drew a circle that took him in - Edwin Markham |
#5
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I believe you have forgotten why you play the clarinet. And because of this your opinion of your ability is becoming easily swayed. Without the satisfaction of doing it solely because you love it and taking everything else as it comes, there is nothing to hold you up from the negative views of others. Like an acorn in the wind you must fall to the earth, create a foundation and grow again.
Just for a while forget how good you are, forget what people think or don't think, forget about recognition, forget about fame and forget about how long this sentence is. Think about how you feel when you play the clarinet. Think about how you felt when you first touched one. Remember the smell of the wood, the shine of the joints and the complaints of all the noise you made when you sounded like a wounded elephant and didn't really care. Do you still feel these things now? Or do you instead feel only anxiety from all the other things you mentioned? Somewhere along the lines anxiety got in the way and you may have lost sight of the important things. You may have forgotten why you play the clarinet; why you love it; why you spent all that time perfecting your playing. But you know you love it - otherwise you wouldn't bother posting. So it's important that you get back in touch with what makes you love the clarinet. I believe that you have fallen into the trap of trying to be something for everyone else but have forgotten to be something for yourself. This happens to everyone. There are always concert pianists and violinists that go through similar times. They get so wrapped up in theory and sounding perfect that they forget the soul of music. They forget the enjoyment and end up being driven by other things... A good remedy is improvisation. We basically sit the player down by their instrument, take all of their sheet music away and tell them to just play. And that music must be completely new. This allows the player to become more familiar with the instrument even at their advanced level and puts them back to that place where they were just playing whatever felt right. There is no one to impress and there are no standards. You just play whatever you feel. Often the player will have something in the background to play with as a guide. I suggest using jazz because of the lax nature of it. You get a lot of "leg room" and you don't need to be perfect with timing. The point of this is simply to allow you to do what makes you feel good. That is what's really important. And hopefully this will help you to feel happy again and you may be able to have this feeling when you play at big events. What's most important is that you do this because you love it. It may be that some people simply aren't able appreciate the beauty of what you do. But you know what you do is amazing and you believe in what you do. That's all that matters.
__________________
"Have patience with all things, but, first of all with yourself." - Saint Frances de Sales |
#6
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I hear you big time about the sports vs. music. I was a music "jock" and nobody gave a damn (including my parents). I also went to school in the era before the strong promotion of girls'/womens' sports, so even if I had wanted to be an athlete, there were precisely two options, basketball and track. I might have enjoyed something like golf if it had been an option (or some other non-team, non-running sport).
I've kept up my love of music all my life, though, and still play as a serious amateur--mostly in church settings, but once in a while other opportunities arise. It has enriched my life so much. I'm glad I didn't let the jerks of my youth take that away from me. |
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