Seeking advice

Hi all,

This's my first (other than welcome) post here. If this is in the wrong section, then please accept my apology; I wasn't too sure where to put this...

The reason I'm posting this, is to hopefully get some advice, and to see if somebody else have experienced (some of) the same. I've never spoken to anybody about my issues, so if my wording is weird, I'm sorry. I'm 16 years of age (male), but please don't judge me by that.

I will try to keep it brief, and to the point.

* * *

I feel so "closed in" on myself. Like my real personality (the one I feel I am inside) is closed/trapped inside me, and I'm not able to express it through my outer body (or something like that).

It's closely related to my other problem, which is about emotions and mood. I have "deep" emotions which stay in me for a long time, and vary depending on my life situation, and what affects me in life. I can't truly identify what exactly causes these, nor exactly what they are, so I just label them with single words.

Other than that, we have everyday emotions; I can easily identify when I'm happy (delighted) or sad (depressed), but anything else (in the middle) is so dynamic and unclear that I don't what it is. Else, I may feel nothing at all.

I can have just as a strong emotional response to situations as anybody else, but I fail to express it. That leads to me to "faking" a smile, laugh or whatever.

And when I generally fail to naturally express emotions in a personal way, it really hurts inside.

Another thing, are my intense mood swings (daily/hourly), which make things only worse. I can go from feeling just "fine" in general, or ecstatic, to basically feeling depression himself. My mood is quite fragile and easily affected, and can change several times throughout the day. More frequently, I've started getting panic attacks as well, where I just want to freaking run away. I rarely cry, but I cry inside when such happens. It's like an infinite cycle which may change spinning direction at any time. I've thought several times that I was over this, but then it suddenly strikes me again. It scares me, because I know it will happen sooner or later when I don't expect it. There're other things like doubt/certainty which may change by the minute as well.

All this... I'm certain it's not just some natural variable, as I've had it all my life; developing to the worse. I don't know what's causing this.

* * *

Has anybody else here had any similar experiences? Any advice?

I would highly appreciate any response!

Congratulations on reaching out here on PC SacredSnow!

I kept to myself and inside myself at that time in my life. There was a feeling of isolation and that people just didn't get it or get me. I mastered holding my feelings in and projecting what I thought others wanted to see on the outside. I think I was afraid that what was on the inside, the genuine me with assorted ugly characteristics along with the good, would be unacceptable to people. And like if I let myself be known and they don't like me.... gulp. I rarely cried either.

If it is disrupting your life and if it seems to be growing worse maybe you should consider seeing a counselor or a therapist to discuss it. You might be able to work something out at school or involve your parent or guardian. I waited decades to talk to a therapist but it has made such a big difference, i recommend it.

> I feel so "closed in" on myself. Like my real personality (the one I feel I am inside) is closed/trapped inside me, and I'm not able to express it through my outer body (or something like that).

That sounds familiar. At first I had this overall feeling of vagueness, like something I couldnt describe then, but a disconnection from myself.

> I can have just as a strong emotional response to situations as anybody else, but I fail to express it. That leads to me to "faking" a smile, laugh or whatever.

My therapist called this 'lack of affect'. Not that I wasnt affected but I failed to express how I was affected. It caused a pause between what was said/done, and my response to it. The anxiety disrupted my sense of timing in conversations. Very uncomfortable and in my panic I would respond the way I thought the others would want me to. I felt like I was never being the real me. Before this all happened I was a master of conversational timing.

> I rarely cry, but I cry inside when such happens.

Me too. Oceans.

Hello sacred soul and welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sufferred for years as a teenager especially, with anxity issues. i got myself a therapist in college, and was in and out of hospitals because of it and also from a few accidents.head injuries etc..but anyway you should get a therapist and doc if it is so bad you must be suffering so bad i remember how painfully shy i was due to the anxiety, but did get help and still have a lot of issues, i hope you can find someone who will help you.you can learn new ways of communication.

I can relate. I've always felt no one knows the real me or would like the real me. I learned from a young age to hold in my emotions--though I've always felt emotions strongly on the inside. I just don't know how to express my emotions and sometimes I can't give a name to my emotions--its very frustrating. I have always felt empty and alone even in a crowded room.

My emotions are always on the down side and strong (never up), but it has been suggested that I not only have Major Depressive Disorder but Borderline Personality Disorder.....borderlines have strong, ever-changing emotions and it might be something to look into--especially the book by Marsha Linnehan. Just a suggestion....but I also encourage you to talk to a trained professional (therapist)--they can help you understand why you feel the way you do and they do not judge you and if you go to one, it doesn't mean you are crazy (just that you want to improve yourself).

Best of luck!

I've struggled with this as well. I struggled with depression when I was in my teens, and when I tried to express it, everyone told me I had to reason to feel like I did and to get over it. I also was really shy as well, (social anxiety? I don't know.), coupled with low self esteem. I think a lot of my life I would act as others would want me to respond and ignore how I felt. A lot of my behavior was approval seeking I think. Probably due to my early childhood. My mom was always at work and my dad had a habit of taking a bunch of pills and passing out on the couch.

I tackled these problems over time. The social part, I just pushed through. I get the tension in the pit of my stomach, but I just take a deep breath and say something intelligible when I talk. The self esteem is a roller coaster somedays. When I feel depressed my self esteem usually follows. For that I remind myself of all the things I have accomplished and try to let go of the things I failed at and made mistakes. Expressing emotions is still difficult for me. Some emotions are easier than other, laughter and happiness, joy were the easier ones to express. I struggle with expressing sadness. Frustration I can, but not really anger. I get mad, but I don't tend to yell or anything. I especially have a difficult time expressing anger towards other people. I think it's been over 5 years since I raised my voice at someone. I try to focus what is making me mad, and how do I resolve it.

The more I bottle up, the more mixed emotions I feel and the harder it is to untangle what is making me feel, happy, sad, depressed, etc. My advice is to start with the easy stuff. Laughter is probably the easiest I would think. Maybe do some soul searching and try to figure out what caused you to not show emotions. You said you feel, happy, sad etc.

I can relate. I feel no one knows the real me, just the fake outside impression they see of me. I never cry, though i feel like crying inside all the time. Not much help,but ya. Hugs.

I get it too. It's good that you can so clearly identify your symptoms, this is a good skill that can years to learn. Continue to document these. Like others have said, I think it's a great idea to visit a professional (physician, therapist, counsellor, etc) as a way to reach out to those who have experience with these symptoms. and keep posting here if you think it's useful.

Welcome!

RJ

Hi everyone! Thanks for all replies, I read through it all. Really useful advice and experience, I appreciate it.

It has really gotten way out of control for me, so I'll have to see someone soon (would a psychologist differ from a therapist, counsellor, etc.?). I'm not one who likes to boast nor one who seeks pity (makes me feel weak). I've never spoken to anybody about my emotions or issues before, so I'll try and stay composed and see how it goes.

It seems like you read my mind. It all started for me with such a feeling, then it eventually evolved into all of what I posted.

I recognise that in myself. Anger is hard to show, and I miss that "strict" voice.


It's good that you mentioned, because I haven't though too much about that, honestly.

Thank you! I certainly will try that.

> It has really gotten way out of control for me, so I'll have to see someone soon (would a psychologist differ from a therapist, counsellor, etc.?).

Thats a good question and Im not sure of the best answer. I think either a psychologist or psychiatrist first. A counselor or therapist is good at helping after your diagnosis and you know what your symptoms add up to.

I can relate to you. It is difficult to deal with emotions. I think that crying may actually help you. Although you may feel like you are suffering because you are crying, it may feel good to get some of your emotions out. Mood swings are not fun to deal with, and it is difficult to be around people while having mood swings, because you may be happy and cheery one minute, and then be angry and negative the next minute. I often wonder if people do not like me because of my mood swings, but it is so hard to control the mood swings. Anyway, I know how you feel, and I am here for you. Feel free to message me anytime, because I think that talking really does help.

Hi, here's my understanding of the professional differences among the different titles according to my experience seeing all of them here in Canada.

1. Psychiatrist - Medical doctor, can prescribe meds, often focuses on medical terminology to describe your situation. Not necessarily trained to support you through your illness, outside of diagnosing your illness according to medical model.

2. Psychologist - Has some level of post-graduate certification (either MA/MSc in psych or PhD), often trained to support clients in a clinical setting, meaning they use a variety of techniques to help you through your symptoms. They do not prescribe meds.

3. Counsellor - Has some level of education in the field of social work or counselling, perhaps a MSW, though not necessarily. They will often employ the same sort of techniques as psychologists.

4. Therapist - See all of the above! Usually a generic term for a professional offering some form of psychological support to a client. Most often refers to 2 and 3 above, but can in some cases refer to 1 as well.

Good luck,

d.