5 years full of roller coasters (a very long rant....sorry)

Hmm, where to begin? Okay since I was 12 I've dealt with self esteem issues...which led to depression, which led to my attempts to escape reality, which included countless drug/alcohol addictions, running away from home at 15, hitchhiking around the country with hippies for a year, in and out of jail, etc.
When I was 21 I got into a relationship with one of my tormentors from middle school who would always tell me that I was an ugly duck story....Always remind me that I was ugly when we were in middle school and I grew up to be very pretty, but than even that back hand compliment stopped. He'd always tell me I wasn't good enough....I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough. The emotional and physical abuse was devastating and because I thought I was in love and I really had nowhere else to go, I stayed with him for 3 years.
One day I was hit with reality of the hell I was living in, I packed my bags and moved to the next town over, found a job, met the love of my life and I was happy for a little while. Than everything came crashing down....I wrote this right after we broke up:
"I met my boyfriend a year ago...almost to the day...I live in a very very small tourist town and I actually had moved there after a bad break up....there's nothing to do in this town except go down a self destructive path, which is exactly what I was doing....

"C" was here on vacation visiting his dad when we met at the bar....he was 10 years older than me and told me he was legally separated....I believed him and didn't really care because, although he was one of the most attractive men I've ever met, I knew he was a tourist and he'd be gone soon. We had a two week fling in which we fell in love and he went back to Oregon where he was from but we talked everyday....two weeks later he came back to Arizona to live with me and that's when I found out that he wasn't legally separated... he had just left his wife and kids for me...making me the other woman...I don't have kids, I've never been married and although I am responsible, I am very immature, esp. when it came to this situation....I had never been in such a situation and I did feel extreme guilt for being the other woman...but I was in love.

Last December my mom who was also my best friend died...my self destructive path got even worse...I went to work when I was supposed to but when I wasn't working I was drowning myself in vodka..."C" expressed how much he dislike this so I worked on quitting...I never quit drinking, but I did cut down considerably and expected him to do the same, but than his father died soon after and his drinking got worse. Over my emotional grief that I was still feeling and my anger towards his continuous drunken state, I wasn't exactly the support system he needed...and I also didn't realize that at that same time he was missing his kids so much. He kept making me plan on moving to Oregon with him...I would make back up plans and he'd get angry and tell me that, no, we were going to Oregon together....

well, two weeks ago we got into a drunken fight, he called his grandfather to send him money (yes, a 35 year old who needs to borrow money) and he promised his family he'd come back home within the month....than last thursday night he decided to leave....he told me he wanted to spend one last night with me that night but around 8 pm he called me a * * * * * and told me to leave....when I asked him why he was talking to me like that he said because it was easier that way, so I left....later that night I talked to him and he was mad that I did leave...telling me I picked the wrong time to listen to him. He called me the next morning to tell me he was in Idaho and that he still wants to be in a relationship but he wants to take it slow....after a YEAR of living together, he wants to take it slow?! Than he didn't call me for days...My heart felt like it was being torn out of my chest..

yesterday, .after a thousand unanswered calls and texts I finally left a text saying, "if you don't want me anymore, be a man and tell me instead of putting me through this torture" in which he replied, "I'm with the kids, can't talk....we're done...don't call anymore"....This was my first time actually being in love...after my mom died, he became my whole life...and he knew it...and allowed it to happen...than today I found out that my supposed friend had emailed him the night he left saying she's in love with him...I know that's not why he broke up with me...He hasn't been online since he left so he wouldn't have read it, but not only am I suffering from such a horrible heart break, but I find out I can't even trust my friends?! I haven't eaten since he's left, I barely sleep more than a few hours a night, I'm a bartender and I keep crying at work...no one wants to drink when the bartender is crying!

What should I do? I know he left me for a good reason...to go back to his kids, but I feel like I will actually DIE of this heartbreak."

Sorry, I know that was very long, but I couldn't put in a summery how hurt I was by him....that was October of 2011. And yes, I'm still dealing with the pain of missing him and the pain of losing my mom, although it's been a couple of years now.
After I had wrote that a lot more has happened....I wrote this yesterday trying to voice the emotional turmoil I was feeling:
"This past year has been ultimately a train wreck. After first dealing with a very devastating break up (which I have finally let go of for the most part), I moved into an apartment with my "best friend". Things were okay at first until I realized that the apartment was nothing more than a flop house and a place to party, which did not help with my ongoing dependency on alcoholic outlets.
My roommate became the most infantile, irresponsible, emotionally disturbed person I had ever met. Going to work for her was optional so I was stuck paying the majority (some months ALL) the bills. I left a pretty stable job for a job based on promises that sounded fantastic but were never met. At this new job I was working 60 hour weeks, no lunch breaks, no smoke breaks, up to 16 hour days with no breaks and a manager that would call me a *****, a *****, and make dead mom jokes to me, knowing my mother was deceased...when I wasn't working with him, I was working with his wife, who was unstable as a person and the worst assistant manager I could have possibly ever worked under, but I needed the money to pay my bills.
I grew quickly into a depth of depression using alcohol, Xanax (not prescribed to me), and sex as a way of coping or at least occupying my mind from dwelling on how upset I was. My roommate grew increasingly unstable and violent towards me....one excuse she used when she flipped out for no reason on me on Christmas Eve was: "I just wanted to get you to punch me". There was never a quiet night at my apartment. I was constantly coming home to a party full of irresponsible and essentially homeless friends of my roommate who she's let stay for extended periods of time. I was too tired to ever voice my concerns and found my room or the bar to be my only source of solitude.
In November I met back up with a former "fling" and we decided to make things serious. My roommate had had a "crush" on him for a few years and in her warped mind, convinced herself that she had had a relationship with him (she never did), which led her to even MORE outbursts. Finally in the last week of last year everything just built up to a boiling point. After an already 12 hour work day with 4 more hours ahead of me, my assistant manager came up to me out of nowhere and accused me of giving her attitude with my eyes and insisting I wanted to fight her...I walked out of my job with no backup plan, called the owner (who knew of my problems with management and had not done anything about it, he was also the one who promised me I'd only be working 40 hour weeks, getting paid a great deal more than he was actually paying me, and would ask me out anytime he saw me) and told him I quit. My last paycheck was able to cover all my half of January's bills, but on New Years Eve, my roommate went COMPLETELY psycho to the point where I actually ended up calling the cops on her and she went to jail for the night for criminal damage (she kicked in my door) and domestic violence. The next day I moved in with my boyfriend, jobless and broke (I was unable to get a refund for the money I paid towards rent and other bills).
So now I live with my boyfriend who is for the most part a nice guy. We do live in the "ghetto", but I typically don't want for anything. I get along well with his 4 year old son. My boyfriend's a hard worker and treats me well, although he suffers slightly from bipolar disorder so his lows don't help my depressed lows and we do argue more than I'd like to admit to but we make up quickly. But I feel alone. I have isolated myself so much in the past two months. I hate going out now. I hate being in social situations. I have yet to find a job...and thanks to a mistake on my part, I had let my roommate borrow my car back in May, she took it upon herself to drive drunk, crashed into another car, and ran, so because of that my license is suspended making it harder to go out and job search...I guess I just feel really alone now, and I feel I don't have much of a purpose since I don't have a job.
Please excuse my rant...I really needed to get my feelings and thoughts into words."

I never feel like doing anything anymore....I've stopped calling my friends to hang out. I stopped even wanting to go out. I find it a chore just to go the store to buy cigarettes. I leave my phone off so I don't have to talk to anybody. I need some sort of help but I don't have insurance so I can't get any sort of professional assistance.

Once again...I'm very sorry for the length and perhaps lack of consistency of this post.

I'm glad you were able to get that out. Ranting is allowed here!

I suggest you see a therapist to get some support and to try to work through your past. If you can't afford a regular one, check about getting an appointment at a clinic. You might need some meds, at least for awhile.

Meanwhile, we are here to listen and to support!

Rant away... that's allowed on PC . You have so much going on in your life, it's no wonder you needed to. I'm glad you have a nice boyfriend now. And I know what you mean about finding it hard to do anything. That's a really crappy aspect of depression. Hope you keep posting.

Welcome, and wow, Daninija. I'm glad I kept reading to this paragraph:Compared to where you've been, the current situation is better, though you still suffer from depression and all the historical trauma.

Your post is documentation. Perhaps 2-1-1 might be able to point you toward resources to improve things.

Again, welcome!

Hey thanks for all feed back I broke down to my boyfriend the other night after an argument and told him I was depressed and all the reasons why....he was supportive and told me so many reassuring things....last night his brother passed away (suddenly, no warning) so now it's my turn to be there for him.

I'm amazed at how your stories remind me of my dark passed. You seem to have got yourself into quite the sticky situation. Oh, this is a fresh post too. Didn't even notice. One thing I must say tho, is if it's true love, there will always be a way to work things out. I know we've already discussed this a little and you're doing a lot better. Don't wanna get into any details on this one