[Spiffy12]

My name is Jody. I am having a really hard time right now, to the point I think I am going to need professional help.
I hurt and I am so lonely. I have never felt like this before and apparently do not have the coping skills I need to handle everything that has happened and is going on now.
Background.
I was severely abused as a child and by some miracle came out whole, healthy and intact except for a few trust issues. Like the fact I have never married because I need the ability to make an immediate clean get away.
What has caused me to be so down, some of it may seem small to you but it all adds up to weight I am becoming unable to bear.
3-19-12
My horse, my bestest bud had to be put down after 17 yrs of us being together
4-17-2012
The greatest man I ever knew. We got up, had coffee, chit chatted, at the door he wrapped himself around me, kissed me 4-5 times and said You know I love girl, Right, You know that I love you". Those were his last words to me, he died less than 4 minutes from the house of a heart attack. We were together for 10 yrs. Within one hr of notifying his ex wife, she showed up an took their son (we had custody, but because we weren't married i never had a chance to keep custody) I haven't seen him since.
8-20-2012
A couple who were good friends of ours really stepped up to help cope with the loss of Ray. Then on Aug 20th the wife (M) called me and said "I need you to come now, Please", Her husband committed suicide. He was just at my house 2 days before, helping me put down and bury my beloved pit.
Sept 2012
My dad calls his CEA levels are rising
Sept -Dec 2012 Multiple dr's appts with my dad. It's lung cancer, terminal.
Jan 2013
Dad decides to decline chemo.
Meanwhile with the loss of Ray I also lost a 2nd income and now work 2 jobs to pay my bills. My primary job cut my hrs for about 6 months which almost affected my benefits.
I also ended up in a relationship with I someone I REALLY liked. He dumped for Valentines day. On top of all of the above, me and Ray were raising chickens and he had a pet chicken and the coyotes killed and ate it, that hurt. The pug was my last piece of Ray and the stupid coyotes got him also.
Yesterday my neighbor calls me, she has breast cancer and they misdiagnosed it a year ago. Right after she calls my best friend for 44 yrs calls and tells me she has this hard lump in breast for "awhile" now and the lymph nodes under arm are hard and swollen, her mammogram came back abnormal and now we are waiting to biopsy.
I feel like I am losing every person and thing I love. All I do is cry. I cry in the car on the way to work and on the way home, I cry before I go to sleep and in the shower. I sit and hold Ray's ashes and cry for an hr at a time. I don't eat and either I don't sleep for 40 hrs or I sleep for 18. I don't think my ins will cover professional help and I can't afford to pay cash for it. I don't even know how I will find time for it I work almost 70 hrs a week and try to spend at least one day a week with my dad, who's over an hr away. I am tired, sad and lonely

[montanan4ever]

Oh my goodness, how can anyone bear such a huge bunch of burdens without help?! By all means, please DO get professional help. Go tomorrow. You need and deserve support, treatment and care. There are ways to get help at very reasonable prices. The accessibility varies from place to place and it will likely take some help to *get* to the help you need. But please do whatever you can to make that happen.

I am so sorry for your suffering. My thoughts are with you tonight.