[GirlOfManyFaces]

I don't want to leave my room but I have to go to school.
I feel sick. Every time I have to get up I want to die.
My mind races too much to do homework. I'm REALLY behind in school. If I don't catch up this week I will be dismissed.
My mother yells at me so much. She doesn't know how it kills me. After one day of her yelling at me I feel suicidal.
My father couldn't care less about me. When he does talk to me it's to tell me I'm doing something wrong. It on the bright side he hasn't hit me in a while.
My sister is far away in college and I can't go to her for support.
I'm not aloud to contact any of my old friends and my new friends aren't as close. I can't trust them.
I'm all alone in my world. I never can do anything right.
Food=self hatred. So I try not to eat.
I haven't cut in a while but that just makes me feel worse. I want to cut but if my family sees my hell will get worse.
I've tried to take sleeping pills so I could maybe sleep. And without nightmares. No luck there.
I want and need help but I can't ask for it because my hell will get worse.
I am too depressed to do anything and I'm tired of suffering.
I'm super moody and I blow up at people. I can't help it.
I hate my life and everyone around me. I'm just so negative.
Smiles feel so out of place in my life.
I can't sit still or focus. I'm so fidgety and my mind is everywhere.
I'm an ugly mess.

I can't shake these feelings. It's been going on for about a week. But the last three days heave been worse than the others.

Is anyone able to help me? Or give advice?
I'm just so sick of suffering.

[optimize990h]

I read your post. If you made it through the airport and the plane, you can make it through this. Sometimes what you are feeling disappears the next day. I don't know how you do it without the sleep. Not much advice, I know, but your situation is time sensitive. There is no quick solution from me.

I wish one of us could say something wise and insightful that would really help. In the greater scheme of things you really aren't alone

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by optimize990h

I read your post. If you made it through the airport and the plane, you can make it through this. Sometimes what you are feeling disappears the next day. I don't know how you do it without the sleep. Not much advice, I know, but your situation is time sensitive. There is no quick solution from me.

I might have physically made it out of the airport. But my mind and what little sanity I had left was broken.

I sleep. But with nightmares and when I wake up I don't even remember sleeping because I thought I was awake in the nightmare. So sleep is pointless. I feel worse after sleeping.

[Meisjes]

school counsellor? principal? a teacher? I understand that you feel it will get worse if you tell someone but you really need to start talking to someone who can help you physically to get to a better place. It won't be easy, but it doesn't need to be the way it is now. you'll need to make the first step to ask for help around you from people who know how to do that. after that you'll have people to go to in person. of course people here too to talk with. Make a small decision, decide to ask for help at school. It might help you rest easier. practice breathing deep so you can relax a bit. Meisjes.

Yes... School counselor or teacher you are close to? Please talk to someone. I understand the overwhelm, being behind in school. I had a verbally abusive step-dad who belittled me a every opportunity. The anxiety and racing brain have been my partners for most of my life. I internalized most of it for many years until I finally cracked, I got my ADD diagnosis at age 43.

I wish I had something brilliant to say to you. I have a 15 year old daughter that went through a real rough year when she was 14, There is so much pressure on you kids these days. I really hope you get to feeling better soon.

-YYZ

I agree about talking to a school counselor please reach out for real life help, I hate seeing anyone suffer especially young kids, I have a 15 yr old daughter and I would hate to see her suffer like this

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by YYZadd

Yes... School counselor or teacher you are close to? Please talk to someone. I understand the overwhelm, being behind in school. I had a verbally abusive step-dad who belittled me a every opportunity. The anxiety and racing brain have been my partners for most of my life. I internalized most of it for many years until I finally cracked, I got my ADD diagnosis at age 43.

I wish I had something brilliant to say to you. I have a 15 year old daughter that went through a real rough year when she was 14, There is so much pressure on you kids these days. I really hope you get to feeling better soon.

-YYZ

Unfortunately when I say I'm alone, I'm serious. I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm not close to anyone. I don't even have friends really. I go to a nontraditional school so there are no counselors. And it's a self taught curriculum so no teachers really.

Thank you for replying. It literally means the world to me. I hate being alone.

You are totally welcome
Just remember we are here for you to offer support. I hope we can ease the loneliness at least a little. There could also be community counselors you could reach out to. Can you call your doctor? He could refer you to someone.

You have found us at PC, so you are not alone

[montanan4ever]

I'm glad you're able to get online and get some support this way. The Internet has saved my sanity plenty of times. I spent a number of years more or less housebound due to illness, and even with a husband and a housemate/caregiver, the loneliness and isolation were only bearable thanks to my computer.

That being said, I am deeply concerned for your safety right now. Do I understand correctly that you are not currently in treatment? If that is the case, you really, really need to get into some kind of treatment and SOON. Have you been in an inpatient setting before? Or an intensive outpatient setting?

With your nontraditional school/self taught curriculum setup, some of the safety nets that surround minors are taken away. But other safety nets do still exist. If you would like to call in some of them, I'm sure there are people here who can help you find resources. I live in New Jersey and am familiar with how things are done in this state, but I know they vary somewhat from one state to another. Here in NJ the two fastest ways to get connected to those safety nets would be to call either law enforcement (they would route your call to the appropriate people) or Youth and Family Services. You would identify yourself as a minor and that you are feeling suicidal/unsafe. In NJ everyone, even Joe Blow on the street, is legally obligated to respond to those things. (Most Joe Blows don't know that and wouldn't follow through, but the law is in place.)

I have no idea what quality of help you would get where you live by doing that, of course. Perhaps there are other folks here who would have more/better insight.

Please, I beg you. If you can't keep yourself safe, call 911 and get help.

[Ultra Darkness]

What parts of school are you having trouble with? Are there specific subjects, or is it more wide-spread?

[GirlOfManyFaces]

That being said, I am deeply concerned for your safety right now. Do I understand correctly that you are not currently in treatment? If that is the case, you really, really need to get into some kind of treatment and SOON. Have you been in an inpatient setting before? Or an intensive outpatient setting?

------------

I am not in treatment. I've never been anything. Inpatient outpatient. I have many things that hold me back.

Even if I build the guts to ask for help, when I get there I lie and say I'm fine and stuff like that. I can't help it.
I have MPD and I, myself, want help. But as soon as I am about to get it, my OTHER self clicks on and it's all bad news from there.

So it's hard to help myself with this barrier in the way.

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

What parts of school are you having trouble with? Are there specific subjects, or is it more wide-spread?

I'm just behind A LOT!! I'm really a smart kid but I can't focus with my mind racing. And I can hear my other persons bickering in my head. I just can't think straight.
Plus the lack of sleep doesn't help. And the fact that I'm starving myself. So I'm just in bad shape :/ things don't look good for me

[Meisjes]

what are your closest resourses such as medical, police, ambulance? other adults? anything? how far are they from you in walking distance or driving? You might do well to walk into someone's office in one of these places and just say "help me." Tell them you need help and you can't talk to your family, in fact you need to be in a safe place while you're getting help so that this doesn't backfire on you from your family. Try to make a plan. Look at all your options and try to keep your options open. I know that can be hard, but it is important if you're going to get help. If you were responsible for another person, a child or a friend, you would want the best for them and do what you had to to get them the help they needed. You need to do this for yourself. If someone tells you something that's helpful, print it out and take it with you to keep encouraging yourself. Like keeping them in your pocket for just in case. Please try.

Hi GirlofManyFaces...
I understand "The other me" showing up at the doctor. What if you began writing your thoughts down. The things you know you won't say in front of the doctor and mailed these to his office. Just a thought...

The racing mind and lack of sleep is something I was reminded of recently. Overall my sleep has been much better since my ADD diagnosis and Adderall treatment. From last August through December I was a chaperone for my daughter's band. There were so many late games and all day contests. I need to unwind before I go to bed, so I was up late and still had to be up at 4:30am. The cumulative loss of sleep made everything worse.

Maybe you could start by telling your parents about the sleeping problems, just to get you to the doctor, then things could go from there. Again... just some thoughts.

I hope you can find some answers soon

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by YYZadd

Hi GirlofManyFaces...
I understand "The other me" showing up at the doctor. What if you began writing your thoughts down. The things you know you won't say in front of the doctor and mailed these to his office. Just a thought...

The racing mind and lack of sleep is something I was reminded of recently. Overall my sleep has been much better since my ADD diagnosis and Adderall treatment. From last August through December I was a chaperone for my daughter's band. There were so many late games and all day contests. I need to unwind before I go to bed, so I was up late and still had to be up at 4:30am. The cumulative loss of sleep made everything worse.

Maybe you could start by telling your parents about the sleeping problems, just to get you to the doctor, then things could go from there. Again... just some thoughts.

I hope you can find some answers soon

Thank you
My parents know that I can't sleep and they just say "you need to get to bed earlier" but even if I was in bed at 5 I still can't sleep. Then don't understand how my mind works. And I can't tell them because they are WAY BEYOND judgmental.

Originally Posted by Meisjes

what are your closest resourses such as medical, police, ambulance? other adults? anything? how far are they from you in walking distance or driving? You might do well to walk into someone's office in one of these places and just say "help me." Tell them you need help and you can't talk to your family, in fact you need to be in a safe place while you're getting help so that this doesn't backfire on you from your family. Try to make a plan. Look at all your options and try to keep your options open. I know that can be hard, but it is important if you're going to get help. If you were responsible for another person, a child or a friend, you would want the best for them and do what you had to to get them the help they needed. You need to do this for yourself. If someone tells you something that's helpful, print it out and take it with you to keep encouraging yourself. Like keeping them in your pocket for just in case. Please try.

I have no adults to talk to. My phone way taken from me so I can't call 911 if needed. I cannot drive and nothing is in walking distance. I can't even leave my house because I am under "watch" by my parents. (Don't ask why)

So I really don't have options. That's why I'm on PC, to find ANYTHING that will work for me. Since I'm so limited.

Thank you for the ideas and support

[montanan4ever]

Ahhh I see. I'm very familiar with DID (which is what MPD has been called for many years now, although there are people with this condition who prefer MPD). Your user name should have tipped me off :-).

It also explains a great deal to me about the relationship with your parents--in broadest terms, of course. Okay, no support going to happen there, I get it. Are they very religious people? I seem to recall (if it was you and not another member of this forum) saying a counselor told you your other self was the devil, correct?

I totally get the switching thing. It's a way you-plural keep you-all safe, even if it's counterproductive in many ways. It sounds like there would be hell to pay if you got to tell the truth to people in your "3d/real" life about how you're feeling and to assert yourself to get real help....Or at least that's what your other self believes, probably with plenty of evidence to back up that belief. Am I kind of in the ballpark there with that thought?

If you are still under 18, unfortunately there is not a lot to be done to get yourself out of your parents' house and on your own footing. That stinks. I was in that position once upon a time myself and I have never forgotten what it was like. My approach was to buckle down inside myself and focus on my plan to get out of there as soon as possible once it was legal to do so. I worked my school stuff, my activities, everything I could to make my records look good and to give myself the best chance of getting out.

My opportunity came when some missionaries came to my church and mentioned that they needed a new "missionary associate" (a volunteer to help in their work) in Germany the coming fall. I truly believed at the time that God was calling me or giving me this chance to GET OUT, and I embraced it with everything I had. I graduated in May, left for Germany in September, and aside from visits, never went back.

Why was your phone taken away from you?

[Calypso1980]

I don't know if my words will help you but although our situations may differ you sound a lot like me when I was younger! And not so much younger too! From what I have read I can tell you this. Things may seem like they are so dim right now and I know from experience just how bad it feels. I too have the scars to show from it old ones from childhood and new ones from a few years ago, but slowly once you are able to get away from home and take control of your own life, things start to make more sense and although you may feel like you are a wreck of a person that probably needs a LOT of therapy, you fight through it and become a stronger person for it!

It took me until my 30's to be able to get onto an airplane and conquer my fear of flying and I had to be sedated as I had a full blown panic attack before I boarded the plane. I was paranoid I was being followed, terrified of the people closing in around me and petrified of the thought of being in an enclosed space for any length of time, with no chance of escape, completely out of my control! Knowing that once I was on the plane and it was moving I had no control over my own life any more for the duration of that journey and that I would be stuck in that tight press of people for hours on end. Just thinking back to it gives me shudders, but each time I forced myself onto a plane the fear, panic and anxiety slowly reduced. I was a complete wreck after each journey but the sheer fact that I HAD DONE IT! despite how I felt bolstered me up. Each time you face a fear the hold it has on you gets a little weaker and before you realize it, although it still makes you tremble in fear, panic no longer has its grip on you! how did it feel when you completed your journey and it was all over? Knowing that despite everything and the fact that you had no choice you managed to do it!? It takes a very strong person to be able to do that!

However, unlike me, you have also realized at a young age that you need help and support and for that you are wise beyond your years. And much wiser than I was! Hold on to that thought and continue seeking comfort and advice in here until you are old enough or are able to find help outside of here! In here you can at least be reassured that there will always be someone who understands some of what you are going through and might be able to help you in some small way!

I am here if you ever need to talk. I don't know if my words will help you but I hope that they will.

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Ahhh I see. I'm very familiar with DID (which is what MPD has been called for many years now, although there are people with this condition who prefer MPD). Your user name should have tipped me off :-).

It also explains a great deal to me about the relationship with your parents--in broadest terms, of course. Okay, no support going to happen there, I get it. Are they very religious people? I seem to recall (if it was you and not another member of this forum) saying a counselor told you your other self was the devil, correct?

>>> that's right. She said it was satan. Which pissed me off cuz I know it isn't... I'm the most religious one in my family. I'm the only one who reads my Bible.

I totally get the switching thing. It's a way you-plural keep you-all safe, even if it's counterproductive in many ways. It sounds like there would be hell to pay if you got to tell the truth to people in your "3d/real" life about how you're feeling and to assert yourself to get real help....Or at least that's what your other self believes, probably with plenty of evidence to back up that belief. Am I kind of in the ballpark there with that thought?

>>> nobody can know that Im different. Not the OCD, or "DID", or SI, or any of it, nobody can know ay of it. But ou got it all right so far.

If you are still under 18, unfortunately there is not a lot to be done to get yourself out of your parents' house and on your own footing. That stinks. I was in that position once upon a time myself and I have never forgotten what it was like. My approach was to buckle down inside myself and focus on my plan to get out of there as soon as possible once it was legal to do so. I worked my school stuff, my activities, everything I could to make my records look good and to give myself the best chance of getting out.

My opportunity came when some missionaries came to my church and mentioned that they needed a new "missionary associate" (a volunteer to help in their work) in Germany the coming fall. I truly believed at the time that God was calling me or giving me this chance to GET OUT, a nd I embraced it with everything I had. I graduated in May, left for Germany in September, and aside from visits, never went back.

Why was your phone taken away from you?

>>> it's a long Long Story. But I guess to shorten it, I can't have a phone because I am not aloud to contact any of my old friends. Particularly my abusive ex boyfriend. But my parents don't know he was abusive... Please don't ask about it. I don't like talking about those days.

[montanan4ever]

I hear you. Nobody wants to trigger themselves.

I'm glad you're coming here. As I said, I know how the Internet is a sanity saver!

[depressedalaskan]

((GirlOfManyFaces)) I do know how an illness can hide itself within you. When you get a chance to seek help, you might take a copy of your posts with you. You will not have to speak or fight your illness to get your point accross. Just hand over your posts to the people who are there to help you. By what you have posted they should see how your illness is holding you back. As everyone here has said "you are always welcome to post here". I wish you the best for the future.