Hesitate and scare to make the call, afraid to here "no"

(I am sorry I've been posting a little bit often, it's been a very harsh and tough weekends and still this week.)

"....I am too scare to phone her because I worry she would give me the answer "NO" [that she not willing to help ...."

(some background story....)
My former counselor S* (and life coaching me at the same time).
She was working on my case 2-3 yrs ago, then she need to move on to another job, and transfer me to another counselor X.

But counselor "X" and me isn't working out. (we have no argument nothing, it's like a med, that doesn't work, but no side effect, nothing negative) So I stopped seeing "X", and I didn't see anyone anymore coz I am tire and I cannot afford either.

During these years, a few times I wanted to call S*, hoping she can help me. But I didn't. (I understand our sessions had ended)

(the main story....)
Something happened on Friday, very terrible. I felt like I am at the lowest floor of hell. I called "S" (my former counselor and life coach). She was busy and said she will called me back Monday, today.

She didn't call me tonight. I didn't know if she know I changed my phone or not. And I am not sure if her phone has called id display.

Then I would feel all helpless hopeless and like my vague hope would have shattered, and that I would feel like I am all alone (and tire) floating in the sea and seeing no lights no direction.

I think I changed and I think if she help me again, things will work out fine.
I hope she can be my counselor again, and be my life coach again.
I hope she can support me to get ready and prepare to a normal life; and that also to register for the career program (that I wanted to enroll).
And I also hope during studying the program, she can support me, and help me (not on academic, but emotionally)

So I am too scare to call her, I worry she would say NO. Then I would feel like all alone.
And I would feel like I am alone now, till the program start; and ALSO during the program I would be all alone fighting.

emotionally I think I am very likely to encounter emotional issue during the program and don't know how to deal with it alone. And then end up dropping out.

I feel for you but have no answers. I just hope you will be ok

I hear you Penguinsing. The uncertainty and the what-ifs are very hard to endure. In my experience, they are harder to endure than hearing a firm answer I didn't want to hear.

As you have mentioned, there might be a good reason she didn't call back: wrong number. Please give her another try. Then at least you will know what's going on and you won't torture yourself with these uncertainties.

If her answer is no, she still might have some ideas for what you could try next.

I agree with this. Call back. She just might have gotten busy monday. Things will be easier if she can give you some referrals. Really, it is not personal, I assure you!

I also agree -- make that call -- I"m sure if your former therapist knew you were not happy with present one, she would offer you some kind of feedback

I think you should ring her back too. I know it is hard.

I really hope you find the support you need and even if she can't see you, maybe you will find someone else who can. But I realise it so hard to build up trust etc with someone new.

I didn't gel with my last therapist and it was awful.

Best wishes, keep us posted.

I called her, I didn't know if she have or not have my phone number. (I dunno maybe I sucks or I was too nervous).
But that doesn't matter much to me, coz she is too busy to help.

I asked if she can give me some suggestion of where to seek help (coz I have nothing in mind, I am pretty blank most of the time) She tell me to try "Family Services of xxx yyy" (xxx yyy = my city)

[I dunno if hold vague hope (by not calling her, not getting answer) is better or not. May be it's not practical enough to support me.]

I will try to call "Family Services of xxx yyy", I hope I can get help, or else I really don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to say to you guys that thank you for replying me and tell me to "ask her to suggestion something else if she cannot help", because i never thought of it (and maybe would never will coz i was too into the problem, cannot think of anything)

Good luck with Family Services…I hope they can offer you help and support.

Keep us posted anyway

Thinking of you and hope all goes well

I called.
Need to wait about a month (that's okay, I guess I can wait)

BUT ! they only offer 12 session of lowest rate, which I think it's not enough for me.

Then after the 12 session I need to wait 6 months (too long) and long term counseling would be full fee $75 (can't afford)

Firstly, well done for calling…it's hard to pick up the phone.

Wish I could take my own advice…ok, this is going to be a long tough month waiting, however, after this month you will have 12 sessions. Try not to think beyond that or else you will just stress yourself more about it not being enough etc.

All easier said than done, I know.

I'm not in a good place but I hope something I said helps.

Other than that all I can offer is a hug

I need longer and I need some support thru the career program. So 12 session is not enough.
Plus also after 12 session I will have to wait 6 months which is too long.