[lostinmyhead]

okay im just going to start off where i think it matters. ive only had 3 real "girl friends" 2 i had for about a year and the last one 7 years. so the first one to me doesnt matter to much we had a mutual break up. the second one left me for some guy she worked with. anyway when i started seeing the third everything was great . i took the police test had just gotten a newer car that was nice and fun to drive. one day at my job(cab driver) some woman decided to blow a red light durring rush hour doin about 70mph and i sustained to my head wrist and back. at the time i was about 21 and still living at home so i didnt know what to do with the situation. the company i worked for said not to worry they would get me the best lawyers ect. the second one i went to the hospital because a buddy of mine put down a beer on the table and i screamed and grabed my ears and started crying and felt confused. when i went there they brushed me off for whatever reason like nothing was wrong . anyway long story short workers comp treated me like a criminal i got skrewd out of money because of some problems with me changen jobs for 3 months that year . but through all that this woman stuck by my side. ofcourse after that i decided not to be a police officer cause i cant chase anyone down the block ect. so she went to school while i worked part time . then we traded she found a part time job and i went to school . i got out and got a decent job... but i was driving again for a living doing feild service for a eletronics retailer. biggest mistake i ever made road rage from hell and i was generally not fun to be around after a year i quit . she kept her parttime job and i was obless for sometime depressed didnt wanna go out and lept myself isolated . i refused to get a job that was driving again but alot of tech jobs are that or phone support and i hate phones since my hearing isnt the greatest . though that time we talked about when things would get better , getting married if we wanted kids ect. at the time i wasnt sure about kids but i knew i wanted to marry her . so i didnt go out much i didnt have much money except the savings that i had that i used for bills and food . she went out and i didnt because i didnt wanna go out(because i was in pain) or because i didnt wanna spend money or both. eventually i found a job that didnt pay well but it gave me pocket cash , after a few weeks i was told i wasnt needed in the shop because the owners friend needed a job. also some girl hit my car while it was parked and totaled it so i ended up having to spend the rest of my savings on that. after dealing with that it was about xmas time and i had gotten the flu. so i wasnt lookin for work till i wasnt fluie (personally i wouldnt hire someone who would walk into my office with an infection). we were also talking alot at the time about what i wanted if i wanted kids or not ect. i wasnt sure but i was thinking about it alot . what kinda mother she would make, what kinda father could i be, so i decided if i got a decent job and my I.T carrer started moving yes i do. then for newyears i decided to go out with her to a party at a friends house and generally tryed to have a good time , it was alrite i relized im bad at socializing (partly cause i was doing nothing for so long and partly cause i have a hard time focusing on conversations). few days later she came in and ended it , said it was because she didnt think she made me happy and she needed space,she thought she wasted her years with me. month later i found out it was really because she liked this other guy she meet at her friends house(told me herself im sure the other part helped that along). so i finally made up my mind on what i wanted to do, had it set in my head and once again life threw me a wonderful curve ball. so its been a few months now i have a decent job that will further my carrer in a year or 2 , ive tryed to go out and have fun but i just cant seem to come out of my lil bubble . i dont know how to break the ice with people i guess , nor "act" happy . or really be happy . i still want to build my own family with that woman and its not possable anymore i am realizing that but i would like to meet someone else and relize it wont happen unless i am happy with myself and im not . somedays i can keep myself distracted and some ive wanted to drive into a tree . at this time i really dont have money to see anyone to help me so im hoping someone here could . i just dont see happiness in my future my hair has begun falling out at a alarming rate and i have the personality of a brick is pretty much how i look at myself and wouldnt be surprized if thats how people saw me since when i go out im quiet in a corner. the other thing im worried about is im the same at work. i feel like nothing good has happend to me in a long time except this job itself.

[bharani1008]

I so can identify with how you feel about yourself and the difficulty you are having mixing and connecting with people.
It's great that you have a job with a future!
Even if you aren't outgoing and cheerful there is one almost infallible way to make contact and be with people. Find a charity and volunteer. If you are helping others you don't have to be a rock star. Just wanting others to be happier is enough.
Also I think you can go to an ER and see a Dr. about your depression.
Keep posting on this site and join some clubs and maybe chat. Here are folks who will really "get" you. That makes you feel accepted and less self conscious.
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.

[Fuzzybear]

[Crew]

thinking about you