[livefast3315]

I have "buried my head in the sand", been in denial, suppressed these things for years and just recently everything has started to surface and I must deal with this I'm looking for opinions. It is long and strange about a dysfunctional family. I'm very deeply depressed I've been through a lot and feel no one can relate. I also realized I was molested as a child it came like a flashback a few weeks ago.

As a young child growing up my mother had a post-pardom depression after her second child (my sister) and is an untreated, paranoid schizophrenic to this day as well as her brother (my uncle). My uncle had the schizophrenia since he was 15 lives with my grandmother and she doesn't let him out of her sight, have any friends, she drives him around at all hours of the night and I've seen him at his worse when he is off of medication he stays up all night, takes all pictures off of the walls and wears black sunglasses. When he would not take his medication he would go into my grandmothers bed and put a pillow around his head (I guess to shut out the voices) I watched all this go on as a young child confused and horrified. My grandmother is an extremely right wing, ignorant, extremely racist, obese, diabetic senior without a television and an extremely filthy house and doesn't wash and thinks she is smarter then everyone and knows everything. My father was a police officer, a tight wad and a cheap skate who worked everyday never showed me much love or affection and spanked me as a child and made me go to church every sunday.

When I was 5-8 My mother was arrested by police constantly, I watched her get arrested several times, had her drivers licence taken away because she used to run red lights, harass people, drive on the neighbours lawn at 5:00am and honk the horn, she chased people walking their dog, verbally abused people, put bomb threat notes to people, closed all the curtains at home, cut off my sisters hair while sleeping, her and my grandmother would have big fights constantly yelling, she would flip the entire kitchen table over full of dishes and would pinch my grandmothers buttocks calling her a slut, they had a huge physical fight in the middle of the street one year. I watched all this confused and horrified as a child. My mother would leave me and my sister alone and we would be terrified and hide under the bed - we also touched each other sexually and pretend to have sex with each other. I began to masterbate a lot after a doctor uncomfortably placed his stethoscope on my vagina and I enjoyed it (while my grandmother sat there in the room I was 6 or 7) (she was good friends with this doctor I later discovered) and other things I didn't understand like why my grandmother would have me stand and put her mouth on my vagina and make weird sounds while her and my mother sat there laughing about it (5 yrs old)

I had a hymongenoma (birthmark that appears as a bright red patch or a nodule of extra blood vessels in the skin. It grows during the first year of life, and then recedes over time.) until I was 12 but accepted it and didn't let it bother me. I had lots of friends, was an over achiever, did well academically, was very good at all sports. Entering middle school I was teased and called names and an outcast until the end of the summer I ended up being accepted by the popular kids and stayed out late swimming and came home late. My father was furious freaked out and said I was smoking pot when my eyes war red from the chlorine. I got the hymongenoma removed that turned into a scar and learned to do my hair and put on makeup. I was attractive after all and got a lot of attention I began to have sleepovers and had girlfriends. My father threw a fit when he heard I was having sleepovers then placed me over his knee at 13 started spanking me violently, grabbed me by the hair and threw me on the ground and started kicking me. I called the police on him. I became extremely rebellious and did whatever I wanted to after this.

My household there was never any decent food, sometimes no cable, no love, just chaos. I would be cold shivering (Canadian winter) because my father controlled the thermostat and I couldn't put the heat on. I'd use a hair dryer when it would be so cold. I had to sleep with ear plugs every night because my mother would scream her head off. I was dressed in salvation army clothing all through out my childhood and my grandmother would go in peoples garbages and collect peoples garbage she called it "rummaging" (various items.. clocks, clothes, books etc. anything of use). She also used to go steal from the Salvation Army donation bin in the middle of the night, scream at muslims and french people from her car, pollute by throwing things out of her car window, tell me never get married and have children, would convince my mother to have me sit out during Sex Ed in school. Children's Aid were involved sometimes. I couldn't have any friends my dad would look them up on his police computer if they had a history of shoplifting or something he would print out their photos and put it under my door. He someone found a way of knowing all my business and prying into my life. We had to all have a key and lock to our bedrooms and keep them shut and locked at all times.

I'm going to stop here because this is a long rambling. Why am I looking back on this now? Aren't these people insane? What is wrong with these people? Do you think this had an effect on who I am today???

My sister rebelled, self harmed for years(cutting) and shoplifted and I was blamed for everything wrong she did my father would say it was all my fault. She absolutely hates me and it makes me very sad. She also verbally abuses and ignores me. She was very jealous of me through out her teens. I honestly feel she tries to destroy me and my life. My mother laughed at her all through out her life. She was really bad I had to yell at my dad to take her to the childrens hospital she used a ton of drugs to cope.

I'm now an alcoholic, socially anxious, depressed, suicidal, recluse, binge eater I'm still young (23) and have no guidance I feel I made a lot of bad choices and got involved with the wrong things (stripping, prostitution, dating criminals, pimps) I was a stripping at 16 under age. I feel I never had a chance to be a child or have a nice life because of these people and their ********. I'm getting into therapy. I got 161 on that test here on this site. I'm tired. Too many bad experiences now this depression is taking over my life and I have no one to help me because I don't really have a family that can help me or any friends due to my social anxiety. I feel so alone and I am a recluse. The more I dig back the more things make sense. I just feel I will never be happy again. All of my happy memories were always away from those people. I used to feel very guilty I wasn't strong enough to handle all this. But I have been fighting for a long time. Life hasn't been the best to me but I don't want to dwell on it

HOW DO YOU COPE REALIZING YOUR FAMILY IS COMPLETELY INSANE AND YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS INSANITY?
I find the whole thing hilarious it is complete insanity. People don't live like this. I feel isolated but don't think I want these people in my life anymore?

[bharani1008]

First of all you must be incredibly strong to have withstood all this horror and still be sane! NO one would have been able to cope with all the bizarre and abusive things you had to go through. You were in a really good place one time and I believe you can do it again. But you MUST get help. Because of the mental illness in your family,you have no clear roadmap to guide you through life. You need someone to explain to you what is healthy behavior and how healthy people live and how to make good decisions. You intuit that there is a good way to live. That should help you. You understand which things you experienced were unhealthy so you have the discernment to get help for yourself . These are wonderful tools. With the right kind of guidance you will surely overcome all your traumas and become strong and happy. Go to the AA meetings. There is usually good help there. Read from the different forums on this site. I think you have the drive and strength to get your life back and at 23 you can start fresh.
Keep on posting and let us know how you are doing

[livefast3315]

Thank you very much.

[Sabra]

Livefast,

I don't think your post rambled. I get a lot of what you wrote. My family had very odd ideas concerning sexaul abuse/medical issues. They had a very sick relationship with the pediatrian. I believe sick calls unto sick and all my family, neighbors and medical professionals were in agreement with the insanity of my childhood. We can also include alcoholism, drug addiction, hypochondrias, and garden variety lunacy.

I, like you, was able to navigate my way through the social norms and look fairly "normal". I made friends easily and kept them away from my family for the most part. Unfortunately some were privvy to the beatings from father and mother. However, in the 60's, your family could beat you to a farethewell and no one notified authorities.

You need to realize you are resiliant and you can work your way to a healthier life. Because you survived your childhood and you are aware there are issues you need to work on puts you miles ahead of the pack.

I believe in your ability to heal. Find a good therapist and dig in. I would recommend 2 authors who helped me immensly. S. Higgins-O'conner, The Resiliant Adult. The second author has several books and I would encourage you to look her up on the internet...Alice Miller. They explain how the severely abused are able to keep their sanity in an insane family situation. Miller believes children abused can heal if they have "an enlightened witness" to hear your story.

It's not just about surviving, it's about thriving. PM me if you wish.

Take gentle care,

Sabra

[adam_k]

I think the first step is acknowledging that you had an awful homelife and you didn't deserve to go through that. I'm sorry for what you had to endure and the psychological scars that remain from it.

I think the next part is trying to cope with life and make good choices for yourself. To start getting rid of people in your life that do more harm than good. I.e. the criminals and pimps that aid you in going down self destructive paths. You should acknowledge that you are a strong person and you made it through hell and back and are still here. You are young and still have a lot ahead of you. I hope you find the strength to make good decisions and get you life going in a positive direction.

[livefast3315]

I found a book on google books free online titled A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to Healing the Child within half an hour I've only been reading it and did the first exercise I feel a lot better with a better understand the root cause of why I am:
- always seeking approval & affirmation
- fail to recognize accomplishments
- fear criticism
- overextend myself
- have problems with my compulsive behaviour
- a perfectionist
- feel uneasy when life is going smooth & anticipate problems
- feel most alive in midst of crisis
- isolate from people
etc. etc. the list goes on and on out of the questions I got usually on pretty much all of them.

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of books

[bharani1008]

Originally Posted by livefast3315

I found a book on google books free online titled A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to Healing the Child within half an hour I've only been reading it and did the first exercise I feel a lot better with a better understand the root cause of why I am:
- always seeking approval & affirmation
- fail to recognize accomplishments
- fear criticism
- overextend myself
- have problems with my compulsive behaviour
- a perfectionist
- feel uneasy when life is going smooth & anticipate problems
- feel most alive in midst of crisis
- isolate from people
etc. etc. the list goes on and on out of the questions I got usually on pretty much all of them.

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of books

This is just wonderful! I'm so happy for you.

Congrats for surviving all that you did. It took a lot of courage on your part. You can turn your life around and it sounds like you already know that. Find a decent job and gradually, ever so slowly, you will see things change for the better. Strive to become as independent as possible so you can separate yourself (in mind) from the past and from your sick family. You have a good head on your shoulders and will do well.