[PapoPez22]

I moved from the Caribbean to NYC about 6 months ago for 2 reasons: to pursue my dream of studying, and to live with my boyfriend after being apart for 1.5 years.

Things haven't turned out the way I expected (aside from studying, which is pretty exciting). After a few weeks, things started to get rocky between us, not only for financial reasons, but because of our clashing personalities. He is very loving and caring, but has a tendency to be quite feisty. I'm a calmed friendly person, but I've felt the need to become feisty and angry too in order to defend myself whenever he lashes out about something. I've also come to realize he lives in his own world where things have to be in a certain way (I can't turn on the main lights in our bedroom because he hates artificial light, can't open the curtains when he's sleeping even though is 12pm - 2pm - 5pm, can't dance on the subway if a musician is playing a fun song ... stupid stuff like that).

Sometimes he gets pretty manipulative, specially when it comes to money. I worked hard to make savings before coming here and have attempted to be as conscious about it as I can, depriving myself of buying things that I don't need. Meanwhile, he splurges his small income on miscellaneous things. At the end of every month, I'm left paying our full rent with the promise that he will pay me back in few weeks, only to find out there's another excuse to ask me to cover our full rent again. If I ever bring this issue up, he accuses me of being a selfish little princess who was brought up without issues and who doesn't know what it is like to have a tough life (although his family was more affluent than mine). After 5 months and 3 rents he hasn't paid me yet (2 were paid after huge fights), I've decided to ignore his excuses, and pay only my share, even if that means risking the roof above our heads. This, among other things, has made feel like I can't trust him. And somehow I still wonder if I'm wrong, if I'm only seeing my point of view.

I have become really lonely here, mainly because I feel like I can't count on him. I'm thinking I'm also dragging things I've lived with (insecurities, anxieties, low-self esteem) that I thought were going to go away as soon as I got my hands on my dream. I'm living my dream and I'm not feeling happy. Quite often I find myself walking on the street and feeling like I'm not really here, I'm just living some sort of an uncomfortable dream in an uncomfortable city, an uncomfortable apartment with an uncomfortable boyfriend who lacks patience and common grounds with me. I miss my family, my home, my dogs, my friends, the crisp Caribbean sun and bright days, unlike this dark apartment I spend most of my days in. I have an enormous feeling of worthlessness, of not being good-enough, and an increasing fear of failing, of not making ends meet, of being rejected, or what others people's opinions are about me. And honestly, I don't know where they come from. I don't have childhood issues, I was raised in a loving christian family (only complain: sexual repression) and I've succeeded in pretty much everything I've done, although I acknowledge that fear as hold me back from doing stuff I should've done already.

I desperately wish I could talk to somebody. I obviously can't talk to my boyfriend. He may listen to me and comfort me for a while, but will use anything I say against me in the future. I can't talk to my mother because she's also an anxious person that worries about my wellbeing, and telling her "I feel lonely and unhappy here" will only freak her out and make her feel powerless. I can't talk to my best friend because I already overwhelmed him with my boyfriend's stories. And although I get along pretty well with my classmates, none of them are close enough to me as to tell them these issues. Not verbalizing this is hurting me. Everything keeps building up, I'm getting worned out and my sense of worth keeps falling apart while the voices in my head keep getting stronger and negative.

I know this may be long... could be way longer, though. I wish I could see a psychologist, but I have no insurance right now. Perhaps putting this out here might reach somebody and I don't feel so alone.

[Cheshire Grin]

Hi Alex I, too, was a student in NY at one point in my life from a rural area in the mountains west of the Mississippi River. I felt like a foreigner, at times, because New York has a very strong "personality."

It sounds like you are going to school. All the colleges I have attended, even small ones, had a clinic with at least 2 counselors on staff to talk with students about their problems. I strongly recommend that you seek out your school's clinic/infirmary and request a referral to their mental health/behavioral health office.

If you are not going to school, but are low-income, you may well qualify for some sort of medicaid or other public assistance health plan. Try to find a social worker or public clinic in your neighborhood to find out more.

Maybe you could also re-post your statement in the relationship forum on this site?

I think it was E.B. White, writer of Charlotte's Web, who called New York the "loneliest city in the world." You can be in a crowd of people, like a sardine in a can, and still be terribly alone. I know. I often felt that way as a student there myself.

[hannabee]

Sorry you are going through this! I do wish you could reconsider talking with your Mom about this tho. From a Mom's perspective, we really want to be there for our children and maybe she could somehow help with the cost of some short term therapy to help you decide if you are in the wrong relationship (which is how is really sounds to me) and then help you to return home if that becomes your choice. Good luck to you.

[penguinsing]

It's long but the lay out is clear, I can see.

It can be disappointing when things are not how we expected.

Seeing a psychologist would be expensive, and you don't need to get to that level. You can see counselling. Can you try some counseling center that have a price scale depends on your income ? NYC is such a big city, perhaps you can even find Christian counseling center too.

You valuable, worthy to God and your family too and ho-ray you are able to pursue your dream, the process is hard, but you will get there.

And from what you said, I really don't think you are wrong. From what you describe about him I do worry about your safety. Whatever happen, please be safe.

Didn't the bible say "Love is......" I see you are doing it, but I am not sure about him.

[bharani1008]

It sounds to me that you are in a toxic relationship. It would be good if you could talk to a counselor in order to get some direction for changing your circumstances. You need to be able to concentrate all your energy on your studies. With someone like your boyfriend you have to give that so much attention that that it can interfere with the thing that can improve your life. You have this chance that you have worked for. Protect it .
Once you are free you can be more open to other relationships.
Good luck

[Fuzzybear]

[TanyaP]

Originally Posted by AlexCL0730

I moved from the Caribbean to NYC about 6 months ago for 2 reasons: to pursue my dream of studying, and to live with my boyfriend after being apart for 1.5 years.

Things haven't turned out the way I expected (aside from studying, which is pretty exciting). After a few weeks, things started to get rocky between us, not only for financial reasons, but because of our clashing personalities. He is very loving and caring, but has a tendency to be quite feisty. I'm a calmed friendly person, but I've felt the need to become feisty and angry too in order to defend myself whenever he lashes out about something. I've also come to realize he lives in his own world where things have to be in a certain way (I can't turn on the main lights in our bedroom because he hates artificial light, can't open the curtains when he's sleeping even though is 12pm - 2pm - 5pm, can't dance on the subway if a musician is playing a fun song ... stupid stuff like that).

Sometimes he gets pretty manipulative, specially when it comes to money. I worked hard to make savings before coming here and have attempted to be as conscious about it as I can, depriving myself of buying things that I don't need. Meanwhile, he splurges his small income on miscellaneous things. At the end of every month, I'm left paying our full rent with the promise that he will pay me back in few weeks, only to find out there's another excuse to ask me to cover our full rent again. If I ever bring this issue up, he accuses me of being a selfish little princess who was brought up without issues and who doesn't know what it is like to have a tough life (although his family was more affluent than mine). After 5 months and 3 rents he hasn't paid me yet (2 were paid after huge fights), I've decided to ignore his excuses, and pay only my share, even if that means risking the roof above our heads. This, among other things, has made feel like I can't trust him. And somehow I still wonder if I'm wrong, if I'm only seeing my point of view.

I have become really lonely here, mainly because I feel like I can't count on him. I'm thinking I'm also dragging things I've lived with (insecurities, anxieties, low-self esteem) that I thought were going to go away as soon as I got my hands on my dream. I'm living my dream and I'm not feeling happy. Quite often I find myself walking on the street and feeling like I'm not really here, I'm just living some sort of an uncomfortable dream in an uncomfortable city, an uncomfortable apartment with an uncomfortable boyfriend who lacks patience and common grounds with me. I miss my family, my home, my dogs, my friends, the crisp Caribbean sun and bright days, unlike this dark apartment I spend most of my days in. I have an enormous feeling of worthlessness, of not being good-enough, and an increasing fear of failing, of not making ends meet, of being rejected, or what others people's opinions are about me. And honestly, I don't know where they come from. I don't have childhood issues, I was raised in a loving christian family (only complain: sexual repression) and I've succeeded in pretty much everything I've done, although I acknowledge that fear as hold me back from doing stuff I should've done already.

I desperately wish I could talk to somebody. I obviously can't talk to my boyfriend. He may listen to me and comfort me for a while, but will use anything I say against me in the future. I can't talk to my mother because she's also an anxious person that worries about my wellbeing, and telling her "I feel lonely and unhappy here" will only freak her out and make her feel powerless. I can't talk to my best friend because I already overwhelmed him with my boyfriend's stories. And although I get along pretty well with my classmates, none of them are close enough to me as to tell them these issues. Not verbalizing this is hurting me. Everything keeps building up, I'm getting worned out and my sense of worth keeps falling apart while the voices in my head keep getting stronger and negative.

I know this may be long... could be way longer, though. I wish I could see a psychologist, but I have no insurance right now. Perhaps putting this out here might reach somebody and I don't feel so alone.

Hi Alex,
I believe you should get some counseling or just still talk to your mom about the issue. From what you are telling it can either be stress from coming to a big city from a much smaller one, or a relationship with boyfriend who doesn't match you that causes your loneliness and negative moods. Or it can be both of the reasons.. You really need to talk about it and discuss it with someone you trust and confide in. A counselor or your mom - if you don't have friends who are close enough. It doesn't have to a licensed psychotherapist, because those guys can easily put you on drugs for a simple small problem , and drugs can get addictive and won't really help you but rather make your problem worse. Just find a counselor you can talk to and explain the situation who will help you understand the real reason for what you are going through, and once you know the real reason it will be so much easier to fix it!

[PapoPez22]

Thank you all for your messages. It feels good to be able to speak my mind and have people giving me feed back about it. I really appreciate it.

It ocurred to me last night the possibility that I might be going through a depression. I took about 10 online depression tests and, although I know they are not to be taken as official diagnosis, all of them resulted in the possibility of medium to severe depression. I also noticed other symptoms I had not become aware of such as lack of movement (knowing you have to do something but not doing anything about it), losing interest in things I used to enjoy, over-analizing things, feeling trapped, crying for no specified reason, etc. I'm sure this is something that has being going on for a long time. I've just ignored it hoping it might go away, but now that I'm here without my family and my friends to "escape", it has become more evident.

I wrote an e-mail last night to my boyfriend telling him how I feel about myself and our relationship. I realized I have developed an instant reaction of keeping things from him about know how I feel, and the only thing I'm achieving is to mess up the relationship by not communicating while letting him believe that everything is fine when it is not. Isn't it effed up to feel like that towards the only person you have right by your side? I basically realized I need to change it, and need to let him know what's really going on with me and how to support me. He called me a few minutes ago telling me he just saw the e-mail and that he wished I had let him know this before. So, when he gets home, we'll talk about it.

So, I think that's one step: acknowledging that I have a problem and it is causing me to feel/act a certain way. I hope from now on it is easier to deal with. Oh, and yes, I've been looking to apply for medicaid for a long time, but I've always had an excuse to postpone it... :s Thank you for your recommendations

[crazycanbegood]

Um the first thing to do is try to move and then go for school counseling.