i realized a couple weeks ago that i just want to be a positive influence in someone's life. that sounds great, right, but then i realized that it'd be for the wrong reason, of course, not for recognition but for my own satisfaction, to feel useful and like i have purpose. i'd be fine not being noticed for it. but i want to help people because it makes me feel good. (according to my church, that's bad, but whatever)

then, last night, i realized...no one thinks about how i feel about things like i do about them. i worry about what other people think of what i do, what other people do, what they think about current events, just...whatever. i think about that stuff, and i am highly influenced by these people i see every day, but i have no influence over them. i'm just some person. some crazy woman who had a breakdown at work the other day because i couldn't handle a customer taking his frustrations out on me.

i care so much about what my husband and kids think of me. i cared so much about my parents' thoughts that i broke up relationships because of them. i care what people at work think of me, and i think i've probably lost any respect they might have had for me (which would probably have been very little anyway).

i just don't think anyone else cares what i think. why would they, right? i have anxiety that makes me this way. anxiety and depression and rage. the people who influence me the most don't seem to have anything wrong. they've got their lives in order. i'm just all screwed up, and nobody cares enough to be there for me when i really need them, and even if they were, i wouldn't want the help because i don't want them to see how weak i really am...

[Starla Dear]

I don't know your home situation, but I hope that your husband and kids do care what you think. Maybe you're just so wrapped up in anxiety that you can't see it right now. (I hope you don't think I'm being rude. I'm just trying to help. I have anxiety, too, for what it's worth.)

I'm pretty new to the forums, but I can tell already that people here care what you think. They care and they're supportive, and it's made a huge difference in my life already. That's something.

Originally Posted by Starla Dear

I don't know your home situation, but I hope that your husband and kids do care what you think. Maybe you're just so wrapped up in anxiety that you can't see it right now. (I hope you don't think I'm being rude. I'm just trying to help. I have anxiety, too, for what it's worth.)

I'm pretty new to the forums, but I can tell already that people here care what you think. They care and they're supportive, and it's made a huge difference in my life already. That's something.

thank you. no, i don't think you're rude, and you're probably right, at least in my home.

as for forums...i never feel right posting anywhere. i get maybe one reply and then my threads slip off into oblivion but i'm sure it's that way for everyone. i try to post on others' threads but the idea that no one cares what i think pops into my head and i delete my post. i usually don't get a reply anyway. and i know no one at work really cares. i have quite a few of them on my Facebook friends list but they very rarely say anything to me despite me trying to talk to them. but i don't think i have anything worth saying most of the time anyway.

i was told by some random person from my church that i post a lot of negative things. a lot of my notes are fueled by depression. my bad if that's who i am, that i can't write unless i'm experiencing some type of emotional pain. my bad if i have posted information about depression and anxiety and that i'm not the most religious person ever and don't post a thousand posts praising God every day. the whole religious thing might work for some people but when i'm feeling at my worst it doesn't help to think that either 1) God made me this way or 2) i'm supposed to feel this way because i'm a ****** person.

idk. i'm ranting right now. i was pretty much told my entire life that my thoughts and opinions don't matter, that i won't be worth much, that i'm nothing special unless i'm doing exactly what my parents want me to do. and now i'm starting to believe them. i'm not helping anyone, i'm not influencing anyone in a positive way. my "advice" is useless. how can i "fix" anyone or anything else if i'm so broken...

doesn't help that i haven't had therapy in three weeks, either. thank God my T is back next Wednesday...

[montanan4ever]

I think taking satisfaction and pleasure from being a positive influence is a perfectly normal feeling, and I can't imagine it being a "wrong" reason to want to make a positive difference in the world. Churches that say otherwise? Meh. I don't believe it.

Originally Posted by montanan4ever

I think taking satisfaction and pleasure from being a positive influence is a perfectly normal feeling, and I can't imagine it being a "wrong" reason to want to make a positive difference in the world. Churches that say otherwise? Meh. I don't believe it.

at least according to one sermon a few weeks ago, my pastor thinks you should do good things for the sake of feeling good, you should do them to "glorify God" or something like that. i don't buy it either. people don't do good things just to "glorify God", they do them because it gives them that warm fuzzy feeling that they just helped someone and made a person's day better. if that's a sin i'm going to hell, but i accepted that a long time ago.

Real satisfaction in helping other people doesn't come from recognition of that effort; the
real benefit comes to your inner self (who really knows what you are doing and values it).

In my view, you are an extrovert--someone who derives your real pleasure from other
people, not from inner satisfaction and trying to please yourself. Remember, we can't
help others unless we help ourselves first. It's like saying we can't love others until
we've learned to love ourselves.

Therapy is good, and I'm glad you're continuing it.

Do something good for yourself today and keep it secret; don't let anyone know that
you've done something really good for yourself. What? you ask. There are thousands
of things you can do that will make yourself like yourself: get some good meditative
reading and sit down quietly and read about good things--one book is called "Streams
in the Desert"; it's such a positive helpful set of ideas about how we become strong
through our spiritual life. (I don't mean religious life; I mean spiritual life--the kind
that fills the empty space within that you feel).

What I'm really saying is that we often place too much interest on how others feel
about us and don't give ourselves the quiet, loving attention that we all deserve.
Try it; it might help relieve some of the anxiety. Doing something good for someone
else and keeping it a secret does give that fuzzy, warm feeling that you
talk about. Keeping it secret maintains the inner joy.

Ah, inner joy; that's the thing to strive for in life. Everything else then takes its proper
place behind the independent, content person who just knows what's good for him or
her.

Take care.

[montanan4ever]

Ummm, well, color me weird, but it seems to me that "to glorify God" gives a person a good feeling, yes? (I was in ministry all my adult life until a few years ago; I know those "lines" all too well, as I spouted a lot of them myself.) Oy.

I am an extravert just as Genetic describes above. I just like people, being around them, doing what I can to help, interacting, whatever. If you isolate me for any length of time, I get crazy. If I'm not out influencing people, then I don't see any reason to go on.

i am not an extrovert in ANY way. i merely put way too much energy into thinking about what other people think about me. i can't stand being out in public or around people. but i work in retail, so i have to deal with it, and that causes a lot of anxiety.

as for the "glorifying God" part, the way my pastor was putting it...he really confused me. he made it sound bad to feel good about doing good. oh, and i had a typo, i had meant to say "my pastor thinks you shouldn't do good things for the sake of feeling good" instead of should. i missed the contraction.

but i don't know how you read it, haha. anyway, his sermon was very confusing and put me completely off that church for a while (only go for my kids and husband, really). have only just recently gone and actually tuned in to the sermons again. i don't think my pastor understands the value of mental health. i think he thinks believing in God should be enough, that praying helps everything, but i don't think it works for everyone. for a lot of people, sure. but not me. i'm at a point in my life that is down a path i would have never chosen on my own. i would have been a lot happier the other way. i know i can't change it, and i'm trying to embrace it, but it's really hard.

Well, putting too much energy into what others are thinking about you implies that other
people have a strong bearing on your thinking and emotions. If they weren't bothersome to you, you would tend to be an introvert. Introverts are much happier with their own inner thoughts than they are with what other people think of them or how they function. In fact,
I don't think introverts think much at all about what anybody else is thinking; they could
almost care less in some instances.

You seem to be almost obsessed with what others are thinking. That lends itself to
extroversion whether you act on those feelings or not. The feelings seem to dominate your
behavior to some extent. If it isn't an inner expression of extroversion, what is it then? Is
it a fear to examine who you really believe you are inwardly? In my view, you should be
putting more time into thinking about who you are and how you truly see yourself if you
really want to make some differences in life for you.

Prayer can be enough if it is important enough in one's life. Otherwise, one
is on his/her own to find the answers independently, and I don't know that doing so is
such an easy choice, although it is not necessarily easy to develop a strong faith,
either.

I hope you find the answers for your own life soon. If you can determine what to put
first in your life you'll be making a very wise choice, in my view, early.

[AV747]

You are a good person. Your desire to help other people well and it can really help combat depression. Many people, even close, often selfish , that's why you worried about what others think of you. You're too kind and sympathetic man, you'd be all right, because there can't be otherwise.

[Clara22]

Hi Dreamaddiction 37,
I am so sorry for the people that have told you you do not have anything interesting to say, or that you are too negative, or that we should not do good things to satisfy ourselves. All of them are dead wrong to me. You do have important things to say. In fact, your postings here made me think a lot about myself and my circumstances, and were helpful to me. I am a remote person living in a remote country and you have helped me. You did not think you were going to help me, but you did, and if you feel now satisfied, well, there is nothing wrong with it, as there has not been anything wrong if you knew you were going to help me and you did it to feel satisfaction, as well (in addition to help me). I am not sure if God exists, but he/she does, I think he/she created stuff in a way that we get satisfaction (as a reward) so we feel triggered when we do certain things to continuing doing such things. Your feeling good when you act well towards others may be the result of some chemical stuff that is in your brain when you experience that you produce good in others, a kind of chemical reward (feeling well) pre-preogrammed for human beings in addition or in combination to other mechanisms created by learning. it is an unconscious mechanism and no Pastor or Priest can help us to avoid it, IMO. The issue is you are aware of it (I mean, you are aware of the satisfaction), and other people are not, or hide it. If I knew your Pastor I would tell him to study Psychology or just to shut up his mouth. With all the bad stuff we have in this world, he should stimulate people to do more good instead of refraining them or disqualifying good behaviors.
In addition, you already know you parents are wrong and made you a great damage by raising you in that way. Sorry I am going to be too harsh here: please, despite you have forgiven them or not, just cut from the roots that bad karma. Just take away that ideas they planted from your mind, they were wrong and you know it. Please, please, be strong each time, be an adult over your parents senselessness, nobody should tell their kids they have nothing to say. Everybody has something significant and important to say, at least once. Everybody should have a say, even if being intellectually disabled. I am disabled myself and I am submitted to disqualifications every day. There was a time I believed in them, but no more. It is wrong and you know it.
About the woman from Church that told you you post negative things, OK, she should know better. If you are posting negative things, either she should try to be there for you or she should stop reading your posts. By telling your posts are not helpful, she is not helping, or, better to say, she is not trying to help you, but admonish you. There are thousands of people in the Church like her. I am not sure, but I think they have not understand the Gospel, really.
I have been in the Catholic Church for years, and I experienced similar things. While churches are good to people as they bring out spirituality, sometimes they can be very damaging, too. They can be too prescriptive, judgmental, or repressive. And more important, if God exists, he/she is much more bigger than any church.
I hope you feel better soon, please, keep posting!

[herethennow]

I don't know.. but to me isn't that part of altruism? That "self-gratification" bit. We help others not only because of the desire, but it's because we feel great doing it too..

Originally Posted by genetic

Well, putting too much energy into what others are thinking about you implies that other
people have a strong bearing on your thinking and emotions. If they weren't bothersome to you, you would tend to be an introvert. Introverts are much happier with their own inner thoughts than they are with what other people think of them or how they function. In fact,
I don't think introverts think much at all about what anybody else is thinking; they could
almost care less in some instances.

You seem to be almost obsessed with what others are thinking. That lends itself to
extroversion whether you act on those feelings or not. The feelings seem to dominate your
behavior to some extent. If it isn't an inner expression of extroversion, what is it then? Is
it a fear to examine who you really believe you are inwardly? In my view, you should be
putting more time into thinking about who you are and how you truly see yourself if you
really want to make some differences in life for you.

Prayer can be enough if it is important enough in one's life. Otherwise, one
is on his/her own to find the answers independently, and I don't know that doing so is
such an easy choice, although it is not necessarily easy to develop a strong faith,
either.

I hope you find the answers for your own life soon. If you can determine what to put
first in your life you'll be making a very wise choice, in my view, early.

it's called social anxiety. please look it up. i'm sorry to say, but you are not helping me feel any better about this.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi Dreamaddiction 37,
I am so sorry for the people that have told you you do not have anything interesting to say, or that you are too negative, or that we should not do good things to satisfy ourselves. All of them are dead wrong to me. You do have important things to say. In fact, your postings here made me think a lot about myself and my circumstances, and were helpful to me. I am a remote person living in a remote country and you have helped me. You did not think you were going to help me, but you did, and if you feel now satisfied, well, there is nothing wrong with it, as there has not been anything wrong if you knew you were going to help me and you did it to feel satisfaction, as well (in addition to help me). I am not sure if God exists, but he/she does, I think he/she created stuff in a way that we get satisfaction (as a reward) so we feel triggered when we do certain things to continuing doing such things. Your feeling good when you act well towards others may be the result of some chemical stuff that is in your brain when you experience that you produce good in others, a kind of chemical reward (feeling well) pre-preogrammed for human beings in addition or in combination to other mechanisms created by learning. it is an unconscious mechanism and no Pastor or Priest can help us to avoid it, IMO. The issue is you are aware of it (I mean, you are aware of the satisfaction), and other people are not, or hide it. If I knew your Pastor I would tell him to study Psychology or just to shut up his mouth. With all the bad stuff we have in this world, he should stimulate people to do more good instead of refraining them or disqualifying good behaviors.
In addition, you already know you parents are wrong and made you a great damage by raising you in that way. Sorry I am going to be too harsh here: please, despite you have forgiven them or not, just cut from the roots that bad karma. Just take away that ideas they planted from your mind, they were wrong and you know it. Please, please, be strong each time, be an adult over your parents senselessness, nobody should tell their kids they have nothing to say. Everybody has something significant and important to say, at least once. Everybody should have a say, even if being intellectually disabled. I am disabled myself and I am submitted to disqualifications every day. There was a time I believed in them, but no more. It is wrong and you know it.
About the woman from Church that told you you post negative things, OK, she should know better. If you are posting negative things, either she should try to be there for you or she should stop reading your posts. By telling your posts are not helpful, she is not helping, or, better to say, she is not trying to help you, but admonish you. There are thousands of people in the Church like her. I am not sure, but I think they have not understand the Gospel, really.
I have been in the Catholic Church for years, and I experienced similar things. While churches are good to people as they bring out spirituality, sometimes they can be very damaging, too. They can be too prescriptive, judgmental, or repressive. And more important, if God exists, he/she is much more bigger than any church.
I hope you feel better soon, please, keep posting!

thank you so much for replying. i'm glad that somehow my posts helped you out. a lot of what you say i have already (at least superficially) done. but it's hard to fix the deep emotional hurt when it's been sitting there since i was old enough to remember. i think it's that way for a lot of people. they have these issues that they struggle with, and it's hard to separate the truth from the lies and the pain. i am guilty of not really thinking about that part of the story, though. i have become very conscious of it, and have been trying to be better. i've tried thinking about how i would feel in a situation, and what i would want someone to say to me, and if that is a logical response then i try that out. but most of the time i just keep quiet. especially in person.

there are only a few people that i am okay with. i don't think wanting to be a good influence for someone means that i am automatically an extrovert. i think that is completely false and sounds like something my mother would say. she used to call me a "social butterfly" with this disgusted tone because i was worried about how the people i talked to at school thought of me, or because i had one or two people i talked to outside school. if i had any friends, she made fun of me in front of them and ended up sort of stealing them away. they would only hang out with me if she was around because she was so "fun" to be around. meh. i am not a social butterfly. i am not an extrovert just because i have this anxiety about how others view me. i am not an extrovert just because i want to help people once in a while. i just want to be worth something. i want to be a good person. no, i don't want to be ignored, but who seriously does? i can't work where i do and NOT be at least a little sociable. there is no way you can be in customer service with a ****** attitude. you'll get fired and that's stuck on your files and you can't work in a public setting. so i have to act like i like people. they're okay to talk to sometimes, but i don't want anything to do with them once they leave the store.

[Clara22]

Hi DreamAddiction37,
Yes, you are totally right about how to fix this deeply, it is not so easy! It is the same for me, sorry I told you what I needed to tell myself. About "social butterfly": when reading your experience, I immediately remembered a lady in an event at the Church (some time ago). She gave this testimony about her personality: she had been always criticized by her parents and others (including her husband) about her being a social butterfly, at the point to mimic people. They said to her: you have no personality. That was very painful to her, she suffered profoundly because that ( her social butterflyism that later she learned to call it in a different manner) was a natural characteristic of hers. Then she had a great insight and after that she learned how to manage this tendency to empathy, she could be more helpful to others. In fact, she could easily "be one" with others (in the Gospel sense). I am sorry I cannot transmit all her testimony in depth, but I found it very rebelling. It was ignorance that kept this "gift" under the waters. Something that had been seen as an weakness became a strength. I will try to find some material about "how to become one with others" perhaps it can better explain the concept of this testimony (it was some time ago, and I do not remember it very well). If I find it, i will send it to you. Hope you will feel better soon!

[Clara22]

OK, this is a summary of the theme that the testimony was illustrating. The testimony was about becoming one with our neighbor, particularly this capacity of emptying yourself to embrace the other
You can find a whole refection on this link April 1978
I will copy and paste below some of the parts that were relevant to the testimony

"In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets. (Mt 7:12).
(...)
There is a word of the Gospel that sets us thinking and, once we understand it a bit, makes us jump with joy. It sums up all we should do in life. It recapitulates all the law that God has inscribed in the depths of every human heart. Listen to it:

In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.

This is the "Golden Rule"

It was brought by Christ, even though it was already universally known. The Old Testament included it. It was known to Seneca, and in the Orient the Chinese thinker Confucius said it. And others too. And this says how close it is to God's heart: how he wants all people to make it the basic rule of their lives.

It pleases the ear and sounds like a slogan.

In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.

Let's love every neighbour we meet during the day like this.

Let's imagine we are in others' situations, treating them as we would want to be treated in their place. The voice of God within us will suggest how to express the love appropriate to every situation.

Are they hungry? I myself am hungry, let us think. And we give them something to eat.

Are they being unjustly treated? So am I.

Are they in darkness and doubt? I am too. And we speak words of comfort and share their suffering; we do not rest until they find fight and relief. We would want to be treated like this.

Do they have a disability? I will love them until I can feel in my own heart and body the same infirmity. Love will suggest to me how I can help them feel equal to others, indeed that they have an extra grace, because as Christians we know the value of suffering.

And so on without any distinction between those who we find pleasant and those we do not, between young and old, friend or enemy, fellow citizen or stranger, beautiful or ugly.... The Gospel includes everyone.(...)"

[Ultra Darkness]

I was just more or less gone for the last month and all of three people even welcomed me back. I can fully understand the feeling that no one cares.