[sparklekitty]

Hello everyone I am new to this forum so hello, Im a girl and Im 19 years old. I have been struggling with depression for about a year and have just given in and started taking citalopram.
I need to write down all of this so Im really sorry if this post is really long.
I would say that I have always been quite a happy person growing up and my childhood was average. However now this is not the case. It all started when my sister was born when I was 10 years old. Since then I have noticed a change in my mother. Maybe I just started to realise that her behaviour was not normal.
Anyway I will start with where my depression started from. Basically when I was 16 I met the love of my life who is now my other half. I knew from the very beginning that he was perfect for me and I love him more and more each day. We may be young (I am 19 he is 20) but without him for me life wouldn't be worth living. I introduced him to my parents when I turned 17. my mother hated him. I don't say that lightly. she absolutely hated him right from the second she laid eyes on him and would not give him a chance. She came up with all sorts of reasons why she couldn't ever accept him- things like his looks, his qualifications, his job prospects- when none of those things are questionable for me. She started making more and more absurd accusations against him- like he was gay, or that he was cheating on me and she knew this because his mums friend told her- when she doesn't know any of his mums friends as they live far away so how is that possible? anyway I knew none of these things were true. on the first day she met him she called him a 'prick' for being with me and said 'good luck with that *****'. I just didn't understand and could barely even comprehend this behaviour. as our relationship progressed she would constantly try and ruin it. if I saw him she would make me feel guilty- eg. one day when I went to see him she said I was causing my dad to breakdown. she blamed my grandfathers death on me. she took my phone off me for weeks on end so I couldn't communicate with anyone. All of this was going on when I was trying to study for my a levels. I just wanted a normal life. one say when me and my sister went shopping with my boyfriend she started saying that he was possessive and wouldn't even let me go out with my sister which was so untrue!!!!!! she wouldn't let me go to his birthday party and made up all of these reasons why not. all of this time he supported me and never gave up when other people of our age would have. when his mum helped me get work experience in a law firm my mum said it was because he wanted me all to himself and never wanted me to go to uni. I went on the pill for my painful periods and I had a bad reaction to it and she said the only reason I was on it was for him. these are only just examples of what she came up with and the fights we had were truly awful. she would do anything to get her own way and my sister and dad never once stuck up for me.
You could assume that she was doing all this for my best interests or being overprotective etc but it was never about that ever.
anyway she seemed to be less hostile towards him that summer and so I thought maybe I could confide in her more and maybe we could have a relationship. I let her come to the doctors with me to sort out some issues I was having at the time (not related to my depression she doesn't know about that). she found out at the doctors that me and my boyfriend were sexually active and she went absolutely crazy. I have never seen anyone so livid before in my life. she hit me so hard and was just so so angry. she was saying all of these horrible things about him and that he was using me for sex etc... the list goes on.
basically she said that either I dump my boyfriend or I cannot live under their roof. now at this point I was about to take my final a level examinations and this was a very stressful time for me. I took my studies very seriously and my boyfriend was very supportive and understanding of this. it was a very dark place for me. I had the support of my boyfriends family and I told some of my friends but I couldn't move in with my boyfriend because he lived so far away from my school and I just badly needed to concentrate on my exams. he was there for me throughout all of this but I still felt so alone and betrayed. I tried to explain to my mum that we had sex because we love each other not because it was dirty or anything like that. she wouldn't change her opinion though.
so in the end my only option was to lie. I said I dumped my boyfriend when I hadn't. this was the worst thing to deal with. I hate lying and this was one massive lie. my boyfriend and I decided I would move into his house as soon as my exams were over.
the week after this happened was my birthday and I have to say it was the worst day of my life. my parents took my phone off me the night before for no reason so I couldn't speak to my boyfriend or any of my friends. they ignored me for the whole day and there was nothing I could do about it. I had 2 really important exams the following week and the stress of everything was making me feel so hopeless. I just really couldn't cope. I tried to kill myself twice that week. it made me very sick but I didn't die. thankfully. I was in a very dark place then.
surprisingly enough I came top in my year in my a level exams. this will forever be a massive achievement for me considering all the stress I was under. I got into university to study law and I thought finally I could have a life.
my parents were going to help me through uni which was why I didn't move into my boyfriends house as I wouldn't have been able to go otherwise. this is a bad thing as it means they have a hold on me which I cannot seem to escape from.
I spent most of my first year at uni with my boyfriend. its like when you cant have something and then you can, you cant get enough of it. being with him is like heaven. and im scared about not being with him during holidays when I have to go home as my parents obviously cant know about us. I get on so well with his family and I feel like a part of it. I feel surrounded by love when im there- his mum has been a constant source of support to me and I love her so much. we get on so well.
I got a 2:1 in my first year law which I am proud of but I know I could do better if I didn't have this constant cloud hanging over me. if me and my boyfriend didn't have to sneak around to see each other I wouldn't feel depressed and anxious. lying makes me feel so guilty as well and I feel like im living two lives. I feel like I cant make the most of my life at uni and with my boyfriend because im so worried about my life at home with my parents. when I came home for the first time at chirstmas I thought things would have changed and they would treat me like an adult. I was wrong. far from it. they still talk to me like im 12 and verbally abuse me. at easter when I came back my mum told me she hated me and wished I had never been born. she said that I was obviously gossiping and spreading lies about her as my best friends mum was ignoring her. this hurt so bad because I hadn't done that at all.
after that I started feeling more and more anxious and depressed and couldn't concentrate on my exams. my panic attacks got worse and more frequent so I decided I needed some extra help and went on antidepressants. however I still feel awful. now that im home for the summer I feel so so low. my mum has been nothing but horrible since I got back. she has been saying that I treat her abysmally when all I foolishly do is try to please her. I try to have conversations with her the way I do with my boyfriends mum and try and get on her level but she resists constantly. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know if I should come clean in the hope that they will leave me alone and I will not have to see them ever again, or if I should carry on lying so that they can continue to help me through uni. I know that I cannot afford uni by myself and will feel guilty if my boyfriend starts helping me but maybe this is the only way. I keep telling myself to stay strong and look to the future and i know that if my parents keep helping me then me and my boyfriend can save up for our own home and the future, but there must be another way. my mental health is severely suffering from this situation. I need desperate help and advice. I know that I haven't described the situation very well but I hope that any one who reads this can understand and empathise with what I am going through.
im so sorry that this is so long and please please reply with your thoughts. I need as much help as I can get and thank you so much for reading this post xxxxxxxx

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Sparklekitty.

The stresses of family, relationships, education and life in general are magnified for anyone suffering from depression. But you already know that. The trick is to find a way to treat the illness in ways that do not compromise your future. Can you minimize your time in triggering situations? Have you investigated "setting healthy boundaries"?

Wishing you continued success and ever-increasing mature independence!

Why don't you ask to be permitted to talk to a counselor in the university's health clinic?
See if it is helpful, and, if so, go in to see a psychiatrist.

You and your mother have some problems that need to be resolved, even if it means
a forgiving and moving on for you.

Frankly, I'd try to go to summer school next year to avoid being at home if for no other reason; too late for this year, but maybe next year you can work it so that you avoid
the stress of the home, and you'll get ahead in your studies. It's worth a try, in my view.

I think you're holding up remarkably well, and I hope you will get the help you need
before there is a crash.

You'll be fine with the help you need.

Good luck in law school.

[kaliope]

Hi sparklekitty and welcome to psych central
It sure sounds like you have a lot on your plate and the guilt is eating you up. Would you be able to walk away from your family if you chose your boyfriend? you have a difficult choice to make. it doesnt sound like your boyfriend would mind helping support you thru uni and that option would take so much pressure off of you, if you are willing to live with how your mother would feel about you. But it is your feelings that matter and you seem most happy and get the most support from boyfriend and his family so you really wouldnt be losing much but heartache.