[vonapathy]

This past weekend was supposed to be rejuvenating and palliative--it was anything but.

A good friend of mine has noticed that I've been 'off' these past 2 months, so she decided that we should do something fun to lift my spirits. We planned on "visiting Chicago like tourist", i.e. hit up all the tourist attractions we normally avoid since we live here.

My husband and I were supposed to arrive at her house at 9am on Saturday, have some breakfast, and then head down to the lake. Instead, I woke up at 9am Saturday and proceeded to having panic attacks, one right after the other. My husband and I didn't make it to her house until 1pm. From there, all of our plans just kinda.. went to s***, and we didn't do anything we planned on doing. We still went downtown, but I was so physically worn out (and mentally beat up) from the panic attacks that I was just kinda...half participating.

Sunday I planned on getting up nice and early to do laundry and buy some groceries; the idea was to have all these tasks completed before 5pm so I could relax for the rest of the evening. Instead, I had panic attacks for most of the day; while I managed to go grocery shopping, it was a tearful and humiliating experience. My brain was in such a fog, I couldn't think/remember what to buy so I wasted an 1.5 hours wandering around the grocery store, utterly indecisive and growing increasingly frustrated with myself.

I didn't finish doing laundry until 9:45pm. I kept stopping because I'd be overcome by tears/anxiety/fear/sadness/etc. I'd have to take 10 minute "breathers" in the bathroom (i.e. cry, shake uncontrollable, minor SI behavior), so as to avoid my husband's prying eyes.

Everyday tasks are becoming more difficult. I'm either seized by apathy, nihilism, or acute anxiety. My husband is becoming increasingly suspicious, which indicates that my facade is fading. And yet in spite of all of this I still go to work (even though my current productivity = a warm body in a cubicle), ergo, "its not that bad".

what will it take for me to get help?

[sewerrats]

Its the other way round depression thrives on anxiety, KILL the anxiety and depression dont happen in most case,s . Get a good AD with an anxiety agent like lexarpo, even a short term benzo script .

[gayleggg]

I agree see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. You could use some extra help. You shouldn't have to deal with this much misery.
Gayle

[Amelia Pond]

Can you talk to your husband about how you're feeling? Or to your friend? I agree with the suggestions above WRT meds and therapy. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It sucks.