[shortandcute]

having a lot of mixed feelings today; i feel like there's a weight on my shoulders and i havent the gumption to do something about

[tigerlily84]

I want to tear my hair out. So frustrated right now!

[Ganymede00]

I'm back to actively seeking "help". I've been ignoring anything mental health all summer but I sent an email to a new therapist today. I'm scared/nervous but we'll see where this takes me.

[shortandcute]

Feelin' bleh. My current physician doesn't want to prescribe me meds anymore even tho he still thinks I need them; I was seeing a psychiatrist who takes medicaid, but I could only see her when I was getting counseling at that facility--but they always discontinue after a few months whether you like it or not. I could go back to this one clinic I was going to before to get my meds, but I hate that clinic. sigh

[herethennow]

So I'm still living. And still in the dark corner. Failed.

T and pdoc appt coming soon and I... don't know whether I should tell them about my failed sui attempt. I don't feel like fighting anymore. What for fight when I can't see the end? T talked about the journey being a marathon, but here I am thinking "at least a marathon you can clearly see the end... all I see now is the words "I should just give up.""

Was half wanting to meet pdoc earlier the other day because of my attempt but.. again I thought about the previous session and how he didn't really bother to know about me.. so.. I gave up on the idea. Guess I'm alone now. T is just focusing more on other things...

[tigersassy]

Doing ok I guess. Feel very blah. Not up not down just there.

[1948kate]

Way down, sorry I can't add to the cheer out there. My meds are not working, we've been trying to get the right combo for 6 months. I'm losing hope that this depression will ever end. Not sure, at this point er will ever find the right meds. Anyone out there have any miracles?

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Bark

Gone on a trip and going back tomorrow. I wish I'd booked it earlier an for longer, but I've already seen and done things I never have before. So that's good. Got along some with the people I went on the trip with.

But of course I have to forget something. Like my phone charger. And, more importantly, my meds. And of course I didn't bring a copy of my prescription when I travelled here, although I thought about it. So I ended up calling a toll-free number an explaining how I wasn't a resident, didn't have insurance, and didn't have a prescription. She told me to try my luck at a pharmacy, and if that didn't work out, to go to a walk-in clinic. So I went to the pharmacy, no luck. I called my dad and asked if he could get me a copy of my prescription. The next day, I went to a Safeway, and the pharmacist was amazing. I told him that I only needed a few pills till I got back to where I was staying. He put some pills in a bottle and said it was a gift. I felt so lucky. After that, I saw that I got an e-mail with a scan of my prescription. I ought to carry that around on my phone. I think everyone that takes meds should have either an image of their prescription on their phone or a folded prescription in their pocket.

Overall it was a great trip... except for feeling so incredibly guilty for asking for money and being told I needed to act like an adult and budget properly when he asked me before I left if I needed money and I said yes and so assumed I was getting some. Gah. So I'm trying to spend as little of that money as possible. I mean, I could have managed, but why didn't you say that you were not sending me money instead of having me wonder? I don't know, I'm still bothered by it. It's as if the money I got is tainted. I felt guilty for buying an ice cream. I'm going to return something I bought and that should cover that cost. So basically all I would have spent of that money would be for dinner that night. I don't want the money. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if I'm even being clear now; I'm not going to read what I wrote. It just kills me inside to know that I've bothered someone, especially a friend or family member. It kills me.

Money is a difficult think. People use it to manipulate and judge. I'm having to borrow money from a family member now, and I feel like hell. But when I start to think about it, I try to make myself STOP! I am not valuable because of what I have or don't have. Neither are you!!!

[lindammarie]

I dread this weekend...

[ScathachWarrior]

Today has simply been terrible.
I'm coming down with something, can barely sit up at the moment. My depression has been constantly off and on for the past few weeks - only a day or two between episodes instead of a week or more as it usually is.
I keep trying to talk to one of my friends about it, but his internet is screwy today and he can't stay connected. I feel more alone than ever today. I want to stop hurting.

[tigerlily84]

I was passed up for a promotion at work by someone who has barely worked there since May! I've been there 4 years. I'm done with that place.

[themonster7]

There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I keep thinking I've hit rock bottom and then I drop even farther. Some people just weren't meant for life.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by herethennow

So I'm still living. And still in the dark corner. Failed.

T and pdoc appt coming soon and I... don't know whether I should tell them about my failed sui attempt. I don't feel like fighting anymore. What for fight when I can't see the end? T talked about the journey being a marathon, but here I am thinking "at least a marathon you can clearly see the end... all I see now is the words "I should just give up.""

Was half wanting to meet pdoc earlier the other day because of my attempt but.. again I thought about the previous session and how he didn't really bother to know about me.. so.. I gave up on the idea. Guess I'm alone now. T is just focusing more on other things...

I was going to post about how I'm not motivated to do much—including replying. But I had to say that I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad the attempt failed. I don't want to imagine you no longer posting on this thread. I know it hurts, I really do, but you have to stick around. Feel free to PM me anytime; I apologize in advance if I take a while to reply, but trust that I'll have read it as soon as I saw it. And please, please don't let that reply go unread.

We're a bit alike, you know; I can relate to so much of what you've written. You can call me selfish, but I don't want to lose you or anyone else here. Life's hard enough without knowing that one of your friends is gone forever. This goes for all of you. I know the pain can be too hard to bear, but you've gotta.

[Bark]

Eh, I feel lazy and unmotivated. The idea of reading one of my books too tiring. Not to mention it's late. But still.... the tiredness and the lack of motivation and the occasional pangs of depression are getting to me, not to mention my growing belly. I think it's time for yet another med change.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Bark

I was going to post about how I'm not motivated to do much—including replying. But I had to say that I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad the attempt failed. I don't want to imagine you no longer posting on this thread. I know it hurts, I really do, but you have to stick around. Feel free to PM me anytime; I apologize in advance if I take a while to reply, but trust that I'll have read it as soon as I saw it. And please, please don't let that reply go unread.

We're a bit alike, you know; I can relate to so much of what you've written. You can call me selfish, but I don't want to lose you or anyone else here. Life's hard enough without knowing that one of your friends is gone forever. This goes for all of you. I know the pain can be too hard to bear, but you've gotta.

Thank you Bark. I still don't know whether I can stand it anymore. I am tired of fighting, I really am. T is telling me that maybe somewhere inside me there's a little bit of hope, but I'm not so sure myself. I don't think you're selfish, instead, I am. I am selfish for wanting to leave... and causing everyone else around me pain.

I'm sorry if this is too triggering :/ I don't feel like my pdoc and T understands me.. whenever I slip into a crisis the first thing they'll suggest is to admit me like as if hospitalisation solves everything. No, it exacerbates everything. What for be hospitalised when in the end I won't be understood? What for be stuck in a "safe" place when in the end I have to lie in order to be discharged?

I'm really really tired. Nothing is working. Nothing is ever going to work. Sigh.

Life really is what you make of it...so mine is a mess 'cause that is what I have done.
The rest of this year is going to be agonizing.
The time is here and now to face all of what I have done and watch it play out.
I pray that my daughter is spared as much shame and humiliation as possible.
The financial house of cards is coming down.

[NJBlues]

I've been feeling better the past couple of days, even getting out and doing things. Reconnected with some friends. Still taking too long to get out of bed in the mornings, have to do something about that. Also have to get back to work one of these days, I can't take an indefinite leave. I think the Paxil and group therapy are starting to help!

[whimsygirl]

So sick of this life ~the pain. Wanting it all to end....

[herethennow]

Whimsy, I feel the same way too and please know I'm here rooting for you. You've been a great supporter here in the forums. I'm here behind you. Hope you can find a place to rest for a little bit soon.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by herethennow

Whimsy, I feel the same way too and please know I'm here rooting for you. You've been a great supporter here in the forums. I'm here behind you. Hope you can find a place to rest for a little bit soon.

herethennow....Your message brought me to tears. It's been such a hard day, with a lot of very dark thoughts, but reading what you wrote I felt a tiny bit of light come in. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I hope you know that I'm behind you also. I'm so sorry that you're in such pain too, and I pray that some comfort comes your way Please know that you will remain in my thoughts, and ttyl ~whimsy