[lil_bit]

I hope someone reads this, and can maybe give me some kind of advice. I used to visit these forums a lot when I was younger, and they really helped me a ton in overcoming my eating disorder. I still have ups and downs with that, but for the most part I'm okay now with food.

But I'm depressed. I recently went through a very painful breakup (2 months ago). I thought she was the one for me. I'm 23 years old. I always imagined that I'd have my life figured out by this age, and I have almost everything I ever wanted. I live in the city of my dreams, I'm in the doctoral program of my dreams with full funding, I have amazing friends, and I like the person I've become, but I have nobody to share it with. A relationship has never been this important to me before now, but now it's like I need it to survive. I don't want all of my accomplishments and opportunities if at the end of the day, I'm all alone.

I attempted suicide twice in the last month, and I don't even know why. Everyone thinks I have the greatest life. They say things like "I wish I was as strong as you" and "You have the perfect life" and I can only laugh when they say these things....they think so highly of me, and don't know that less than 24 hours before I had attempted suicide. I hide it so well, but it hurts so much.

I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy, and I like my therapist, but I think I feel worse after going. It's not her fault, I think I'm just difficult. I can't help but think that there's no point in anything. It's all so arbitrary. I have accomplished so many things for my age, but at the end of the day I'll die eventually and those accomplishments will fade away. I have helped so many people, and could probably help more, but what does it matter if at the end of the day we all die...everything is forgotten. Even if somebody saves the world, eventually they die, everyone in that world dies, and all of it is forgotten. What is the point then?

I am not religious. I am spiritual, a buddhist, which I think doesn't help. In Buddhism, all things are transient, and attachment is the root of suffering. We are said to be free, enlightened when we release our desire to hold onto things, when we live in the moment and embrace the present without regard to the past and future. I love this ideology, but it is so much more difficult to put into practice than it is to speak.

I have a psychiatrist as well. They've tried amitriptyline, welbutrin, zoloft, and lamictal. I think all of these only make me more depressed. I think the lamictal is making me suicidal. I'm trying to believe it's just the drug, and that I'll go back to my doctor and we can fix it. But it's so hard.

This isn't a suicidal post...I don't want to die. I want to feel better...I just don't know what else to do =( I hope somebody has a suggestion or some kind words that might help. I feel like I'm running out of options, and I want so badly to feel better, to feel like myself again.

[Nammu]

I have no advice to give you, but I do hear you.

[Melinae]

I hear you as well, and can relate to much of your struggle.

[online user]

One thing that struck me as I read your post is that you are only 23, and worrying because you haven't met your "soulmate", the person with whom you can have a lasting and meaningful relationship. From my experience, more people meet the type of person that I suspect you are seeking in their late twenties or later. I think you probably don't have a significant other because you haven't sought one before. Now you are at a place in your life when you feel it would be beneficial. So I suspect you will find someone. As you said, you have a good circle of friends. It's like the appliance ads in the newspaper--you never see them till the washer or the frig acts up, then you see them all through the paper!

As for the depression, you have a T. whom you like and a pyschiatrist, so you have the tools to help you with your depression. Unfortunately, sometimes it's "hit or miss" with antidepressants. I am one who needs meds to keep me on an even keel and I suspect I'm a lot like you--highly intelligent and successful, yet troubled by dark times when I'm not medicated right. Please be patient and let your pyschiatrist know of your suicidal feelings so you can tweak your meds.

BTW, I met my "soulmate" when I was in my forties.

[angryworld]

There are good days and bad days. Feelings come and go. The feeling of hopelessness will go too. Be good to your friends, doing what you like to do and trying a few new things with good friends is the best way to find your soulmate.