[bronzeowl]

This is more of a rant than anything else. I apologize ahead of time. I just need to get this off my chest and don't know where else to do so. I didn't know where it fit but since this contributes to my depression (major trigger/s), I figured this board seemed appropriate.

I don't have many friends as it is. I have one close friend who is not family (offline) and she lives too far away for me to see her regularly. With school in the picture and her working to support her toddlers, we seldom ever see each other any more. The rest of my offline "friends" are merely family. And then I have one single close friend online. That's it. This causes me to be constantly lonely as it is without the added stress of jealousy. Not on my part. On theirs. I'm aware that may sound a little egotistical but stay with me.

I'm sick of dealing with it. I truly am. My sister is jealous of the rate at which I've been losing weight. I don't usually see it, personally. I still think I'm overweight but that's whatever and that's a topic for another day, another thread. She has not come outright and said it. But the subtle hints are enough for me to pick up on it. The constant reminders. The jabs at me. They all make me feel about three inches tall. The other day when I was asking her for the keys to her car so I could put my stuff in it to leave, I happened to glance at her computer (unintentionally, things happen) and saw one sentence referring to me and how she often looks at me and just wants to scream. My "weight loss" has been rough. I keep having people point it out. Asking me if I've lost weight. Telling me I've lost weight. And all this does is trigger me. It makes me feel depressed. It makes me feel like there's a reason they feel a need to point it out. And to have someone jealous of it? I can't understand why. Because I know that even if I am getting smaller, it's not because I'm healthy. And I hate thinking that I may be making it harder for her to lose weight because she's going to compare herself to me. I don't know how to deal with that.

Then there's my online friend. Who busies herself with so much. Burying herself in work and school. Naturally, she's falling behind in school. I have only school and about 10 hours a week of work (I work for my sister, not a company or anything) to look forward to. I have nothing else going on in my life. So, naturally, I have a lot of time to dedicate to school. I did mention how I was bothered that I didn't do better on my first exam (despite getting a B on it) and that was probably tactless on my part. I'm a perfectionist. When I try my hardest I'm used to being an A student but of course... it's my first year of college, my depression is currently untreated, I'm barely making enough to get by. I'm under a lot of stress. And so I second guessed myself and it's bothering me. I shouldn't have mentioned it to her knowing her situation. But I can sometimes be tactless in conversations. I admit it and I realize it. Usually hours later, but I realize it. Still, it bothered me when she said that she wished she could do as well as I do. It's not the fact that she insinuated I'm doing well. I'm doing fine for someone in their first semester, I guess. It's the fact that I felt like it was belittling how hard I try. That I felt horrible because I had brought up my B when I knew she was probably struggling.

It's not the fact that they seem jealous that bothers me so much. It's the fact that I don't think they have anything to be jealous of. I have been on a downward spiral this past year. I am NOT someone anyone needs to look up to. I am not someone anyone needs to model themselves after. I am depressed. I am self destructive. I busy myself with work because it shuts the silence up. Because it distracts me from my deepest, darkest thoughts. Because for a moment, I think that maybe... I can do something right. For just a moment. And then it's gone. And I'm back to sitting in front of a screen on another Saturday night wondering what I'm going to do next. Thinking, surely, I'll fail at anything I try. Psychology? Surely I'll fail. Maybe I'll try my hand at Criminal Justice? I think they'd never let me in. English? I convince myself that I'm not good enough. What bothers me is that people are jealous of people without knowing what is going on. My weight loss is because I rarely eat any more. Not because I'm strong. My grades are because schoolwork is the only distraction I have any more. Not because I'm dedicated. I'm nothing to be jealous of.

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm not really looking for any advice per se, though it is more than welcome as always. I guess this could have equally gone in dealing with emotions as I have trouble understanding jealousy. But nevertheless, it's a huge contributing factor to my depression at the moment. I feel like everything I do, everyone I know is watching me. And it makes me feel as though I'm constantly on display. Thanks for reading. I know I post too much lately and my posts are always too long. I just always have a lot on my mind and no one to ever say it to.

Trigger warning just in case.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

I busy myself with work because it shuts the silence up. Because it distracts me from my deepest, darkest thoughts.

"Ranting" and posting also distract.
I regret the ways you cope with depression cause some relationship turbulence that comes back to trigger you. There are far worse ways to cope.
Please keep posting, Bronzeowl.

[bronzeowl]

That it does. Which is, actually, probably why I do it so often lately.
I know there are worse ways to cope. I've been and am guilty of some of them. The work has helped me slow down with certain ones. Which I want to believe is a good thing. It can be hard to convince myself that it is at times.
Thanks for your reply. It's hard posting for me sometimes and then other times, not so much. Often, it's just comforting to know there are others out there who read and understand.

[Yoda]

I am sorry you are bummed out lately. Rant anytime. You don't post too much; I enjoy reading your posts.

I don't have any advice but I'll share a favorite quote.

“ It doesn't matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop. ” Confucius

[bronzeowl]

Thank you, Yoda.

I'm trying hard not to be. But it seems the harder I try, the harder it is not to be.

I love the quote. It seems oddly fitting for me right now. Because I don't want to stop and yet, all my mind can focus on is why I should. (Not that I should... but try telling my mind that. )