I dislike myself

Hello. New to the community and thought I'd introduce myself.

My name is Y. I am in my late 20s living in Los Angeles. I am of course, here for the film industry.

I hate myself, there's actually only one thing I don't hate about me and that's my intelligence and talent. I write, and I am actually on the crest of a giant opportunity right now, but despite this I still thoroughly hate myself and my life. The only thing I don't utterly hate is my dog.

I love him to death, in every real way he's the only thing I really care about. I don't have anybody or anything else I care about, including myself. I'm not suicidal, but I was; instead I'm just sort of feeling like it might not be too terrible if I died. It honestly doesn't seem like it would be too horrible, I mean my life is so empty of anything that I truly want or truly matters; what's an infinite black void compared to that? At least then I wont' consciously know and see every single day what I'm missing out on.

Honestly it comes back to my dog. He's the only reason I feel it wouldn't be ok for me to slip away. I'd die (no pun intended) before I saw him homeless and back at the shelter I rescued him from.

I only have one person in my life I would call a friend. She genuinely cares about me, but it feels like only when I'm directly in front of her. Maybe that's my own twisted psychosis and low self-esteem at work though, maybe she does care about me even when I'm not right in front of her and my self-esteem is so low that I'm unable to comprehend that someone would care about me when I'm not in their immediate vicinity.

I don't talk to family much, I never have even when I was 'healthy'. My biological father abandoned me when I was 8, like literally left me in an apartment building, and I remember it quite clearly. My mother and step-father both love me dearly and are wonderful people, as are my grandmothers, sister and step-brother. It doesn't matter. I'm not connected to them in any way but blood relation. I feel inside that I care about them, but I don't have any need to actually see them or spend time with them. I suppose it's a good thing they are all in the east coast and thousands of miles away. I haven't seen any family in 5 years. Another 5 before that visit. I don't feel I'm missing out, and calling them is a chore I postpone. Thank god for smart phones and being able to send random texts and push back an actual phone call even more.

I know they care about me, but I also know they've accepted that I'm a lost case. Nobody bothered to tell me when one of my grandmothers died in a car accident until a month after the fact. That might sound terrible, but it was a relief. I have no idea how I would've consoled anyone experiencing real grief. I never know what to say in those situations. It's just awkward.

I am not by any means a sociopath. I care deeply for anything I'm close to. I was in a relationship for 8 years and loved her with everything I had. I love my dog with everything I have. I care about my single friend and am bothered when she's bothered. I just don't care about anyone or anything else.

As I said earlier, I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I'm utterly convinced I'm unattractive despite being told that I'm not. I've been friendzoned or rejected by anyone I was genuinely interested in, I was on a dating site for a year and only got three replies out of over a hundred emails sent. I'm very logical person; this is too much evidence for me to believe that what one or two people tell me is true. They are just being nice, trying to spare my feelings. The funny thing is though that when I look in the mirror, I don't 'see' anything overtly unattractive. I actually 'see' kind of a cute face. I work out and have a decent body. In photographs though is when I see it: that's when I really understand why I'm clearly unattractive. See, that's scientific too: you're used to your own point of view and your brain is used to seeing features of your face a certain way. In a photo though this bias is eliminated. Told you I was logical.

I actually think I'm going to end here. There's plethora of things left that I hate about myself, but I'm not sure anyone really gives a **** to be honest. I'm not even expecting a reply, just typing this out and knowing it's public is sort of cathartic in a way. I have no one to talk to about this, about my feelings of inadequacy or about the fact that I'm convinced I will never find a good relationship until I have made a boat load of money. Deep down I know that the type of woman I find attractive, physically and mentally (mental is a huge thing for me), will never notice me until my success and money can make her ignore my obvious flaws long enough for me to show her the real me, which I still feel might be ok somewhere deep down inside.

But I'm smart enough to know that if that does happen, I'll be in love with a woman that only ever loved me because I distracted her long enough to show her who I was. Not with a woman who knew me, and loved me for me.

Hi, Idislikemyself, welcome to PC. You do sound rather depressed and when we are depressed we usually have many self doubts and fears about how we look and act. If you haven't consulted a professional, I think it would be a good time. Therapy can help you get past your self doubts and help you sort out your feelings. A psychiatrist could possibly help with medicaiton. There are many things that can be done to help you out of this slump. As far as finding a mate, that may take time for you to heal first. And you do seem to have a particular type of woman you want, which may limit your ability to find someone. I wouldn't take much stock in what happened to you on the online social site, those things are hit and miss and usually not very helpful. You seem like a nice, intelligent guy. I think you are being to hard on yourself and just need help getting rid of all the negative stuff so you can be more confident. Glad you have you dog. They are wonderful companions.