[Tapioca67]

I have been depressed for a really long time. I'm 19 years old now, and I first remember feeling this way when I was eight, but I didn't know what it was. This has gone on longer than ten years, and I have never spoken to anyone about it. I just don't know what to do. I am not suicidal but I don't see the point in trying anymore. I don't want to try. I just want to sleep when I get down. Normally that's what I do.
My sister noticed sometime during my first year of high school, when my depression peaked. She would tell me that I better not just sleep, cause that's what I do when I get sad. I remember crying to her after I was going through crap with my so called friends and my boyfriend at the time. I think that was the first time she ever saw me my that down.
By the November of my sophomore year I just couldn't take it anymore, again I'm not suicidal nor have I ever been, but I stopped caring about the quality of my life. It was then when I started smoking marijuana, because I could escape everything and just get high. I stopped caring about my future, about what I was expected to do, and about my own personal values.
I truly believe I never would have touched pot if it hadn't been for my depression. I was desperate for some sort of escape, for some quick fix to my long struggle with depression. I definitely never would have went home one afternoon stoned. I remember my younger brother looking at me, laughing at how silly I was acting. My dad laughed a long. Looking back, I almost wanted to get caught, I wanted to feel like someone cared. My rational mind told me that of course people cared, my depression told me that if someone cared my year of being a pothead wouldn't have gone unnoticed.
It has been three and a half years since I've gotten high, and I'm proud of that, yet my happiness is still missing. I've definitely experienced happiness. This last 13 months of college have been the best time of my life. I have great friends that I see every day, and they actually care about me, unlike my high school friends. I feel wanted, and because I'm not around my family I have less people bringing me down.
Everything is good, but I just want to break down and cry. I feel so alone, surrounded my people. I feel like no one truly wants me around, that I am just a nuisance to those who have to be around me. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I'm tired of hurting, but I just can't bring myself to get therapy. I don't know what to do.

[manwithnofriends]

Simple really. Tell your friends how you feel.