[Xiao Shu]

It's been nearly two months since I lost my cat, whom I loved very much, and the worst of it is I am entirely to blame for his death. I malnourished him for months, all the while thinking I was doing the best for him.He had been very sick last summer, they said it was a gall stone, but, finally, after a lot of treatment we managed to pull him through. The only trouble is after that I became a bit paranoid and started feeding him less wet food (although it was already diet food), especially after he seemed to develop a bit of diarrhea (which may have been me being paranoid again). I was constantly on the phone with the vet, trying new dry food diets, but all the while it never occurred to me to feed him the usual amount of wet food. Eventually, the vet proposed doing some more tests and he was diagnosed with triaditis, we tried a number of treatments, but they didn't seem to help either. He stopped eating dry food altogether and would eat even less wet food than I was giving him. We were just about to start some acupuncture sessions and, frustrated with his lack of appetite, I thought it might be a good idea to start giving him boiled meat. I checked with the vet, he said it was ok, so I started feeding him boneless chicken breast. He seemed to enjoy it at first and, thinking it was the healthiest food for him (boy, was I wrong), I gave thim that for about two weeks. I tried tempting him with it even when he clearly didn't want it and only when all else failed did I switch to Hill's id. In the meantime, he seemed to have less and less of an appetite and was becoming very lethargic, but it never occurred to me to try feeding him more appetizing food, not even when stopped eating altogether. Eventually the vet suggested running some more tests and this time they found he had a severe anaemia and his pancreatitis had gotten worse. They got him on iv, I took him for three blood transfusions, after the third transfusion he started urinating blood and died in my arms during the night. Sorry to bore you with all the details, I just wanted to give you a gist of all the things I feel guilty about (there's more actually, but these would be the main things). My question is how can I possibly forgive myself after all the stupid mistakes I made, after literally starving him to death? Everyone is telling me it wasn't my fault, but I cannot stop thinking that, had I done things differently, he would still be here now I should have researched more about his illness and the proper diet, I should have quizzed the vet more, I should have acted faster when I saw how lethargic he was becoming. I feel I am a terrible person and I will never forget the look in his eyes as life was draining out of him...

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Xiao Shu.

Grief over the loss of a beloved companion is wrenching. I'm sorry for the passing of your friend.

It is obvious you deeply cared for your cat and went to great lengths to battle his illnesses and make him comfortable. Your sense of guilt is intertwined with your grief, a grief that may be tied to depression or developing depression. Is it possible for you to relax your mind so that the sense of guilt can unravel itself?

Please make yourself at home here. Consider visiting the Grief and Loss Forum.

[A Red Panda]

It sounds like you really were trying your very best to help your cat. I am so sorry to hear how much you are in pain, and I understand. I had to put my cat down about 8 years ago and I still cry over her because I miss her and feel horrible about when she died (she got very depressed when I went to university, and it felt like I had abandoned her when I really hadn't wanted to.... she went downhill quickly and I had to put her down because my parents pretty much made me... and knew she was hanging out JUST for the chance to see me... and then the vet didn't give her enough of the drug and I had to sit there with my cat paralyzed for ages. It was... traumatic. So I understand.

[gayleggg]

I think you need to work on forgiving yourself. You did the best you could at the time. The last cat I had was sick and lathagic, too, but I didn't notice in time. By the time we got him to the vet his kidney's were failing and we had to have him put down. I blamed myself. All the if only's couldnt bring him back. I still have pangs of guilt when I think about him. If only I had noticed sooner that he wasn't feeling well. But I didn't. I still cry when I think about it, but it has gotten easier with time. You have my sympathy. And it will take time for you to go through the grieving phases but you are not a bad person.

[H3rmit]

Ask the vet if what you did could have contributed to his death. The vet has much better knowledge than the average person on this. It hurts when intentions are good and skills are not - I relate.

[sobergirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. I just had to have my cat put down because he had cancer. It was just a few weeks ago and the pain is still there. I think about what I could have done differently also. I should have taken him to the vet sooner is my biggest regret. Maybe the cancer would not have spread yet and he could have been saved (he was in surgery to get his leg with the cancer amputated, but they found it had spread and the best thing for him was to put him down). It sounds like you tried very hard to help your cat. Plus, it does not sound like he would have eaten regardless of the type of food on his plate. I can tell you loved your cat very much. I try to look at it as my Jack is not suffering anymore. I can look at pictures of him and smile without tears. Allow yourself to mourn without the guilt and remember the joy and love you two shared. I know it's not easy, but for them we have to be strong so they can rest peacefully knowing we are ok. Hang in there.

[bronzeowl]

Guilt is one of the symptoms and stages of grief. It is probably one of the toughest stages to deal with. It sounds to me, however, like you have no reason to feel guilty. A healthy animal will never starve himself. Even if he does not like the food, he will eat it after a few days of being offered. Your cat was ill, as your vet told you, and you did everything you could to try to help him through it. Allow yourself time to mourn and remember, guilt is a normal stage of grieving. I remember how much that stage hurts. I've had to go through it three times just in the past two years. It's painful. But it was not your fault. And once the guilt passes, you'll probably see that. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Pierro]

I can understand your feelings of guilt but I think you have went to great lenghs to take care of your cat. I am so sorry he passed away.

[fight&win]

I fully understand your pain as I have gone thru similar things. I had a dog, whom I looked upon as my younger brother. His name was 'Veeru'. He died because of kidney failure and I tried to save him but couldnt. I too have guilt trips, but every death has such guilt associated with it. And reading your post, made me remember about my 'Veeru'. I too tried everyting but could not save him. There were times when I felt lazy, when I had to be feeding him lots of water(as part of dialysis). I shout at home whenever the scene of his last breath and when his body went cold in seconds.... comes to my mind. It comes and bites me every time. Maybe he could be cured.Maybe not. I dont know. But I do feel he is around me every time giving me the much needed signals in daily life to cope with depression, and I pray that he is happy wherever he is.

Maybe he(your pet), as a soul, wanted to go. Maybe there was something very wrong with his health which could not have been cured. There is also this point you have to note that veterinary science has not developed the way human medicine has developed. It is better to let go of the negative emotions(in whatever way possible) and remember only the positive moments for your own mental health's sake. Go out and help other animals which are still living, & which need help. That's what I try to do.

[Xiao Shu]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies and words of encouragement. I'm sorry it's taken me ages to reply, I just thought I'd get a mail alert when there were replies to my post. Thank you for sharing your own stories and I'm so sorry for your losses.
H3mit, I did gather the courage to ask the vet, he said feeding him more appetizing foods would probably not have made a difference, but I'll suppose we'll never know and all we're left with now are conjectures.
Rationally speaking, I know all the "what ifs" in the world can't bring him back now, but this doesn't make it any easier for me to forgive myself.
Hugs to you all, hope you're having a good day!