Afraid to seek help and afraid not to

About 14 years ago, I experienced a very traumatic event. I was in the Navy at the time, and I was afraid to let anyone know what had happened. I began drinking to mask my feelings and to escape. Eventually the drinking became a problem too. I went into rehab within the year, because of the problems the alcohol created. While in rehab I felt that I was in an environment that I could address the issues that that I was trying to forget and hide from. I was crushed when my initial fears of ridicule became reality. A few years later I was discharged from the Navy because of alcohol. I was on an emotional rollercoaster for the next few years. Sometime in early '99, I saw a commercial for an experimental treatment for depression. I took part in the trial, and it seemed to work great. The drawback was that it was a study of the medication, and involved no psychotherapy. After the study, I would get monthly followups, and the doctor would give me prescriptions, but there was still no addressing of the underlying issues. Even so, I felt great, better than ever, I was even happy. Later that year, I moved to another state, and was no longer getting any medical attention. It has been a downward spiral ever since. The only feelings that I have anymore are fear, anger, and apathy. I don't even know what love and happiness are anymore. The one positive thing is that my current situation is not alcohol related, I'm not drinking.

I know I need help, and yesterday I found out how I might be able to get it. Now, I am afraid to go. I am afraid that nobody will believe me, because the tears have been gone for years.

What do I do now??? Any support would be appreciated.
Shawn (desperate4help)

im so sorry shawn...

What you have been through sounds very painful. There are people who will believe you though. Maybe you can take it one small step at a time. Dont think about having to go explain the totality of everything on day 1. Maybe you can open up and trust in small steps. Wishing you best. You are very brave.

Shawn, it doesn't take tears to be believed! Go and seek help for yourself. You cannot get help without at least trying and asking for help is usually always scary, because it's so new and different for us and we lose sight of there being others who have had similar problems to ours. There's no need to be alone with your terrible rollercoaster anymore.

Shawn.... boy do i understand what you are saying i have a similar problem i need to see a therapist of some kind but can't bring myself to go i would make the appt do the research and then never go i am afraid not sure of what though maybe it is that people won't believe cause the tears have never come for me cause im numb but eventually i will go and hopefully it will be a good experience

so u should go and receive help knowing that it had already worked for you their job is to believe and if you find one that doesn't believe find another one

it helps to go to a therapist because they are trained in making you feel relaxed and at ease. the most important part of your current situation is just forcing yourself to see the therapist.

NEXT!

Shawn,

I was in much the same situation for (WOW) 16 years. I hadn't realized it had been so long, sorry to digress, I'm kinda shocked. The sooner you get help, the sooner you will start feeling better and rediscovering the feelings you've lost touch with. The first step is VERY hard, I know...but I also believe you can take it

Take care, let us know how things work out.

My PC blog
Caution: it contains copious profanity

I can also understand your hesitancy to again seek help. It has been shown that some depressions can be ameliorated through medication only. (After 6 months it is the same benefit as psychotherapy only for 6 months. The best treatment is usually both, though.)

Are you also considering going back on medication? Going for psychotherapy is a positive action that shows you are interested in becoming a better person. People go to therapy for many things, more than "just" mental illness.

Tears are not required.

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Well...as i see it...you've made the concious choice that you need some help. That is a very positve beginning!
Since you are the "captain" of your "ship", the choice to move forward is all yours.
I remember once when this very thought came to me; that I could get all the advice in the world but that the initial start had to be made by MY choice. Yeah...it's scary...the unknown and all...but this concious realization of yours to seek some sort of help for this is the beginning to freedom.
I find that thought exciting and full of possibilities...now.
I'm certain you will too...if you really try...O.K.?
Take care now...God bless...
m.b.