[Where2gofromhere]

Okay, so first off, I'm writing this by phone, so bear with me on the errors that I'm sure will follow. Now a bit of background information on me, this will be a tad long winded.

Depression is nothing new to me, in fact, there hasn't been too many periods of time where I could say that I haven't been depressed since about 9th grade (I'm 20 now) . I more or less go through cycles of being severely depressed to being just mildly depressed. The mild phases are very manageable anymore, for me. The severe depression bouts are soul crushing and make me just want to get away... from everything and everyone . I mentally just Curl up in a ball and cry on the inside.

I feel like I put up a very good front when with people which masks my emotions which are for the most part negative and bitter. It has led to me not really having much of a personality and more or less just mirroring what I feel the people around me would want. When in class, I have a habit of fading from people's attention and it wouldn't matter much of I was there or not. I often am the only one not talking to someone or texting which makes me feel alone and man's it difficult for me to justify trying to get into a conversation. I can't seem to develop any kind of real friendships, let alone any kind of intimate relationships.

I haven't ever had any kind of girlfriend, ever. I really haven't had any friends that were girls, at least besides the acquaintance level of friend. This has probably been the absolute worst part of depression and has led to severe confidence problems. I have trouble even talking to girls and can't get over the feeling of just being out of place when taking to them. They seem to be able to sense this and typically avoid talking to me and almost avoid being around me. I realize it's because of the type of person I am, this causes the most frustration because I hate being the way I am.

The worst part of the girl situation, or lack there of, is I am very infatuation prone. I get insane crushes on many girls that I get to know and this causes me to basically put them on a pedestal. I began to wonder why they would even talk with me because of how low I would put myself in comparison. I also always assume they are interested in other guys anyway. I figure there's no way I would be able to compete with that persons personality, so, I give up. This is in the process of happening right now and kills me a little on the inside every time. I understand most of the problem there, but it still doesn't help me fix it. Stupid, I know, but that's who I am.

On top of having zero experience with girls which is a huge confidence knock, I also have a huge self image problem. I used to be obese when in high school and since then have undergone a massive change. I'm now well above average as far as fitness and have people compliment me on it. This doesn't help much because I've been called ugly to my face on several occasions, even after having lost the weight. I've also been called attractive, but this has led to confusion and uncertainty more than anything positive. I normally take most compliments very awkwardly, not because I don't appreciate them, but because I just don't know how to respond. I used to think everything would get better once I lost weight and getting a six pack would make me more confident. The only thing it has led to is me realizing that my unhappiness is much deeper than skin.

I'm above average in intelligence and don't have to work hard for the grades I get which almost always is an A or B. I feel no satisfaction from getting good grades on tests and often just get angry at myself for getting wrong as much as I did. 100's don't matter much either, I just assume that the test was too easy. Just because the work is easy for me doesn't mean that college doesn't cause me anxiety. It is actually incredibly stressful for me despite getting through it without much struggle. Although I hate it, it is the only thing that keeps me interacting with people and is probably good for me. The sad part is it would probably be fun for me if I was able to properly communicate with classmates as well as other people going to that campus.

I haven't seriously considered suicide since high school. Those were probably my darkest days, although it's possible that I've just adapted to the loneliness now and it doesn't affect me as much. I used to never think I would graduate high school because I figured I would end up killing myself before I would make it that far. I ended up hanging in there somehow, I think the reason behind it was my parents. I couldn't bring myself to be that selfish knowing the torment it would bring on them. My depression hasn't peaked like that for an extended period since high school, but it feels like it's working it's way up there again.

I know there is no real answer on how to overcome this, but I am very open to suggestions. Even if it's just a method to fight it and hold it at bay, I would love to hear suggestions. I'd also like to hear from others who would consider themselves to have been in a similar situation and if it got better for them. I've always managed to hold onto tiny bits of hope for things to get better, but it gets hard sometimes when things don't really change. The way life is right now, I'm not sure how worth it it is to grind my way through life with minimal happiness. (this is in no way intended to be a suicidal post, so please don't take it that way)

[optimize990h]

Hello, Where2gofromhere.

If you do not have access to a therapist, then you will find a lot of resources here at PC Forums. This includes the members themselves. And sometimes, posting in one forum will help with one perspective. Other forums may help you as well.

I hope you will find the answers to your situation where you will feel you have a focused therapeutic plan of care. In that way, a therapist can be helpful.

[gayleggg]

Also, if you can afford a psychiatrist, I think it would be good to get an assessment. An antidepressant might be what you need to pull yourself out of the depression and when the depression is gone it usually helps with self-esteem problems. It doesn't cure them but sometimes can make a big difference. Good luck to you.