[herethennow]

Sometimes I wonder whether there is any end to this. *sigh*

My Christmas gathering (Sunday) invitee list seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Already I'm minus 4 people due to the impending snow storm. Another three say they will have to play it by ear because of the impending snowstorm. It could end up being a very small gathering with the people that really mean the most to me anyway: my husband, my brother, his wife and their two little girls. I really hope my brother and family don't crap out too . . .

Glad I have some volunteer work to do this morning and then getting ready for the gathering tomorrow and Sunday morning. Still feeling optimistic about my prospective new job. Just wish I wasn't shrinking into hibernation in my bedroom earlier and earlier each evening. Don't know why that's happening. I guess it's called depression?!

[regretful]

Utterly miserable, and I don't see any way out of this. I've never felt this way before; my last depression did not affect me this badly. Getting worse by the minute...

Major downer: my Christmas gathering set for this Sunday had to be cancelled. I was so looking forward to seeing everyone and hosting. Hopefully we can reschedule for a couple of weeks from now.

[Martek]

Holidays suck

[healingme4me]

Reflecting on the holiday seasons, of past, the bittersweet ones; they are just stuck there, in my memory bank. The one, I am replaying tonight, was thirteen years ago, today. I was sitting in my stepdad's hospital room. The nursing staff needed to place a special time release air freshener in his room. He was on a morphine drip. Just sitting in a chair, in his room, alone with him. He kept looking up, at me, but more like looking through me/behind me. That had to be the only holiday, that I did all my xmas shopping on the eve of Christmas. He'd passed on the 23rd. Four years ago, was my last holiday season with my mom. She was really, too tired, to move far from the reclining chair. But, a first for her, since she'd prior, professed to only want o purchase the kids educational toys or clothing, she'd bought the kids non educational toys. I push through the holidays, but at a more relaxed pace. Not many comprehend, what it means to not be out visiting nor to have visitors, for the holidays.

Feeling somber.

[Bark]

Last night was a bad night. Thanks for the encouragement.

[tigerlily84]

Haven't been here in a few days. I know that this time of year can be difficult, and I'm rooting for us all. We'll get through it in one piece.

I finally made an appointment with my therapist. I told her how I felt: that I feel like she doesn't "get" depression or me, that I felt like I didn't want to hurt her feelings. This was on Monday, and it was my last session with her. Also, her office is rather far and now that I have insurance I'm going to find a therapist that's nearby. I'm proud of myself for telling her. I still think I need to go to therapy though. My goal will be to find a therapist that's nearby and to take the time to find one that is a good fit.
I went to get some bloodwork done early this morning, per my doctor's orders. It only took me a month to go, lol. I'm just trying to focus on one thing at a time. Today was touch and go; I'm hoping that things can only get better.

I'm in a bad place, hoping for a better day tomorrow... Sometimes I really wonder if its worth fighting for some kind of peace. I realize we cant be happy every day, but I just want some once in a while... and some contentment....not constant waves of depression and sickness. It doesn't even help to know others are suffering right now, it just makes me think "WHY?" why so much suffering....

[sunsetsunrise]

holidays are something I try to get through. This year even worse than ever. Because someone I love so deeply is profoundly ill. It effects each breath I take. I cannot help people anymore. Can barely help myself. Big ice storm on the way. They say many will be without power by Sunday night.

[Rose76]

Sore from doing a lot of housekeeping in a short space of time. I can happily say I am not depressed. I think this will be a good Christmas for me.

[SilverNeurotic]

My stomach has been in knots for days. Last time i felt like this was before I moved in with my now husband. This time I can't think of anything relevant that is making me feel this way.

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[herethennow]

realised i've been super super super busy that i have forgotten to take my meds for awhile now.

ah no wonder i'm feeling sick. as in physically sick.

other than that, as always... i'm not too good

[Ganymede00]

So, I'm back to giving therapy another chance. I have an appointment on Monday at a clinic. And for my own sake, I'm starting to write things down again. Just to try to make sense of the mess in my head. I've been kinda avoiding even thinking thoroughly about what is truly bothering me for almost 2 years now because it just gets to be too much sometimes. The negative thoughts just keep coming and I don't always know how to put a stop to them. So I just gotta be careful with that.

[Phantasmagorical]

I'm up super late again and don't want to sleep. I'm super bad at identifying when I am depressed (I'm just bad with sad-type emotions in general, yayyy...), but I'm trying to be better about it. Today, I am depressed and it sucks. I really don't want to be depressed for Christmas, but it IS almost the end of the year, and I feel like I've done nothing. I mean, I HAVE done things, but the stupid voice in my head refuses to let me feel like those things were real things.

I'm just so tired of not doing things I should (like call my insurance to figure out what's covered therapy-wise), and not having energy, and avoiding all the feelings of guilt and shame. I'm really hoping next year will be a changing year. And not the changes that I can't look at and say, "Yes, that is CHANGE. Absolutely and for SURE."

...And this is the second post I've written for this thread and I'm trying to convince myself to post it and not give in to the voice in my head that says I'm just a bother. I really need to figure out a way to duct tape that guy's mouth shut. (Or maybe send some ninjas after him??? Anyone know some mind-ninjas?? Come on, don't hold out on me!)

[Bark]

Originally Posted by Phantasmagorical

...And this is the second post I've written for this thread and I'm trying to convince myself to post it and not give in to the voice in my head that says I'm just a bother. I really need to figure out a way to duct tape that guy's mouth shut. (Or maybe send some ninjas after him??? Anyone know some mind-ninjas?? Come on, don't hold out on me!)

I still get that voice sometimes (maybe a lot of the time... :P). Can't say it goes away, but what I do is think, well, some crazy part of my mind thinks it might be a good idea to post. And I'm crazy anyway. So I'll post and close the window. Then it just takes too much effort to reopen it. You can also ask yourself what you would do if someone else asked if they should post. Odds are you wouldn't think they were a bother.

Post away! I can't say I run the thread, but I like seeing posts from regulars and how they're doing, good or bad. And I think many others on here agree.

I'm going to post and close the tab now.

[regretful]

Misery has continued to be the dominant feeling in my life, and today is no different than yesterday other than the day of the week and the date of the month...This is terrible.

Feeling really depressed today. I am in such a rut of having the default activity of lurking/posting on this site - - mainly in the mornings. Not that this site is a bad thing - - it has helped me immensely to feel a bit of comraderie (sp?) and empathy from others. But I think I'm on it too much.

My depression has me locked into just a few activities. I have no interest in doing much besides PC and other computer-related stuff, going to 12 step meetings, occasionally a lunch with some friends, watching t.v. I have lost all interest in doing what most people would consider fun.

Today sucks because my husband has plans all day long and I have virtually nothing to do. I know you're probably thinking, "Well, just find something to do!" In severe depression, it's not that simple. I just hate my life lately. And this lingering depression just has me pissed off!

[healingme4me]

I am struggling, this week. I may, in a little while, try getting a little extra sleep. See, if the rest, reboosts my get up and go. The same get up and go, that got up and went.
Granted, I'm working through this, it's just certain thoughts nag at me. Lingering, wonderment. Why wouldn't there be? That's just depressing enough. My gd I've seen numerous attorneys, been busting my butt to make an effort at one of the most difficult legal requests....
Felt bloody awful, to realize...
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[SadPam]

Very depressed. Bullying boss was reassigned/demoted after making my life a living hell for months and causing me to go out on leave; while initially thrilled, it now seems his successor is bringing his own assistant which leaves me out of a job. My coworkers haven't even contacted me to say I'm being thought about, including the two I was most friendly with. Had a great interview with another company this past Thursday and was very hopeful; received a "we regret to inform you..." email last night at 9:35pm which made me cry. While I'm currently on a paid "administrative leave", I'm worried sick about a future income and medical benefits. I'm so weary of every aspect of having to have a job.

And dread going over to the DP's family for Christmas Day - his brother's wife and her clique of kids clearly don't care for me and treat me as a leper, others will be happy and I just am not, many of them have retired with nice nest eggs, the younger ones are having babies and buying McMansions, and when someone asks me about my job I'll probably start to sob.

Going to the post office yesterday to send a friend a gift card for Christmas set off a litany of memories of really nice gifts I've given to friends over the years and either received nothing in return, not even a card, or something cheesy with no thought given to it. It's amazing how these memories still hurt after all these years.

Life just hurts, but especially at Christmas.