Very depressed and don't know what to do

I’ve struggled with depression most of my life. I’ve been to therapists and was on Zoloft at one time. I stopped taking it back in 2001 when I was having a problem with my eye. Doctors were trying to determine the cause of the problem and one of the ideas was that it could be medications I was on. A friend of the family suggested that it could be the Zoloft, so that’s where we started. It wasn’t the case….one of the times I listened to her and shouldn’t have. I’ve struggled financially over the years as well. I bought a vacation home in Maryland in 1994. My sister and her husband have a house in the same neighborhood, which is how I found out about the house I bought. It was always a struggle for me to keep up with it. Between over spending and just having a lot happen I was just never able to build my savings back up. My Jeep was totaled not long after buying the house and I took out a home equity loan to help with a new car. I ended up getting a new home equity loan to pay credit cards off, pay the first home equity loan off, and paid my car off. Late 2003 I was starting to have trouble with my Mazda. It wasn’t cooling or heating. I didn’t have the money to get it fixed, so I just waited until spring to get my tax refund. I figured I could get my car fixed and inspected with my tax return. About March 2004 I got my car fixed. May 2004 was when things really started hitting. My car was starting to run hot and I was taking into the garage every few months for it. The garage kept saying it was something different (radiator cap, radiator, thermostat…). I kept pouring more and more money into it. My mother helped out a time or two. In December I took it in and only had it back about a day and a half and it starts running hot again. I took it back and they said it needed a head gasket costing $1,800. I didn’t have the money, so I just took it home and let it sit in the driveway. I started using my mother’s car. My mother’s Alzheimer’s was starting to become obvious as well as having other health issues, so she wasn’t using her car. My feeling was to sell my vacation home. The housing market was still in decent enough shape it probably would have sold fairly quickly. And I knew that with my mother’s condition she would only get worse and wouldn’t be getting down to my vacation home any more (she was only down once that year as it was) and I knew if I got my car fixed I’d only continue to have problems with it. Well, this friend of the family thought I should keep the house and get my car fixed. So that’s what I ended up doing….another big mistake. I continued to have trouble with my car throughout 2005 and my mother continued to get worse and never did go back down to my vacation home. My car ended up catching fire in January 2006 so I had to get a car. So I had car payments, mortgage payments, and a home equity loan in addition to all my bills (house and car insurance, oil, electric, credit cards….). I was also the one taking care of my mother throughout her Alzheimer’s. My brother and sister never bothered to help. The only time we saw my brother was when he needed money and my sister apparently didn’t have time. She only started coming to visit my mother during her last 8 months and that was only because she had been laid off from her job. The friend of the family was the only one to help with my mother. She’s actually my sister’s friend, they went to school together and would come and visit and end up spending the night and eventually moved in with us. With taking care of my mother I was only ever able to get down on Saturdays to mow the grass and come home. Nothing else ever got done. I was never able to get down to enjoy the place. I even asked my sister and her husband if they could help out. They had their house in the same neighborhood, so it wasn’t like they were going out of their way. I figured if they weren’t going to help with my mother, the least they could do was help out a little bit with my house. They only went over once and did a little cleaning and that was the end of that. Finally in 2007 I decided to put my vacation house up for sale. It went on the market in October. I also decided to have my mother’s house put in my name. Since I was living with her (and had her POA) I was able to have the house transferred under Medicaid’s child caretaker exemption rule. My brother and sister agreed to the transfer. It was also a way to keep the house knowing my mother would most likely need to be placed in a nursing home. My vacation home finally sold January 2009. By then I was just so deep in debt trying to take care of two houses. It took a good bit of what I got for my house just to pay everything off. I did use some money as a down payment on a new car. When she died in February 2010 the only thing she had was a checking account. It was a joint account with my name, so it automatically became mine. Well, a month after my mother died my brother starts asking when he can get his money. I was still running over to the lawyer’s office dealing with inheritance tax, not that I had to pay much but it was just a matter of going over what’s been paid, what needed to be paid, etc. He finally tells me he needs $4,500. He needed it for a new riding mower. I told my lawyer that I would give my sister $4,500 as well, but I wanted the rest of the money from the account. I was figuring on using the money to take care of some repairs. She was going to get a letter out to them but my brother and sister both started asking for money. I was trying to hold off giving them money until the letter went out, but the friend of the family ended up getting involved. I was kind of forced into giving my brother more money. I ended up giving him another $1,500 because he was behind on his property taxes. My sister, she said she wasn’t in any hurry for the money, but she just wanted to know how much she’d be getting so she could budget for it. I gave her $6,000 as well when I gave my brother his money. I was just so POed at the two of them for the way they were bugging me and the way they were when I was taking care of my mother (besides the fact nobody wants to listen to me) I told the lawyer I wanted the house. She said I had no legal obligation to give them any money from the house. So it was October 2011 my brother starts bugging me for money from the house. My sister said she eventually wants money from the house too, but she’s willing to wait. My sister and her husband along with this friend of the family were all figuring how to handle getting an appraisal, getting a mortgage, getting an agreement written up for my brother to sign, etc. In the mean time I talked to my lawyer about getting a letter out to them. Well, a letter never did go out to them. I’m in debt again, so I’m not able to get a mortgage on the house anyway. The friend of the family has finally started helping with bills. And the company I work for (for nearly 29 years) has been moving me around from building to building for the last 5 years or so. The building they have me working in now is just horrible. The jerks I have to deal with (to put it very politely), the working conditions (hot in the summer, cold in the winter), the work, just everything about it….I hate it. I’ve been there for more than 2 years now and I just don’t know how much more I can take of it. Between my job, dealing with my family, and being in so much debt….it just all has me so depressed. I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for such a long post, but I just wanted to show what I’ve been dealing with for so many years.

It seems to me that if you were the only one that stepped up to take care of your mother, then you are the one who should profit from the house. Avoiding the unpleasant situation of dealing with a parent that has a serious condition and then appearing with their hands out is extremely rude. If your siblings are doing fine, able to pay their bills, why should you give them money that you need. A new riding mower is nice, but you can't live in it.

If you haven't already, you may want to consider selling the vacation house. On the practical side of things, it is a luxury and if you are up to your ears in bills, not one that you can afford.

Not knowing your siblings, having a sit down with them and pointing out why you are upset at their behavior may be something to think about. It seems rather childish to be trying to get money from you when they know that you are in financial trouble.

Your workplace probably wouldn't bother you so much if you were not dealing with the other issue. Unfortunately, when parents die and there are multiple siblings, often times there are arguments and wounded feelings. They need to understand the problems you are having without it turning into a shouting match. I'm sorry this hit around the holidays. That just makes it seem worse.

Sam2

The vacation was sold in January 2009. But most of the money was used to get out of debt, I did put a down payment on a new car, and I prepaid for my funeral. The rest of the money has been depleted just from expences with the house. It's expensive living in the house I'm in and woud like to get into something smaller, even if it's an appartment. My brother and sister kind of understand and my sister said she's willing to forgo her "share" of the house but at some point I'm still expected to give my brother his "share". It's just a thing where I took care of my mother for 6 long years and I just want to move on with my life....not live with the idea that my brother and sister are going to constantly bug me for money. As far as work goes, how I feel about work has nothing to do with my situation at home. Even if everything was fine at home I'd still feel the same way about the place.

Hi
I really understand you. My mother just died (she was more or less one year sick)and I am going through a similar situation. In addition, I am a severe disabled person (since my 17's) and I learned I have PKD around 8 years ago; my kidneys are 4 times the normal size (the prognosis is not good) during the year of illness of my mom, my brother took great part of her money without us noticing. I thought my mother was going to die later, and that for the last part would need multiple helpers, that is why I spent part of my savings on her first, and then would use hers. A bad decision, but now it is difficult to say, at that moment I did the best I could, I guess. My other sister died 3 years ago, but her children want their share of the house I live with my brother (it was my mom house, i came from overseas to live with her at the end of last year, as she was not feeling well and for other reasons).
I think my brother has a personality disorder but he does not want to get any treatment for it. On top of depleting my mom accounts, he was impossible to live with making my mom's and my lives miserable during all the time she was sick. I started to look for governmental help to have him be treated, but it took a long time to get things in place and when the social worker finally came to visit the house, I believe I was at the hospital with my mom and he did not open the door. Now we (my brother and I) live in the same house and I pay all the bills. Of course he does not want to move out of or sell the house, as he is very comfortable in it. To move away from him I have to sell this house we are living in. It will be a legal fight, I know that at the end of the day I will get very little money from the sale, and I will have to do all the work, perhaps with my nieces and nephew help. My remaining savings are not much. I am not sure what type of house I will be able to get for me after the sale,probably one in a bad neighborhood.
My kidneys still work more or less but they are hurting. I have worked for most of the time of my life but now it is time to stop working. I will get a pension that is not enough for living, I will have to continue doing some work (under the table because here in my country it is not legal to have both, pension and job)
Living with my brother is not nice at all, also I am exhausted because of my disability and the caregiving of my mom, I miss her a lot, I am depressed. In addition, I feel a need of justice because an abled body person like my brother who is not working is living on my expense, it is taking advantage of my disability (I cannot just kick him out).
Sometimes, when I am too overwhelmed, I want to kill myself.
I was in treatment for depression and anxiety for some time in the near past. The treatment was good, I was given the option to end it, as the worst part was gone. I finished the treatment because i was feeling well and because it was very expensive to keep on. (at that time I was leaving overseas, in the US)
I know I should get psychiatric help again but I do not have the strength. It takes a lot of energy to talk about my feeling to people. It is too painful for me. You cannot imagine. But at least I have managed to start caring for myself recently . Unless now I am better at my personal hygiene, diet, etc. I take good information from this website and from folks here. I know it is not enough but it is all I can do for now.
I think of you and please, continue posting

A perfect example to show what really irks me about my family. A little more than a year ago I talked to my family to some extent about my financial situation. They know I need help keeping up. My brother and his wife are struggling too. My sister and her husband are the “rich” ones in the family. They’ve helped my brother and his wife out quite a few times. He is part owner and president of a local business. He retired last year and is in the process of transferring his share to his youngest son. He’s waiting a couple years to collect his Social Security so he can get more. In the mean time they’re living off their savings. They claim that his mother is a millionaire. They went to the shore for a week July of last year, went on a cruise in October of last year, went on a two week trip in February to Florida, took another week long trip to the shore in July, and went to South Carolina in September. And then my sister’s husband with his fancy cars…. He got a Lexus SUV nearly 4 years ago for his every day car. He used to have a Corvette but he traded that in several years ago for a Porsche Boxster. He traded hid Porsche in a year ago for a BMW. BUT….BUT my sister and her husband don’t have the money to help me out. Now here’s what really irks me. My brother and his wife want to go to Florida over Christmas to visit their son and his family. They have been debating over this because they don’t know if they’ll have the money to do it. Well, my sister and her husband decided to give them the money to go down. If they have the money to give my brother and his wife money to go on a trip, why don’t they have the money to help me out with bills?

Hi Jbird,
It is very difficult to guess why. You could ask them directly but you will never know if that was the true answer. Sometimes people do not know all the reasons why they do (or do not do) stuff. Sometimes those reasons are pretty twisted.
I apologize for being too sharp, but I think unless it is important for you to establish a more sincere relationship with them, I would let them go. It is not worthy. For the purpose of your plan to get out of the financial problem you are in, they should be dead to you.
Nobody is to pay you back what you did for your mom. Inheritance legislation does not regulates that I believe, everyone comes to ask for their share when their parents die, even those who never stopped by to say even hello when their parents were sick or needed help. We have seen this thousand of times, and it happens everywhere in the world.
I am not sure if I understood well your previous post, but if the house of your mom is under your name, so the house is yours, just keep the house as yours, sell it if you need , keep the money as you need.

It's OK Clara22. The house IS in my name and I don't plan on giving them ANY money out of it. But they're still going to expect money out of it when I sell it. It will come down to telling them at the time they're not getting any.... The whole thing that irks me the most is, any time my brother asks for money, he gets it. I ask for moeny....I don't get it. To be honest, I want to get away from them so I don't need to deal with them.....I just can't afford to.

In my experience and primary family, the siblings as far as I know never borrowed from one another, or gave handouts. As far as owning property, if it's in your name only, I'd make sure a lawyer will draft any terms of a possible future sale, i.e., family members have no rights or claims.

Better to keep your finances to yourself, and help yourself. Families can get really ugly about money, lending or borrowing.