I'm Perry and I'm new here.

I googled 'hopelessness' and somehow ended up at PychCentral. I joined and here I am. Please excuse any errors in etiquette as I learn this site.

Why did I Google 'hopelessness' you might ask? Because that's what I am. Let me give you the cliff notes version. I am 46 yrs old. I've been married for 20 yrs and have 2 teenage daughters. Last summer my wife told me that in the spring she had 4 one night stands, each with a different guy. I guess 20 yrs of monogamy was enough for her.

Since the summer I voluntarily spent some time in the hospital due to threats of suicide. I said what was expected of me so I could get out of there and back to work. Am I still suicidal? No, not actively. But I still consider it an option, a last resort if you will. On the other hand I do consider myself passively suicidal. As an analogy I'm not, at the moment, in danger of jumping in front of a train. But if I happen to be on the tracks and a train is coming, I'd be hard pressed to find a reason to jump out of the way. In other words, I won't do it myself but I very well might let it happen.

I think that's enough of my pathetic life story for now. I should save some of this saga of a loser for later.

Perry

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A warm welcome to you Perry.

Life can be very hard (aka SUCKY) at times. Glad you are here, I hope you find whatever it is that you need....

Hello Perry, are you still being treated? I hope so.
Are you still with your wife? If so, you need to dump her, because who deserves trash treatment?
Also I hope you have the number to suicide prevention in your phone book. I admit, I have it in mine for "just in case"
Anyway, here is a cyber hug to tie you over. HUG!
Cat

I know you are hurting. Who wouldn't be after such a shock. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can stay on top of your depression. I assume since you were in the hospital they got you set up with a Therapist to help you through this.

Glad you came to PC. It's a great place to plant your thoughts and get support.

Perryc, I know what you mean about passive suicide. For years I would put myself in stupid situations that could have caused harm, please get help if you aren't now. I waited so long that the thoughts started intruding in my everyday life and things do not get better on their own. I found several sites when I typed "help" in google I was drowning at the time and couldn't think of what else to type. Hang in there, this is a great community.

I don't think your a loser .. it took guts to look for help. You will find some here. Welcome to the club. We care about each other here.

I often wish I had an "Easy" button to press that would make it as if I was never born. That way no one would miss me and it would be painless for all.

Hi and welcome perryc. I feel for you too. I have a husband I'm seperated from recently and have been with him almost 20 years, and he decided to start cheating the last 3, and became abusive. So I know the pain of finding that out. I've been depressed most of my life and getting darn sick of it. I hope you hang in there, and find lots of help here.

You've come to the right place. I've been here for a couple of months now and have found it very helpful. Keep posting. It gets easier the more you post. And I've found helping others here is very therapeutic as well.

Hi Perry. I am new here too. I went through finding out my father's son lived a double life with another woman for years. That was years ago, when I found out, I thought my soul died. It does get better. I promise. I am here because I still suffer from anxiety, depression, lupus, etc. I hope to find understanding and perhaps advice. Hang in there.

Thanks for you're response. Yes I am still with my wife but only because no one else will have me. Not much demand for 46 yr old guys with bad knees and who's had his home foreclosed on, you know. No demand at all, actually.

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I have come to the conclusion that my wife was right to cheat. She was only doing what every other woman in my life has done.

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I'm sorry you're hurting so much.. It was not right for her to cheat.. I hope you realize you are valuable even if you think you aren't. I know what its like to feel like nobody else would want you. Its so hard to see self worth when we are so depressed and been mistreated.

Me? Valuable? You are mistaken. And what is this 'self worth' thing you speak of? It sounds like a foreign concept.

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Hi Perry, welcome to PC!

I guess the depression in us tells us that "we're not worth it." But somewhere in there is a small flower trying to bloom.. telling us that we do have self-worth. We do have our own identity.. beneath the labels and our struggles with such an illness.

Hope you're doing fine and getting the treatment you need. And hoping that you'll find the right support here.

Hi Perryc
Sure I cannot imagine how painful this is for you, you have all my sympathy. Hope my comment is not harsh or sharp, or insensitive: Even you were unworthy, her cheating is about her and her attitude. It is wrong to cheat. And, to me, reasons for cheating go beyond the other (deserving or non-deserving) partner/spouse. It is about the cheater, her/his inner world, her/his representation of her/himself, her/his self-esteem, her/his infancy, parents, family story, sexual drives, etc.
The cheated one is just a factor among others.
Her cheating is the wrong virtual knife to stab yourself in your heart, to tell yourself: I deserve this, I am worthless, 100 times. Because you may have been one of the 100 causes she had for cheating.
On the other hand, you seem to be somebody with a sensitive soul, I think you are worthy. Hope you continue posting

Clara, if only I could transfer your belief in my worthiness to my inner thoughts of myself.

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