[WillowWolf]

Why is it so hard to kill myself. I hate being alive and my life keeps getting worse and worse. Good things never happen to me and I have no friends (don't ask to be my friend because we won't be able to become real friends). I seriously wish I would just die because I'm sick and tired of living this crappy life. I'm not good any anything, I have no skills, not talents whatsoever. I can't do anything useful in life.

Before anyone gives me a speech about how plenty of people have it worse off then me, don't. I'm well aware of that but that still doesn't stop my life from sucking and me wanting to die. Please don't give me the speech about how things will get better either, I've heard that too many times to care.

I just find it so hard to kill myself, I just lack the courage to do it. I wish my life would just end once and for all.

[Rohag]

Hello WillowWolf/Tobe.

Originally Posted by WillowWolf

Why is it so hard to kill myself. I hate being alive...

My guess is that, as a human, you have a survival instinct you can't just turn off. It's not a matter of cowardice or courage.

Others have used you badly. You've had no chance to discover or develop useful skills or talents. Do you have any force of will left to work toward self-discovery?

[gayleggg]

What can we do to help? You seem to have already shuned all the usual replies. Is there anything you need other than for us to listen? If there is anything I can do you can always PM me. I have to agree with Rohag that you have the survival instinct, I understand that because that is the only reason I'm still here.

[Punto Bobo]

All I can see is that you're in Petaluma with no inspiration. Whether you're an old man or a teenaged girl -- you're on the planet for a reason. I hope you're in counseling. What I just flashed on was helping at the animal shelter. Some small situation where someone needs YOU! Even animals have jobs and feel bad when, for example, a business closes or they are left with no purpose. How many cats hang out in book shops and antique stores? Dogs guard their families. You're a person with a brain and arms and legs. There are wheelchairs to be pushed, phones to be answered.

In 1972 I worked at Chevron Oil in San Francisco. A co-worker was named Nina. Nina had a little son and a hunky husband. One word would make her absolutely blossom into a grin: PETALUMA! She was taking a long bus ride before and after work to help buy the house. She read lots of paperbacks on the bus. She would come in Mondays with a deeper tan, having worked in the yard. . . Petaluma was her whole dream -- owning a home, loving that husband, raising that little guy. I wish you just a bit of a dream to get you going! We care!

[kittlies]

I hear ya! no matter what I do to myself I always wake up the same old me… maybe I am dead, and every time I die I just have to start over where I left off… maybe this is purgatory… either that, or I'm invincible, lol

[Idiot17]

(((((willowwolf)))))

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by WillowWolf

Why is it so hard to kill myself. I hate being alive and my life keeps getting worse and worse. Good things never happen to me and I have no friends (don't ask to be my friend because we won't be able to become real friends). I seriously wish I would just die because I'm sick and tired of living this crappy life. I'm not good any anything, I have no skills, not talents whatsoever. I can't do anything useful in life.

Before anyone gives me a speech about how plenty of people have it worse off then me, don't. I'm well aware of that but that still doesn't stop my life from sucking and me wanting to die. Please don't give me the speech about how things will get better either, I've heard that too many times to care.

I just find it so hard to kill myself, I just lack the courage to do it. I wish my life would just end once and for all.

I know everyone says this, and you probably have heard it before, but... it DOES get better. I've been in your shoes for the most part and I tried to die. Yeah at the time I thought I shouldn't be alive. But IT DID GET BETTER!! A lot better! Just give it a while, push through it. I know you can. Real strength is resisting the urge. Be strong and have faith that things DO get better

[TheImpossibleGirl]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in such a rough place. I'm not going to try to make you feel better or talk you out of it, because it sounds like you can see through BS pretty well by now. I'm not going to ask to be your friend, because you told me not to. That's fine, but I will ask for you to let me help you.

I won't try to make you feel better, but I do want to make you think. So think about this. You don't know the future. You might think you know the future. Maybe your whole life has been the same and miserable until now and you think the future will be the same. But guess what? You have no clue. You don't have a time machine or a crystal ball. You have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or a year from now, or 10 years from now. Not just in your own life, but in the lives of the people around you. In the whole world. There's a lot of history to be made and to be seen. Maybe you could be a part of it, maybe on purpose or maybe on accident. Maybe if you weren't here things would turn out differently. Maybe they would turn out worse.

You're probably thinking you don't affect the world, you're not important, you don't make a difference. Says who? Says you? You're not in charge of the world. You don't get to decide who matters and who doesn't. Have you ever been to a restaurant and tipped a waitress? Maybe that tip gave her just enough money to pay her rent and prevent her from being kicked out on the street. Have you ever smiled at someone or waved at them as you walked past? Maybe that person felt then like you feel now and that smile saved their life. Have you ever dumped your change in a donation bin? When they say every penny counts, they mean it.

I want you to think, and think deeply, about how you being here affects the world. I know it's really hard to see it sometimes, but it's there. Every time you interact with someone, you create a connection, a thread if you will, to them. By this point in your life, you have created thousands of threads, with each person you have ever known. Ending your life would sever those threads and create a ripple effect right down the line of anyone who ever knew you.

I know you're a stranger, and you don't know me, but guess what? You've now interacted with me. That means we have a connection, a thread connecting our lives somehow. If you had never posted here, we would have never interacted, I would have never written this ridiculously long post. My night would have gone differently. Would it have been better? Or worse? Who knows. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you have affected my life. Think about that. Think about every person you've ever interacted with, ever. You've affected their lives. They've all learned from you, each in their own way.

My suggestion? Volunteer. You have no excuse not to. You can pick anything. Read to children, help sort books at the library, go to the humane society and walk dogs, rake leaves for the elderly, the list goes on and on. You do not need any special skills or talents in order to volunteer. It's not a big commitment. It takes a little bit of effort to get started, but hey, starting is the hardest part. You are a strong person, just look at everything you've been through. Instead of wasting your life with suicide, use your life as a tool, as a resource, to bring some good to the world. We could all use a little more good in the world.