[Faith.hope.love]

Where to start...since last January I have lost 7 close family members. I am 17 and the youngest in the family but through every death I have felt that I need to be the strong one that pulls everyone through. As a result of this I am only getting to start to deal with it all and think about it once everyone else is back to normal, or as normal as can be. I seem to crash every single time but I hide it from everyone around me...with every death I crash harder every time! From the death of my uncle last January I started to have suicidal ideation...I never ever plan to take my own life because I know that is never the answer but no matter how hard I try to get rid of this from my head it gets worse and worse!! Before Christmas I hit complete rock bottom and I stopped eating for over a week and my family and friends started to get worried and contacted my teacher who I would be very close to, and they all realised I hadn't been eating...I then talked to my teacher about all the deaths and talked for hours upon hours about it all. At the time, I left school over Christmas thinking everything was sorted and the suicidal ideation would leave me shortly but it was not long till I hit another low point but this time without reasons! Almost two months later I talked to my teacher again this week and told her that I still wasn't happy and back to myself and she said she guessed before Christmas that it wasn't as simple as we all thought and that maybe there might be something else going on...I told her I didn't want it all going through school as it made things a lot worse before Christmas when my family and principal etc got involved, which means that I can't tell her about the suicidal ideation even though she has basically guessed that that is what is wrong...she gave me the number of Lifeline so that I could ring and get their advice on what to do next as I think I might have depression which is what is leading to the suicidal ideation. I have tried for the past year to sort it out myself but it has been getting increasingly worse!! I am scared because I don't know what my brain is going to try and get me to do next but I know that it is time to try and get help somehow because I have realised that even though I have been able to control it myself it is still getting worse and not going away! I don't know what steps to take next...I am scared to tell my family as they will not know what to think about me, they will be ashamed and angry at me! I want to tell my teacher but I can't do that without it getting reported and then getting back to my parents and if I go to the doctors behind my parents back they will be upset when they eventually find out that I felt they couldn't help! This is why I'm stuck...I just feel so hopeless, lost and weak! I hate it!! I am used to being the strong one and I just can't cope being the weak one anymore! I know that suicide isn't the right answer and will only make things worse for my family and friends left behind even if it helps me but I just can't get rid of the feelings! What can I do now?! :/ xox

[Curupira]

I am sorryyou are going through this. Maybe you should talk to you doctor. I know you don't want to upset your family, but talking to your doctor may help you come up with a strategy to break the news to your family.

[gayleggg]

Yes, I agree, talk to your doctor. There is help. Reach out to either a therapist or doctor as soon as you can. You might find more help in the Depression Forum as well.

[Faith.hope.love]

I know I just don't know what to do! It has went on so long that I am almost scared for it to go away even though I obviously want it to! My only plan this past year was to try and tell my teacher miss Waugh who I'm extremely close to but I'm not sure anymore...she basically knows but i don't know what my best way to get help is? Is it to go straight to my doctor? Or to tell my teacher first, cause she is the only one that has every been able to help me and even by just talking to her this week in general has helped me! But then it has to go through school and family so i don't know what my best route for help is?! I rang lifeline last night but it didn't really help very much, talking to my teacher helped more!