[Davik]

My memories feel shameful. My sense of self feels discontent, and unwanted. I often feel more satisfied in thinking that if I was someone else I could have better qualities, and personality than the person I am now. I always get lost in my internal thoughts. I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally tired of life. I have poor self esteem, and sometimes have little interest in eating food. Nowadays, I feel empty, void of meaning, and disconnected. It's almost as if I am a walking contradiction to the vitality of life. Everything takes an emotional effort for me. Even thinking general things takes a genuine effort, and if I don't take the effort I quickly feel down and flooded with negative thoughts. I have been silent about my real feelings for over 4 years. I have been coping generally well for a very long time, but inside i feel like the most contradicted, hypocritical, ugly mess. It is extremely difficult to even express myself because I am afraid that my family and friends will genuinely avoid me and think that I am either lying to myself, or that I am a freak. I want to speak to a therapist/psychiatrist, but If I do I feel like I am going to be wordless, and vague the entire time.

Just had to post this, because this is the first time I have ever expressed myself in public, and felt that it is best to share and listen to feedbacks. Thanks