Decade of Depression

A quarter of my life is over (assuming I live to be a hundred). Would it be healthier to think of it as “three quarters of my life are still ahead of me”? Like the glass is half full. Well, I’ve always said that it depends on the circumstances. Did you pour the liquid into the glass, or did you drink it? Given that the last ten years have been a constant fight for my sanity and my life I’m going to go with the glass being half spilt all over the floor.

What’s left after a decade of depression? How am I supposed to get out of bed anymore? Every day I’ve told myself, “it’s going to get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but some day it’s going to get better.” Now today I look back and I look ahead, adding it all up, and I wonder if it’s worth it any more? What if, contrary to what everyone says, contrary to what I’ve been trying to convince myself of all this time, what if it never actually does get better? What if this is my life? From now and forever I will feel this way. And the longer it lasts the fewer coping mechanisms I have to relay on. One day they’ll run out.

No one ever says it, but depression is a potentially fatal disease. I am mortally ill.

I empathize. I've suffered from major depression for 24 years, maybe longer. Because you believe you will live to 100 I know you will be able to ride the wave of this disease. Yes, you may fall off the surfboard on occasion, but you have your life preserver full of tools you've picked along the way to help you float to the surface and get back on the board. You'll continuously pick up new and promising tools along the way so that you will have an endless buffet of options. I've been where you are, the"will I ever have a few moments of peace and happiness before I have to start the struggle again". As you know, it doesn't go away, we just learn new and effective ways to manage the disease. I believe that in spite of all the meds available, all the therapy options, all the books and magazines, it is our responsibility to manage our own disease for we are the ones who know best it's particular nooks and crannies. Keep writing even if you don't send the post. I have learned so much by going back to my old journals. Keep us posted.

I know what you mean, I have run out of hope and ways to cope. I spent so long at the end of the rope that I don't even know when I fell off.

Don't look back as a negative thing. Look back and see that you've been through all that so far, and you've made it, and it can still get better. Some days will always be harder than others. I've suffered from depression for over 20 years - does it ever really go away? I'm not sure. But I'm still here, still fighting it, and you will overcome it.

The most important thing is you're STILL HERE. And that really does mean something.