[bushwackback]

Hi all,

This is a repost of my original story I shared in the intro section. It was about two weeks ago, and I have made some progress since then, which I will share. I think I should post the background here first though:

Hi all. Thanks for reading and supporting each other.

I joined this forum because I recently discovered another forum and have gotten a lot of support and accountability from it. But that one doesn't have to do with depression directly like this one. Since depression has been a problem for me for more than half my life, and because I write on the subject and want to beat it, I think I need to be here.

I want to help others overcome it. I'm seeking the opportunity to do that even more than getting others to comfort me right now. I think that is a good step for me and will help me beat it in the end. I love reading stories on here of people who are making it happen. It's hard work, but possible.

Let me start with the present....

I spent the last 5 years fearing that my neuroses and depressive issues would destroy my marriage and drive my wife away. Or kill me. Or render me useless. I feared this so much so that I think dwelling on those fears brought them to fruition. Now, I am technically homeless, and have been kicked out of my home. My wife tried to support me for so many years, but me and my depression has just sucked in so many of our resources and caused us to stall out. It came to the point where she said that I had to move out, or she would. I didn't think it was fair to call her out on that and make her move. At one time I had doubts she would do it, but not anymore. I discovered the divorce papers she filed on new year's eve. I'm just waiting for someone to "serve" them to me.


I don't think she is the type of person who will try to squeeze everything out of me. Actually, my job is not sufficient for us and so I don't have much to take. But now I have to start so many things over. What's worse is that we have a son together. At the time we decided to have a child, there looked like there was some improvement and momentum I was getting in life again. There was more reason to hope, but it didn't continue and I stalled again.

In my past...
I began suffering from depression just before the teenage years began and school was kind of, hell. Since age 13 I have taken over half a dozen different medications, on and off (but mostly on), and they have had barely marginal benefit. I think that my depression ("dysthymia" as it's been called, while last year they just updated it to "persistent depressive disorder"), has often been a defense mechanism against anxiety and anger that I haven't been able to process or accept, so I have just turned it inward for most of my life. Now I have no ability to stop it.

My mother and many on that side of the family struggled with depression. That's no mystery. But I feel SO GUILTY for sucking my wife into this and I feel like a black hole that just absorbs everything into it eventually. This black hole feels like it lives inside my chest and causes my hopes, dreams, ambitions, and even those of the people around me to collapse in on themselves. I don't want to torture my wife anymore and I don't want to pass this crap on to my son.

I thought I was getting better.
I thought that she and I would conquer this stuff together--that we would overcome the legacy we had been given by our parents.
I thought that she loved me more and wouldn't be defeated by this depression.
I thought that my best intentions would accomplish more.
I thought God would help me and bring me out into the light.
I thought, I thought, I thought....

I won't even get into the suicidal stuff now. But let's just say that I have "seen" my own demise in my mind's eye so many times that it doesn't scare me at all, like it should. I just can't entertain that stuff because I can't bear to do something so violent and cruel to my wife and son.

For my future...
I have to beat this thing down. I have to find a way to overcome this. I would like to win and earn my family back, but even if that is not possible or never happens (because it doesn't look good now), I have to live with myself. I don't want to live with some force within me that cripples and crushes me and drives everyone away from me.

My father has been supporting me. He talked about recovering from his divorce and going through a redemption process. That helped me see that it really is hard and is the path that lay before me, but it also helped me see the image of what my recovery will look like. A redemption from my past and from my own ***** thinking.

I am so sad now. I am lonely. I am scared. I am guilty. But I am not hopeless and I am not helpless. I have to remember that. I have been starting every day reading my affirmations and reading my intentions and trying to center myself from the start. Because the start of my day is when I have the closest thing to control. The rest of the day I may be beaten down and kicked in the head, but the first part of the day is my choice as to how I will face it. For years I woke up gritting my teeth afraid to face the day. I can't afford that anymore.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by bushwackback

He [Father] talked about recovering from his divorce and going through a redemption process. ...it also helped me see the image of what my recovery will look like. A redemption from my past and from my own ***** thinking.

It's wonderful you have a recovery "model" near at hand in your father. Recovery as redemption from the past and from defective (?) thinking -- may this work for you.

[Clara22]

Thanks for sharing all this. Please, keep posting to learn from your experience

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

It's wonderful you have a recovery "model" near at hand in your father. Recovery as redemption from the past and from defective (?) thinking -- may this work for you.

[bushwackback]

I'm so down today. I feel set back. Woke up from nightmares. All day nagging from inside my head that this is the best it will ever get. Fighting so hard all day. My pain in my back and neck make me feel like I'm slowly getting crushed.

I'm in a dark place today. And I'm quite alone.

[bushwackback]

Valentine's Day.

Ugh....

[Idiot17]

(((((bushwackback))))))

[bushwackback]

I had a good old fashions panic attack today. Knowing I couldn't die, but wondering if I would pass out because I couldn't get breathing under control, I cursed at myself in the mirror, shouted at the universe, let the tears go a bit, then said "ok you have to go to work so you need to stop being crazy now." It took awhile to really cut it off but it ended.

:-( well, I'm a bit stronger now I think.