[MLH2014]

So I am new here and I have never done this before. I have been looking for some sort of help online for hours now and this was the closest I could find so hopefully I'm doing this right.. I have severe depression and I hate it. I don't even know why I am depressed.. I have everything I could ask for.. A husband, three beautiful children and a nice home..I'm a stay at home mom, I go to church every week and even lead our worship team. I am at a complete stand still though.. I feel like I am a horrible person at all times and that I am horrible at everything. I feel as though people around me don't truly care and feel like I have nobody to talk to including my husband. He tries to understand the best that he can but it is impossible for him to understand because he has never felt this way before and I feel like I am just dragging him down and annoying him at all times. It's coming to the point where I want to divorce him everyday just so I can stop dragging him down.I don't want to feel this way at all. All I want is to know that I am not a horrible person and that I'm not dragging him down. He tells me that I'm not but when I am just upset constantly and he is happy he deserves somebody who is happy. As for my church..I am extremely involved.. worship team and all. I truly believe in God but I always feel like I'm not good enough in that aspect either. I feel like I don't deserve to be up there leading a bunch of people when I feel this way about myself.. I feel like somebody who is happy and confident should be up there. I keep wanting to quit so that I don't constantly feel like a let down in this aspect but I don't know how to quit. Just so you all know a little background on my life.. Growing up my mom was on drugs and my dad drank.. They both fought the worse I could ever imagine.. Called each other names I thought I would never hear from somebodys mouth.. They did things that were horrible to each other and my entire family is either drug addicts or alcoholics. I am the odd one out who has never done drugs.. I have drank some but not like that. Anyways.. I got pregnant at 15 and had the baby at 16.. Father left us and I decided to change my life around because I was a huge mess(and obviously still am) but I had her and did my best that I could and I feel like I did amazing as a mother especially with how young I was. I still am so young.. I am only twenty one years old and I am married with three kids. My husband is the bio father of my two boys and adopted our girl that I had with somebody else when I was 16 so he is legally the father of all three.. Anyways.. We don't have a perfect marriage.. Nobody does but we have both done some things that have been HORRIBLE to each other and I can't get past a lot of them. To be COMPLETELY honest.. We fought all the time. I was always mad about him for something and was mean and he called me names..I lied to him so much back then and continue to struggle with lying to "make people feel better" He has called me some awful names and each and every one crosses my mind every day when I see him. We got into a huge fight once that led him to throw rocks at me and my friend was over and she ran after him and jumped on him because of what he did and he pushed her down causing her to break her wrist then I ran up the hill after him not knowing he had just broken her wrist I was trying to get him to calm down and talk to him and he smacked me across the face.. Needless to say he went to jail that night and got out and we decided that we were going to be better than that because we are better than that. Well it was better for such a short time.. we moved out of that place and things were going great but then we started fighting all the time again.. Saying the meanest things and one day we got into a fight and I did something completely wrong and told him that I was going to try to take the kids away from him just because I could and I shouldn't have done that at all and I was so angry with the fight that I said that and I shouldn't have but anyways after that he snapped and choked me and wouldn't let go..I was pregnant with our third son at the time and anyways... Things got better. For a little bit. We started fighting again and I felt so alone all the time like I was a huge let down to him.. We started hanging out with his friend and his friend and I ended up being alone and I KNEW I shouldn't have talked to him about our issues but I needed somebody to talk to and I didn't want to talk to my parents because they pretend like their past never happened when they talk to me and so I talked to his friend and we ended up kissing that night. so I cheated on the love of my life.. I am the worse person for that because that was my life long promise.. I took vows and I broke them. I can never let go of that night with his friend because it felt so wrong and so right at the same time. I hate that I did that to my husband. but I so badly want my husband to care like he said he did. I so badly want my husband to just take the time with me and treat me like I'm his princess.. I in no way want to be with my husbands friend but it felt so "not alone" knowing that he "wanted" to be there and that he would message me just to see if I was ok..If he was at work everything would be dropped for me and I didn't even ask. The sad part is that I HATE that. I don't want him to do that for me. I want that from my husband. He makes all the money and I appreciate him for that so much(even though I suck at showing it I really do appreciate it) but I feel like work will always be put first. I am really suffering here.. I feel more and more hopeless every day and I NEED him to be here. I do not contact him every day all through the day depressed or anything but I have my times where I just need somebody. and today is one of those times.. I feel alone and he is not able to talk and I just really need that. I feel like by me staying here that I drag him down so much because he wants to be this successful happy person and I want that so bad but I am not in that point of my life right now and he is..He seems so happy all the time and like he knows what is going on and that makes me feel like he should be with somebody at the same level as that so he doesn't have to "deal" with me... . right now I'm damn struggling and it literally hurts my heart..I want somebody who doesn't consider it "dealing" with me...I want somebody who loves being with me no matter how the time is spent and would spend hours just holding me letting me cry if I needed to telling me it's all going to be okay. I have only said bad stuff about our marriage so far and I know the things we have donw sound so horrible but he has done some amazing things too.. He has taken me to the dock when we first met and danced with me in front of everybody outside at night..He has worked so hard for our family and held us together in times we were falling a part.. He has surprised me with stuff a lot..Done huge candle light dinners for me, etc. and all of that on both ends have seemed to fade. I was never good at doing these "huge" things for him that were super romantic but I tried and I feel like I am not good enough for moments like that anymore.. I feel like he feels it's a waste of his time now. That I am not worthy of flowers, or a candle light dinner..Or a night in a hotel where he finds the babysitter.. I hate asking my parents to watch the kids because they just make me feel bad about it when I ask them and list all the difficulties in watching children and so I just want to have a night out and not have to worry about finding a sitter..Just where he takes care of it all.. And maybe I should be the one doing it..I'm not doing anything either...I just feel hopeless and I feel like I am not at a point in life right now where I am strong enough to make the first move. I try and it comes across as failure.. The times I am trying the hardest are the times when I get so angry with him or so depressed. I just hate feeling like all I am is a burden and he tells me all the time how much he loves me and how I am not a burden but how do I believe that when If I cry or if I am in a horrrrrrible depressed mood like today he gets annoyed with me and angry that I feel the things I do towards myself. I have been super super horrible to him in the past too by the way... I have lied about things I should not have lied about.. I have said awful things to him and pressured him into having sex with me when we first met even though he wanted to wait until marriage.. I feel awful for that and always will.. I talked to guys I used to date and 'fool around" with even after we were married..(Never cheated or anything life that) but just general talked to them and I shouldnt have been.. I have my share of things I have done too so I am sure he feels hurt too and I am just at a huge stand still.. I feel like I am horrible mother because of all of my stupid feelings and that my kids aren't getting the best that they could be.. They are fed..Bathed..generally happy and silly kids and we do our best around them and with them.. We generally car e about our kids and they are with us every day(Not watched all the time or anything) but I feel like they are being let down and deserve better. I know everybody makes mistakes so please don't judge ours..We have both had horrible home lives growing up and both make and have made huge mistakes in life.. but I need help now. I feel hopeless and lost and alone and I don't know how to stop feeling that way and turn my life around and be better.. Nobody in my life except my husband knows I feel this way because I don't want to air my problems to everybody in life.. Even though that is what I am doing now I feel like I had to talk to somebody so I decided to do it anonymously through here so I wouldn't be judged and so that I would not have to air my problems to the people I know and love... My passion that I feel on my heart is singing by the way... Like I said before I lead worship at our church and it's my passion but I can't even do that.. Every time I do it I feel like I suck and like I am not good enough for this and like I don't deserve to be up there.. My feelings are getting in the way of everything I love and I don't know how to stop them..All I know is I need help and if I can't get my husband to talk to me during this horrible time because he is at work...then I need your help..Strangers.. So please give me some advice. Because I am all burnt out and feel like I can't make it like this anymore... I feel like I HAVE to do something or I am just going to always feel alone... What I need to do, I have no idea but I need to know where to start. I am generally a good person.. So is my husband.. we have just struggled. I also want you to know I have never..Not ever, not EVER typed out my feelings like this or shared this much information on my feeling with ANYBODY.. Not even my husband because I don't want to be a burden on him even more so than I already am. I in no way ever want to leave my husband even though sometimes in this it seems like I want to..He is my partner and I love him beyond what words can describe..I'm just not sure how to deal with the ways that I feel.. So anyways...Yeah. I don't know if anybody will take the time to read this but if you have... thank you. Why do I feel so alone and not good enough all the time even though I try so hard to feel happy?

[paynful]

Wow. You have had a very trying time in life. However, it sounds like you are making the best of it... for you and your family. Good for you!

All the feelings you described can be directly related to severe depression. I understand you feel like a burden to the people you love, and don't want to add to it. I have struggled with the same.

That is when seeing a therapist is the best option. Getting help from an objective professional is a great back board to bounce these feelings off, and to receive genuine and insightful feed back. Please, don't think of it as "airing your dirty laundry." It is not a weakness to ask for help. It takes courage.

It, also, sounds like you could benefit from couples/marriage couseling. But could get some very useful advice by posting the same thread on the "relationship" forum.

You need support. Feel proud of yourself that you can recognize that. Most people aren't self-aware enough to get to that point... in fact, that is when they would turn to substance abuse.

I'm so glad that you have your faith to help you through. Try to remember that you are human. It is okay, and even, expected that you can make mistakes. Let the "mistakes/trials" become your lessons. You are stronger now before you went through your struggles, because you have survived. Let your weakness become your strengths.

I hope you get the support and help you deserve. Believe in yourself. You are deserving.

Wow.
I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

BUT....You are with an abusive man. He hit you, choked you, threw rocks at you. He also attacked your friend causing physical damage to her. I am sure there is more that you're not saying.
And all I hear is you defending him in every other sentence.

I'm sorry, but this isn't good.

Having depression doesn't mean that you have to put up with abuse simply because you feel lucky enough to have someone by your side.

Please keep posting. Let it out. Perhaps it will help you to see things more clearly and prioritize your life.

Thank you for sharing.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, MLH2014.

I don't even know why I am depressed.. I have everything I could ask for. ...Why do I feel so alone and not good enough all the time even though I try so hard to feel happy?

One of the unfortunate aspects of depression is that it needs no obvious reasons. Sure, it can emerge as a reaction to an event or series of events, but it involves deeper – and disputed – mechanisms.

All I want is to know that I am not a horrible person...

Depression undermines one's ability to feel the knowledge of personal worthiness. In some people it destroys the ability to feel, period.

In your case, as you reveal it in your post, it's possible to point to a number of things that cumulatively may have eroded your personal resistance to depression:

• Mother addicted to drugs
• Father a drinker; abandoned family while an adolescent
• Had a child at 16
• Survivor of domestic violence
• Loneliness, emotional isolation within marriage

At some point the stresses of all that and more may have opened cracks in which depression could take root and take on a life of its own regardless of positive things going on in your life.

Make yourself at home here. Read and learn about depression and mental illness. Compare your experience with that of other posters – but be careful of thinking your depression is any less justified. It's not a matter of justification; it's an illness.

My passion that I feel on my heart is singing...

As much as possible, keep that passion alive. You are not a hypocrite for feeling the way you do.

[live2ski66]

WOW, that is a lot going on. First and foremost, you are worthy, you are smart, you are a great contributor to the many good things you participate. Here we are great at giving support, but we are not doctors. As members of this community we have our own daemons to fight.

That said, we do want to help you but first you need to see a professional therapist and/or psychiatrist. It is kind of scary going the first time, I refused for a long time, but in the end it was the best thing I did for myself. In my case the doc gave me meds, which is different than doing drugs. Of course you can OD with psych meds, but you can OD with water.

I would start making a list of all the little and big things that bother you. This will help both you and the therapist stay on course. I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a therapist office and went blank, couldn't remember why I was there, I was too afraid and anxious.

Hang in there. If you need support getting started with a therapist, or finding one, we may be able to help. You'll notice after a few sessions you won't feel so in the middle of the muck. You'll begin to step back and look at the issues with a pair of eyes ready to help you.

Good luck and stay in touch.

PS, if you are at the very end of the rope you can always go to the ER and they will help you.

[waggiedog]

Hello and welcome to PC. Thanks for taking the time to explain to us your situation - and what a situation you are trying hard to deal with. Many would have buckled under the strain long ago. In NO WAY are you a bad person, infact you are clearly the best person you could possibily be under the dreadful circumstances. I can't better anything that anybody has already said here, it's all very good sound advice. I'm sure you WILL find support here and even make a few friends along the way. GOOD LUCK! HUGZZ x

[Nammu]

MHL

You didn't say if you are in therapy. I think it would help a lot to have a outside supportive person who will listen to you. A good place to start would be the national domestic abuse hotline. They can help you find out what is in your area.
Many places have free groups for this issue and just having a place where you can talk freely and get support and connected to resources in your area would be a great start.
Dealing with the domestic violence in my own life helped both my anxiety and depression, it did not solve them but it helped considerably. Some places also have groups for the children to help stop the cycle. My daughter liked those groups and liked knowing she was not alone or different and could talk about her feelings without getting judged. She is 30 now and in a 5 year relationship.
I hope you keep posting here there's a lot of good people here who can be supportive too.

[winter4me]

From your description of your current situation, your feelings make sense.
As others have suggested, counseling, individual, and marital would be wise.
You need someone to talk to just for yourself, and you and your husband need help problem solving.
I would suggest he consider working with a therapist on coping with stress without resorting to violence. You and your husband may be repeating scenes from your own childhood's.
It is especially difficult when things "seem" good (on the surface, going to church, being part of a community etc., doing the "right" things) but are not at all good, or healthy for yourself or your children.
It may be a relief for both of you to talk-----he has been abusive and, if he is a good person, he cannot feel very good about himself when he thinks about it... And, it seems, somehow you are managing to blame everything on yourself, that is a heavy burden, and it does not all belong to you.
Talk to us any time. Let it out...and begin to reach out in your community at home as you are able/ready.
Please, do not tolerate the physical abuse.

[Alone & confused]

I'm glad you found PC. There are several people here with similar problem who can relate to you. I'm sorry for what you're going through! Having some problems myself with depression right now or I'd be able to chat longer with you! I'm here if you need me though.

[MLH2014]

Hello... I was seriously in tears reading your posts.. I didn't realize how many people felt the same way or went through the same things.. I forgot to add that all the situations up there are past situations...From about a year ago. Just still really hurt..I think after hearing what you all had to say I am finally going to make the scary step to see a counselor.. How would I go about doing that with no insurance if you know? You all really helped me feel better.. Thank you.

[Nammu]

That's a huge step.

You can try the 211 info number to get a list of local resources.

The national domestic violence number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

You can also goggle 211 or the hotline if cold calling is too scary and read about them first.

If you feeling comfortable enough you can also talk to your minister about where to find help.

Best of luck. Let us know how it goes, it can get frustrating and sometimes might take a while but hang in there, it is worth it. You are worth it.

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC. Of course you are welcome to post all you want in the depression forum but I would highly suggest you also check out the adult children of alcoholics forum.
Adult Children of Alcoholics - Forums at Psych Central
Also have you ever heard of Alanon. I myself am a recovering alcoholic who had a father and grandfather who were alcoholics. I went to AA and Alanon for years. It saved my life. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen the sibling who does not drink and use get into an abusive relationship, usually with an alcoholic. It is very common.
It took alot of courage for you to post all that and you did right to reach out here.

[paynful]

First, I want to say how glad I am that you found some comfort here! People care very much. We all aren't professionals, but some times it does help to have people to talk to who can truly relate. Use it!

Secondly, from your last post...

"I am finally going to make the scary step to see a counselor.. How would I go about doing that with no insurance if you know?"

It depends on which state you live in, but there are free programs or assistance programs available. Not knowing the specifics of your location... the easiest/most direct route, would be asking your primary care physician for a recommendation and what local programs are available.

My health care provider not only made several helpful suggestions, they gave me a list of therapist in my surrounding area, helped me (really they filled it out for me) file the paper work to apply for the programs, and gave me, at least, 3 different suggestions on self-care that I never even considered.

I truly wish you the best. I'm sure other PC members will have more specific suggestions, but I hope this helps you get started.

[winter4me]

If you have no insurance, call the nearest Community Mental Health Clinic to find out what you need to do. (or, if an emergency, to the ER)
Also, many counselors do a sliding scale, and the first consult is generally free.
You might want to check into insurance, depending on income you might do well, and it covers mental health too. Also, could check into Medicaid. I'm sure others will have more tips. Best to you!!!

Originally Posted by MLH2014

Hello... I was seriously in tears reading your posts.. I didn't realize how many people felt the same way or went through the same things.. I forgot to add that all the situations up there are past situations...From about a year ago. Just still really hurt..I think after hearing what you all had to say I am finally going to make the scary step to see a counselor.. How would I go about doing that with no insurance if you know? You all really helped me feel better.. Thank you.

Perhaps this would help you.

DSHS - Mental Health Services and Information

And I would like very much to know how it goes...

[TheOriginalMe]

Your story has really moved me. I don't have much to add, because you've already had good advice. I can totally understand that even though your husband is violent you have invested too much in your life together to let him go. You must try and get him to an anger management program otherwise you'll never break the cycle of abuse. Be brave and keep strong.