To medicate or not? HELP!

"My head betays me half the time. One day, it tells me I am a god. The other, it tells me that I not only rule hell, but I invented it." --Katy Evans

I need advice (or encouragement, I guess) on whether or not to seek medication again and which. I am scared sh**less. Terrified into being paralyzed.

I don’t want to write an epic, but you need to know some background info to really understand my predicament…

I have been depressed all my life. It runs in my family. My first AHA! Moment that I KNEW I suffered from it was when I was 10 years old.

Due to my parent’s divorce/custody issues, I was put into court-appointed therapy at age 5. When you are that age, you don’t realize how smart you are. I learned the therapy “tools” and how to express myself. Unfortunately, I used them to tell the adults what they wanted to hear, so they would leave me alone. Talk therapy does not help me now, because I already know what they will say. I stopped going to my weekly therapy when I was 11, but have been going on and off ever since (but not in the last 6 or 7 years).

When I was 15, I started drinking, smoking, acting out, and cutting. I just wanted a distraction from my internal pain, or maybe I just wanted the physical pain to match the emotional pain. I’m not sure, but that is the best explanation I can come up with. There was a very traumatic incident that involved having something slipped into my drink and needing a rape kit preformed. Luckily, I only sustained mental/emotional damage. But that is what led to being put on antidepressants.

I tried several different kinds, but ended up taking Welburtrin. I was on it for 8 years, never knowing that it actually amplified my severe depression into suicidal ideations (while I was cutting, and hoping to die, I never actually tried to end it – my grandfather killed himself when I was 8 so I knew what it would do to my family).

I ended up having to take, at least, 6 other medications to deal with the side effects. These included meds for: migraine, nausea, anxiety, insomnia, something to help me get an appetite because I was wasting away, and eventually I had seizures.

When I was 22 years old, everything hit a boiling point. I had a major surgery (breast reduction). I was taking pain meds for 7 days after surgery. On the 8th day, I switched to regular Tylenol. I was out of control. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was experiencing a type of allergic reaction. It was pretty much a psychotic break. My family was forced to call the police. I was hospitalized for 8 days.

Talk about a reality check. It made me reevaluate everything. I even ended things with my manipulative bf from a pay phone while still in the hospital.

It took about 2 years, and the support of my sister and mother, to wean myself off of everything. What a difference. But I didn’t exactly do it with nothing.

I was encouraged by my sister and mother (which threw me because my Ma has never even smoked a cigarette let alone any drugs), to smoke marijuana. While it is not legal in my state (or rather the law JUST got passed), it changed my world. I could take myself out of panic attacks, I could eat, sleep, and even got back my ability to smile. What a change. But I wasn’t “numbed” like I was on Rx drugs. It was like hitting a pause button long enough to redirect my thoughts.

I suffer from clinical, severe and seasonal depression. I have social anxiety, and during the winter months, I become almost agoraphobic.

After my sister moved away, I had to find a new source/supplier for my pot. My best friend (I’ll name her as E), helped me on this front. However, the past winters, I just cut myself off from the world and suffered, because while E knew of my issues, I had never wanted her to see me this way. I took a chance and let her stay close with me this winter. It ended up back firing on me though. Well, I won’t bore you with the details, but she hung me out to dry in a very callous manner at the peak of my depression cycle. I have been without any coping meds/pot going on 3 weeks now.

While (I hope) the worst of it is behind me, I am still very much struggling. My mother has asked me to go see a doctor for Rx. Because of my past experiences, I am unwilling to consider antidepressants. I have no one to turn to for pot. But I guess I have to think about something to help with the panic attacks. I have enough problems without bringing in anything habit forming as a solution.

I decided to call for an appointment at a walk-in tomorrow. But what do I ask for when I get there? Should I really ask for anything? If I could trust them, I would just let them evaluate me and give me what they think I need. But I DON’T trust them. If it is legal in my state now, how do I ask for a Rx for marijuana and what in form of it would they have it (pills or something that I smoke/eat)? I don’t know what to do, but it is more than obvious that I need more help than I can give myself.

Once again, sorry for the epic. Thanks for reading. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

I too am on marijuana, in my state it's legal, but I don't have a prescription. I have been on it for over 20 years and it's the only thing that keeps me sane and fed. I think you should tell your doc what your experiences are with marijuana and how it helps. I don't take any pmeds but I do believe marijuana helps me cope. Hope it helps, good luck.

My only suggestion is to do reaserch, and find a doc who is willing to listen when you say the side effects are worse than the benefits. It's a tightrope walk to find out if there is something than can help. Its my understanding those that have a more genetic predisposition to depression are more helped than those that do not have a genetic cause. From what you stated it seems likely the background is there for a genetic cause. Those I've known are really happy once they have found the right medicine.
Sorry I can't be more help than this but medicine is a highly individual choice and no one else can really tell you if you should or should not try.

Wow you have been through alot and sound like you know the ropes. I have been clean and sober 18 years with a couple of slips on pot. I tried to use it as an antidepressant. It did not really work for me so I gave up. I used to be a major pot head and was afraid I would get addicted again. AA is like totally against it even more medical use. I have been on meds for 20 years. Been on every antidepressant and combination you can think of. Some times they help sometimes not. I still cycle in and out of depressions no matter what. Traditionally three a year. In recent years it has gotten worse. I have not given up on meds and still keep switching up. I just switched to Lamictal with is not an SSRI and it seems to be working.
Even though I have been in AA for years I personally don't have any problem with people using pot for medical use. If it helps you use it. Only you have to be honest with yourself if it is becoming a problem or not or if you are over using it. Trust me it is not hard to get on the streets or legally. There are plenty of doctors who will prescribe it for you. I doubt that a mental health facility would though. The think about smoking is that it is really bad for your lungs. I have never tried it any other way so I don't know. There are lots of back and forth posts on here about meds and if they work or not and so on. I would read those and educate yourself on the latest research. The current research shows the SSRI's and SNRI's are effective 50% of the time. Then there are side affects to consider and whether one that is working will keep working over time. Lots of things to think about. Benzo's are very addictive and have bad withdrawal. If pot works it is better than taking a benzo in my opinion. Especially if you are prone to addiction. I currently take Klonopin for anxiety but I take it as prescribed and no more. They are very stingy giving it out at my mental health clinic. I don't even know if they will give me another script. He gave me a months worth to get through this med transition. I get anxiety all the time though. Its a tough racket we are in. There are two brand new antidepressants out that are not me too's and I am going to switch to one hopefully. I have not given up on meds yet.

I wish I had used when I was at my worst.....Sounds bad, but what I went through was sheer HELL. I only wanted a day "off" to give me the strength to fight again.
It's not addictive for me, but it works better than xanax for panic attacks.
Also it's illegal here and I'm guessing will NEVER be legalized in my state
I don't know where you are, but perhaps this would help

New England Dispensaries | Dispensary Locator

My idea being to get in touch with them FIRST to find a friendly yet competent physician? Seeing as how it's new in your area, you may find that doctor's are still a little....opinionated.....on the subject and less willing to help you.

I hear a lot of panic in your post and I think that if this is what calms you enough to make a good plan for yourself, then it's what you need....

I am not advocating it...it's just that we need the clouds to clear momentarily in order to think clearly.