My leg was literally killing me so it was amputated two years ago. For the last six months or so, I've been feeling guilty about it. Both guilty regarding my leg that I had it removed, but also as though I could have done things to prevent it.

When I was little my dad and I had a joke. We could sometimes ride on his back when he was bringing us to bed, so we wouldn't have to walk the stairs. My dad would ask me "Don't you have legs?" and I would answer "No, I have wheels". And thus he would carry me up the stairs.

Some days more than other days I believe that it's that joke that's the reason behind me landing in a wheelchair and later on, losing my leg. That I'm being punished for making those jokes.

Or that because I always coped too well I went through several trauma's which all compilated into PTSD.

Or because I once fought back when people were beating me up at school I was bullied for several more years to come.

That I'm failing at school now because I always was a know-it-all.

And the more I think about it the more I believe them. I know it's not rational but it really seems logical. I know excessive feelings of guilt are a part of depression but I really don't know what to do about this. And I feel so damn guilty about having my leg amputated. Even though I would be dead now if I hadn't. (Well, it wasn't even my choice - the doctors threatened with court orders if I didn't agree to the amputation. But I should've sticked up for my leg.)

Sometimes I think because I had a birth mark (the doctors were almost sure it was malignant tumor) removed, and it eventually turned out to be alright (well, not-yet-malignant, they said it would've turned malignant eventually) and I had it removed anyway I later lost that leg.'

I became a victim of medical torture because I visited the doctor's too much.

[Rohag]

Elsewhere you've written about pre- or post-psychotic symptoms. Have you approached a pdoc about these irrational guilt feelings in connection with those symptoms?

Originally Posted by Rohag

Elsewhere you've written about pre- or post-psychotic symptoms. Have you approached a pdoc about these irrational guilt feelings in connection with those symptoms?

No, although I do mark it on the BDI (Beck Depression Index) whenever he has me fill it out, which isn't often lately.

I'm afraid that if I tell him about this he'll think.. I don't know, that I'm just making stuff up for attention or something. And it isn't a very big problem, if it even is a problem, so I'd rather not risk that and solve it myself, if it even needs solving, which I'm not sure of.

Does it sound far-fetched to you? The things I wrote in my starting post?

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

Does it sound far-fetched to you? The things I wrote in my starting post?

Not at all! The mind and emotions are capable of wild things. I can hardly believe some of the thoughts and guilty feelings that pass through my own mind. They make no rational sense, but lack of rationality in no way diminishes the reality of those feelings.

Breadfish, I think guilt is a normal emotion, especially for depressed people where you find it's magnified. I feel guilty when I lie in bed when not sleeping. I feel guilt on the weekends when my husband (and others) are active but I'm still doing the same internet, t.v. watching, maybe laundry. I think out-of-proportion guilt is part of depression, at least for me.

[healingme4me]

I don't know if it will help or not, but really look into/research what kharma is and is not.
I struggled in a different capacity, with feeling like I was getting what I deserved. Yes, it's an irrational thinking process, yet valid because those were my feelings, at the time.
I'm sure, it will be clear, that childlike banter with your Daddy, didn't create health struggles later in your life.

If uncertain how to bring this up with a trained clinician(pdoc, psychologist, social worker, neuropdoc,, neuropsyche), start with feeling like you feel you've created this about yourself. In a cosmic way. Which you haven't...

Self punishment, through guilt, is common with depression.


Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Mysterious Flyer]

I hope I'm not grilling you too much, but did your hallucinations start before or after the amputation? Did they start before or after the problem that led to the amputation? Having an amputated leg is a pretty harrowing experience.