Sitting in the dark

As I sit alone, I look to my left theres a mother playing with her kids. They look happy, Loved and not scared of themselves. I look to my Right, my family doing all these activities for church like i use to. Me , Im just lost in my own world felling sorry for myself not know half of what going on in my head these days. i fell so disconnected lately from, Life, Family, Friends, My Job and God. I Use to be a very happy funny person but now im drowning in my own sadness that shouldn't even be there. I want to feel normal again or t lest not scared of one day decided enough is enough and i kill myself dome how.

after my parents learned i cut they had me throw away the ones i was using and they ask for my to keep my bedroom door open most of the day and never for me to lock it. I feel that if i tell them im still cutting they will raid everything in my room and give me no space to breath and i really feel trapped and breathing does not come naturally to me anyway. HEY I STOPPED DRINKING FOR THEM NOW LOOK AT ME , I CANT EVEN HANDLE FEELING HAVE. SO WHAT NOW IF THEY TAKE MY CUTTING AWAY FROM ME TO.?

Hi Bassinga, it sounds like you're feeling really alone in all of this (although you do know we're here for you!!). While I'd say it might be a good idea to tell your parents regardless, I'm guessing they really care about you??? It's still really important for you to have something to "fall back on" if you get the urges to SI e.g. writing, talking to someone, distraction, something active..........whatever might help you just a little. I can completely understand how hard it might be if your parents did take away........but if you've got a back-up plan (other than SI) that might help a bit.
But if/when you tell them, it shouldn't really be as simple as you SI, just make sure you tell them the feelings (and sometimes lack of feelings??) behind it and how it makes you feel if you can't SI. That way they may be able to understand what you're going through a bit better without the means to SI and give you some extra support with that.
For the feeling of being disconnected though if you're feeling depressed you aren't going to be really "connected" so don't make that all about being a problem with you. Maybe instead look at some (more?) really small connections you can make. Connections that don't involve pretending you/things are different than they are as that's likely to make it even harder for you. Perhaps just try to be with people a little more, share something more (an activity?) however little it is with them, do somethings for them, ask them to do somethings for you, talk about things you've shared in the past/your relationships with them...............and maybe start to try to let people in a little more about how you're feeling??
But don't beat yourself up because you don't feel "normal" or because things aren't like they used to be for you. You're feeling depressed/you are depressed it can be a bit of a journey to overcome that with some help and support along the way. So cut yourself some slack!! And instead focus a little more on the things you can do/you are doing to get to where you want to be. Don't be so hard on yourself!!
And if you've managed to stop drinking, which sounds like it was hard for you, you've absolutely shown you've got a lot in you/a lot about you!!! I know things seem/feel really hard for you right now but don't forget you've got that!!!
Best wishes
Alison

Ouch, that is rough. I echo what Frankbtl says. I would also add that maybe talking to someone outside of your family might be a good idea. Your family obviously loves you and they are trying to help but without having been through it themselves or a background in psychology they may be a bit lost in the sauce.

Youmay consider asking them to take you to a family therapist. If you are not already in treatment that is. They may be able to help you bridge the gap with them as well as give them better tools tohelp you.

I don't understand cutting because I have never done it. I understand that it brings relief from the pain and is an escape. I used to use drugs and alcohol to escape and function. Congratulations on stopping drinking. I would agree with Curupira that talking to someone outside of your family who understands would be a good idea. Families can be so enmeshed that it is difficult to get the help you need. My family is very supportive and understanding but I am a big believer in having a support network outside of my family.

I never thought I would understand cutting till my depression hit an all time low. My best friend vanished on me. Something the I irrationally obsessed on. I have an amazing husband and son but the pain of losing my friendship was a pain I never felt before. One that consumed everything in my soul. One day I used the pointy end of of a knife and pressed it into my skin not enough to break the skin. There was something too that pain. It seemed to magically remove some of the miserable torment I felt.

Bazzinga, you need someone to talk to and/or meds but know that finding the right meds can take a while and isn't fun. But when the emotional pain is manageable the cutting will be easier to stop. Your basically trying to self medicate and though it seems to help for a time it will not work forever. Meds got me closer to normal. My next step is finding a therapist to see if I can find more clarity.

I'm 33 and my parents still don't understand my depression. Mostly because I don't understand it. Maybe get them to see a therapist with you. To understand why you do what you do. It is possible to get healthy again or at least closer too it. The first step is the hardest. And that is admitting there is and issue. The next is just as hard and that is seeking help because this isn't something that will go away and it isn't something you can fix on your own. ((Hugs))

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