[Hellion]

I feel quite numb and empty...I can sort of enjoy things on the surface, but I'm not really feeling things. I finally got my SSI and I can't figure out much to do...I was thinking I'd be glad for income so I can get out of the house more and be able to cover my own expenses but I end up feeling like what is the point of all that when I feel like this.

I am having some suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts, like I just want to harm myself in frusteration to feel something or I want to end the frustration...I am doing pretty well sort of distracting myself from those thoughts and somehow forcing myself to get a little enjoyment out of my time. But not sure how long I can do that...also trying to be in somewhat of a good mood around others is getting kind of draining...I could really use a day alone where I simply don't have to think about anyone else or worry about coming off irritated or snappy or something.

Grrr, why won't my mind cooperate with me. Wasn't sure if I should post this here or the PTSD forum...depression and PTSD can both make you feel numb and empty.

[TheOriginalMe]

Do you ever play any of the games here to distract from the harmful thoughts? I find them quite useful.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Do you ever play any of the games here to distract from the harmful thoughts? I find them quite useful.

I wasn't aware of any here...there are a few games on facebook I kind of like that I play at times though, and it can be distracting for a while. But still the feeling still remains once I get sick of that.

[Altered Moment]

I am in the same boat except I have not gotten accepted for SSI. I am hoping a praying I get it. My thought was that once I got it it would give me less stress and an opportunity to find some purpose and meaning. Finding something to do that gratifies me and gives me purpose. Maybe that will just take some time for us.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I am in the same boat except I have not gotten accepted for SSI. I am hoping a praying I get it. My thought was that once I got it it would give me less stress and an opportunity to find some purpose and meaning. Finding something to do that gratifies me and gives me purpose. Maybe that will just take some time for us.

I hope you do get it.

but yeah I am kind of doubting if I will find any purpose or meaning, just not feeling so great lately.

[Hellion]

I want this to end...trying to just push through, I know there are cycles and this will pass and I wont feel quite so horrible and like everything feels meaningless once it does, though then of course it will hit me again sometime again later down the road. Just feels like I am sinking further though the more I try and just go through the motions of life, force myself to eat when I don't feel like it, avoid isolating myself too much.

Also acting like I am feeling ok around everyone IRL, is draining me far too much but I don't know what to say to them I don't want them 'worried' since none of them know the right things to do to help really. But I know its not doing me any good keeping it to myself, if anything I need more help then I am getting with therapy a couple times a month and meds that just don't quite work or that I am afraid to take.

I don't know I suppose I just have to focus on each day...just not liking where my mind is going and I just keep feeling more and more exausted and like I'm rather close to my breaking point...But no one in my life even knows. They think that since I finally got on SSI I am 'happier' and can now really start moving forward...they don't know that I think part of whats wrong is the shock of finally getting it and getting overwhelmed too easily even by positive stress(that's embarrassing to me).

Just need to express some of that I guess, since I don't really have anyone to talk to about it and of course didn't want to start a new thread on the same topic as this so figured I'd continue my ramblings in this one.

[Altered Moment]

Finding purpose and meaning is almost impossible when in a deep depression. I read something yesterday-
"It is not what we expect of life but what life expects from us."
I don't know if that makes any sense to me. He said it means many different things for different people. Maybe all life expects from me right now is to be depressed, to post on these forums, to force myself to eat....i dunno.
Seems to me you need to find at least one person you can trust in your life you can confide it. Seems like putting on the mask for everyone is causing you alot of conflict.

[Hellion]

I just can't think of anyone in my life I can really talk to about it...I mean my family already knows I have issues and this and that but they still aren't exactly the best at being helpful and sometimes it just makes it more a hassle bringing it up with them as then I have to deal with their reactions and potentially unhelpful words about it.

But yes if I continue feeling this way and it doesn't let up...I'll probably just have to go to the ER so I don't do anything stupid as I simply can't take much more...but whatever I'll see what today brings, that is all I can do for now I suppose. Then over the week I bet that stupid collections agency is going to call me and hassle me about giving them a credit/debit card number and act like they cant accept checks and disregard the fact my income is a limited SSI income and I can't even really afford to pay them. I wish they would go hassle someone else...who has money to pay them.

[viviana419]

Originally Posted by Hellion

I feel quite numb and empty...I can sort of enjoy things on the surface, but I'm not really feeling things. I finally got my SSI and I can't figure out much to do...I was thinking I'd be glad for income so I can get out of the house more and be able to cover my own expenses but I end up feeling like what is the point of all that when I feel like this.

I am having some suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts, like I just want to harm myself in frusteration to feel something or I want to end the frustration...I am doing pretty well sort of distracting myself from those thoughts and somehow forcing myself to get a little enjoyment out of my time. But not sure how long I can do that...also trying to be in somewhat of a good mood around others is getting kind of draining...I could really use a day alone where I simply don't have to think about anyone else or worry about coming off irritated or snappy or something.

Grrr, why won't my mind cooperate with me. Wasn't sure if I should post this here or the PTSD forum...depression and PTSD can both make you feel numb and empty.

Wow do I know how you feel. Best of luck to you. Hugs