Hi and thank you for your support. I am trying to hold on but it is hard. I wanted to write earlier, but I was afraid. I have signed in several times but get anxious and afraid to write. To answer your question about having someone to talk to the answer is no. I do not trust anyone and I just do not want to bother my T. She is the greatest but I cannot bring myself to call her even though she has told me it is okay. I find it hard to reach out as I have been hurt and used by reaching out. As far as a minister goes, I don't think I could ever reach out there again. I tried that once and was scared to death after he and other members tried to perform an exercism because of other parts of me that they said were demons. That scared me to death and after hours of fighting for our life, I shut down and have been afraid to let anyone know that the parts are still there. I was told that if the parts came back, I allowed satan back into my life. I don't feel safe here where I live because this is the town that this all happened. But my children live here and I am not able to move away. This happened more than once and I am scared to let anyone know anything. My thoughts continue as I sit here. My mind hears messages like silent voices, screaming to the furthest reaches of my brain. Messages that repeat, over and over, like a broken record that no one else hears. Messages, fragments of thoughts, pieces of memories, floating like shards of a mirror in space. Sharp-edged pieces of information, cutting like razors into my emotional fabric. I cannot avoid them, they are everywhere, in everything, but to touch them is to feel the pain, and the loss of part of myself. I feel tired and exhausted like I have run some sort of marathon. It is exhausting being so quiet, so focused on staying connected. When I write the pen feels so heavy that it hurts to write. It seems like there are few words in my head to make sense. My eyes now burn and I feel shakey of this night. Time. It comes and goes just like thoughts, memories, and words. My words are like raindrops. They fall one by one upon dry ground. They are soaked up into the ground and gone. They are not there and they fall running off and away from me. Sometimes they do not even hit the ground for they evaporate into thin air. It feels like words are getting all jumbled and massive. It feels as though my head will explode. The silence of the atmosphere here is not as silent as the silence I feel before a storm. Part of me wishes to talk, part of me is afraid of being heard. I am broken, yet nothing looks broken. Outsides a cover, inside I am bleeding to death and no one has a clue. Sometimes connecting is hard because I cannot find the words to connect. A part feels too small for such big words or feelings. As I search for words to come together to say what I need to say, sometimes they get away from me. Sometimes I begin to ask what is fear? Some do not even know how to be afraid because that was just the way they lived. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall when someone is nice to me. Was I so afraid before Darce that she could not be? Death is the ultimate but she is not afraid. Where am I? Where is the beginning me?
Anyway, I haven't meant to talk so long. It feels scary and like I am taking a big risk writing this. I don't know if it makes any sense but it does to us. I do not mean to be bad by not being okay. I feel very scared. Scared of rejection and scared that no one will hear what I cannot seem to put into words. But thank you for listening.

i am sorry that i missed your post last night. i went to bed earlier.

i wish you weren't feeling so fearful and if i could help you with it, i would. we all experience fear quite often. it's a component of our depression and anxiety.

i have to rush to work right now but will be back tonight......xoxoxo pat

[Soidhonia]

Hello I am sorry that you are not feeling well at this time. I feel that you need to call your Dr and let them help you get your medication adjusted to help you feel better, you do not have to go through this at this degree of torment. I am going to leave you a hotline number to call in case you would like someone to talk to in person. 1-800-273-TALK. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care and try to get in touch with your Dr so that they can help you today. Sincerely Soidhonia