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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
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Dec 10, 2006 at 05:23 PM
#1
2 almosts...
on friday I walked out of twon about 2 miles up a nearby hill and sat there for over an hour with a gun at about 5am... but I couldn't do it... and today I spent ages stearing at a pile of drugs (i'm sort of an addict, but trying to get clean) wanting to take them all at once... I even prepared some, easily strong enough to kill me, but that I just couldn't do it... |
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2004
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Dec 10, 2006 at 05:43 PM
#2
 (((((((((orion)))))))))))
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2003
Location: Coram Deo
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Dec 10, 2006 at 05:48 PM
#3
I'm sorry to hear you are so miserable.
 But what I do read is that you really don't wish to end life, you just wish for the pain to end. You want the way things are NOW to end... why not think about the things in your LIFE that you can change... I mean things that are changeable whether you think you can change them or not! Anything is better than ending your life! "Just" end the life you are leading now, and make a new one! Even if you walked out on everything and had to begin all over again with a clean slate...that would be better than ending life IMO! Can you list the things you aren't happy with? Which of them are in your control, or soon will be? __________________ |
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Dec 10, 2006 at 05:52 PM
#4
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad.
A very wise person finally convinced me that suicide thinking is a way of saying *how much* a person is hurting emotionally. "I am hurting this much... " Whatever is hurting you needs to be talked about. Do you have someone you can talk to soon? Would you call a hotline the next time you feel that bad? Will you write about what is on your mind right now? Keep talking like you did here by posting. (((((Orion))))) ECHOES
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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
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Dec 10, 2006 at 06:13 PM
#5
i just don't understand...
1. why i keep nearly doing it and 2. why i can't do it when I get so near... i don't know what's wrong... only thing that's different from a few weeks ago is the withdrawal... but surely that couldn't cause this??? I was in hospital in september after an attempt... was in for 3 weeks I don't want to do it again... really, don't want to put people through that again... but not sure what's happing at the moment...
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2003
Location: Coram Deo
Posts: 35,474
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Dec 10, 2006 at 06:18 PM
#6
You keep nearly trying because you are hurting and need things to change, the depression is telling you to die is the only way to change, and that's a lie.
You can't complete because you really don't want to die, you "just" want things to quit being so miserable for you, you want to feel better etc. Yes, withdrawal, and whatever was the reason you took meds in the first place (depression???) can be why your mind is so dark now. What is there about meds that you can change this week???? __________________ |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
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Dec 10, 2006 at 06:21 PM
#7
don't really meen meds...
I am on meds... but also a drug addict... 2 days clean now... went a week before that... |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2003
Location: Coram Deo
Posts: 35,474
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Dec 10, 2006 at 06:28 PM
#8
Yes, any kind of meds' withdrawal affects us... ((((hugs)))) good for you! Can you call your doc and let him know how bad you're feeling, how desperate, and see if there's anything in the interim he can help with???
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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
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Dec 10, 2006 at 06:32 PM
#9
I called my theripist on friday... but he's been slow and hasn't got back to me yet
I just don't know what to do... don't know anything anymore |
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Dec 10, 2006 at 06:58 PM
#10
Keep calling, Orion. It is important to you and it is okay to call again.
What things can you do now that might help you to feel better? Hot shower/bath? Favorite foods? Online game? Music? Sleep? Here is a site that has a really beautiful free relaxation meditation called Secret Garden. It is 20 minutes but it seems like 5 minutes. It might feel good to you to do it or do part of it, or just listen to it through to the end. www.meditainment.com Keep talking here too! ECHOES
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2003
Location: Coram Deo
Posts: 35,474
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Dec 10, 2006 at 07:04 PM
#11
Good idea Echoes... call again. My T insists I call him until he returns the call...sometimes the pages are dropped in the system...
if your doctor didn't get the call... then he won't know you called, so either way, it's ok to call again! These bad feelings won't last, Orion...they probably are really bad right now due to the withdrawal, ok? It won't always be this tough. __________________ |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
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Dec 10, 2006 at 07:20 PM
#12
i'm going to call him again in the morning i think...
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Dec 10, 2006 at 07:51 PM
#13
Does he have an answering service so you can call before morning?
And when you do speak to him, talk about this and what to do next time? |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
17 |
Dec 10, 2006 at 08:00 PM
#14
if i ring him about 9 it's only 9 hours away... i have problems with leaving messages on phones... sounds stupid I know but find it really hard to do so only will when absoltuly have to do...
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Dec 10, 2006 at 08:45 PM
#15
How about writing down what you want to say, then reading it when you call? I have done that and it seems to help. Be honest, talk about the 2 'almosts', about what you are feeling and the withdrawal you are experiencing and that you need help right away.
You might sleep better if you have left a message and have spoken up for you. Knowing that help and relief is on the way for your emotonal and drug withdrawal suffering. You deserve to feel better. You deserve to be helped. You deserve relief, happiness, comfort, care. ECHOES
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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
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Dec 10, 2006 at 08:51 PM
#16
not a chance of sleeping... bearly slept in a week now...
wish i'd never started on the bloody things now total idiot
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Dec 10, 2006 at 09:36 PM
#17
You wish you hadn't started on the drugs? That's understandable! You want things to change now and you don't want the drugs in your life anymore.
You can get through this. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe til morning. Call a helpline to talk. Go to a hospital. Call a friend. Cross off the hours til morning when the sun will rise again and you can make your call. ECHOES
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Member
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: scotland
Posts: 88
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Dec 10, 2006 at 09:46 PM
#18
ye... I am trying... but everything's so tempting right now... but will keep trying, don't want to put anyone through stuff again
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Grand Magnate
Community Liaison
Member Since Oct 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 4,344
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Dec 11, 2006 at 11:57 AM
#19
Hello I hope things are going better for you at this time. I hope your therapist gets back to you really soon, so that your medication can get adjusted so that you feel better soon., I am going to leave you a hotline number to call in case you feel suicidal again and you need to talk to someone in person 1-800-273-TALK. I am glad that you are here talking about how you feel and I hope that you know that you are not alone, and that there is help for you, so that you can feel better. You may email me anytime if you wish, and I am also on chatroom from time to time in the afternoon usually around 2pm, and you are free to join in at anytime. I hope the best for you and I hope things get better for you soon. Take care Sincerely soidhonia
__________________ The Caged Bird Sings with a Fearful Trill of Things Unknown and Longed for Still and his Tune is Heard on the Distant Hill for the Caged Bird Sings of Freedom |
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Member
Member Since Aug 2003
Location: US Pacific NW
Posts: 448
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Dec 11, 2006 at 06:08 PM
#20
If or when you reach the end of your endurance again, take another walk. This time head to the nearest hospital emergency room. Tell them what you have done before with the gun and drugs. Tell them you desperately need help. They have to take you in whether you are insured or not. (If you know you have insurance, try to get to an approved ER to save you a lot of later paperwork hassle.) This will not cure you, but it buy you time and help you get re-oriented.
__________________ "...even the truth, when believed, is a lie. You must experience the truth, not believe it." Werner Erhard |
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