[bazzinga1990]

well, i cut again.........

this distartine did work a little but, it's more anger that i feel at of with myself. even though i have people that love me, why do i have to go on living when i'm nothing. i have no job because of this depression. it has ruined my life, my social life, my family, everything is sooooo black in white to me eyes now. i keep planing out my death or even something that will get and keep me in the hospital and off my poor parents hands cause lets face it, this is out of there hands. i just want someone to take care of me the way they do at the hospital and keep me safe from myself cause in all honesty i don't really want to die but sometimes.........

I can see my parents are getting so tired of my cutting and i am trying but i'm also trying to not blow up cause i've done that before and man, things got bad.

I just want to not make my parents have to suffer with me.

there getting to close now, there suffocating me.

with every passing day , I Lose my will to live. I'm trying to be strong, for myself and everyone but, I'm not sure how much more of this sadness and hating myself much longer.... (:

[live2ski66]

I hear you, it's hard to go through our garbage with people we love and love us trying to help us.

I can't tell you how many times I have sobbed wondering why can't anyone take care of me for just a little bit. Reminds me of a movie I just watched about Temple Gardin. She created her squeeze machine patterned after a cattle holding device. The squeeze machine would apply pressure to her body like a whole body hug and she would calm down. She is Autistic and doesn't like to feel touch. The same thing is done with newborns. They are wrapped like a burrito, all nice and tight to keep the child calm.

For years and years my T told me to find a way to self-sooth. Sounded like Chinese to me, what did she mean by self sooth. What worked for me was a rocking chair, swing, hammock, or something similar with a rhythmic motion. So I used to rock away when I was over stressed. Then a girlfriend of mine had a baby and no money for a rocker. I loaned her mine, never got it back

Another option, are there outpatient services you could go during the day time to help relieve the misery and make it easier on everyone?

Good luck!

[bazzinga1990]

Originally Posted by live2ski66

I hear you, it's hard to go through our garbage with people we love and love us trying to help us.

I can't tell you how many times I have sobbed wondering why can't anyone take care of me for just a little bit. Reminds me of a movie I just watched about Temple Gardin. She created her squeeze machine patterned after a cattle holding device. The squeeze machine would apply pressure to her body like a whole body hug and she would calm down. She is Autistic and doesn't like to feel touch. The same thing is done with newborns. They are wrapped like a burrito, all nice and tight to keep the child calm.

For years and years my T told me to find a way to self-sooth. Sounded like Chinese to me, what did she mean by self sooth. What worked for me was a rocking chair, swing, hammock, or something similar with a rhythmic motion. So I used to rock away when I was over stressed. Then a girlfriend of mine had a baby and no money for a rocker. I loaned her mine, never got it back

Another option, are there outpatient services you could go during the day time to help relieve the misery and make it easier on everyone?

Good luck!

im going to have to see that movie

[Altered Moment]

My nephew rocks like crazy all the time. Ever since he was a baby.
The sway will calm the way.
Try breathing and humming.
The hum will calm the drum.

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[Frankbtl]

Hi bazzinga, good suggestions up there. And maybe following on from the humming you could try a phrase or mantra e.g. I AM something. Then repeat.......repeat.......repeat.....and try to feel/believe that in yourself. Because I'll tell you I, 10000%, believe that about you!!!!
And your parents, well depression can cut you off from so many people in your life in so many ways. So the thinking that "they have to suffer with" you etc, is maybe more coming from the depression.
Things are hard enough on you as it is without it causing you to lose sight of how much they really care about you, and how little any "suffering" they are doing compares with how much you really matter to them. So don't allow the depression (!!) to come betwen how close you could be with them.
I do know that sometimes they may not be supporting you as you'd like/as you need. But maybe that's as much through fear or not knowing that well what might help/what might not make things worse for you. And it's got to be really hard on you, but it might help them if they found out a little more about your feelings and depression/anxiety as a whole??? Perhaps you could find some information or experiences of others which really resonates with you and get them to check it out??
And with all the things the depression has ruined for you....well maybe try to improve just one small thing at a time for yourself....it might take weeks....months....to even manage the the very first steps towards one thing you want to improve....but that's alright, every single step you take matters, every single step is a step you're reclaiming from the depression. It's a step forward. And hey, working towards letting your feelings out to your parents is a fantastic start/step.
It's SO brave/insightful of you, in all of this, to be thinking about your safety and the care you might need though. Eight million gold stars for that!!! And if you do feel that you need to visit/talk to someone at the hospital, absolutely go for it!!! Nothing whatsoever wrong with that!!! You've "hit the nail on the head" there, it's YOU that matters. It's you who so shouldn't have to be feeling this way, and it's you who shouldn't be hating yourself. You are SO much more than that. And you deserve to be able to see the amazing person we (others should be able to) see under all of that.
Alison

Hey Bazzinga... what's this... you cut? STOP IT... by order of The Skeezyks!!! (I know how you feel. I spend half my time wishing I would die & the other half thinking of ways to get back into the hospital.) I don't even know why I'd want to go to the hospital. Once I got there, I know I'd hate it! But there it is...

You're suffocating under a deep pile of depression right now. And the only way to get out is to dig yourself out. What you need is to develop a digging strategy & someone to help you along with it. Do you have a therapist? That's really part of what therapy ought to be about. Start with baby steps... maybe just one or two & build from there... "get knocked down 7 times, get up eight", as the saying goes...

The really great thing you have going for you now is you're so young. You have plenty of time to recover. Here... I'll throw another tired old cliché your way: "no matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back"

Listen to me talk...! I should take some of my own advice... sheesh!

BTW, there is a wonderful rocking motion that is used as a warm-up exercise in the practice of Tai Chi Chih. It involves standing with your feet at a comfortable distance apart, going up on your toes & then back slightly onto your heels. Your arms start comfortably at your sides. As you rock onto your toes you raise your arms (palms up) at the elbows up to waist level & then back down again (palms down). I'm sure there must be a website where you could see this being done. If not, I could demonstrate it on my YouTube channel. I used to have a vid like this up. But I took it down. Let me know if you're interested. I can help you find a way to see it done. If you like to rock, I think it could work well for you. Done to some soft calming music, it can be hypnotic...