[Beatzen]

I have MDD and PTSD and am an alcoholic. I have struggled for years with my issues, since I was a young child. I am in therapy and on meds.
It feels like too much, this pain. I feel I have nothing to look forward to and am agitated and anxious. I'm also just two days clean from alcohol. I know that contributes to this but I've been falling in a deep chasm since November. I've reached out to my therapist and pdoc, pretty regularly. I feel like I've just exhausted my therapist and after a while, what is she supposed to say? I know the tools; i just need to find a better way to self soothe. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing much more my T can say that she hasn't already tried.
I lost my parents when I was young. I am 39 now and still grieve intensely for them. My dad died first and then my mom. They were both alcoholics. Both were abusive. My mom got worse after my dad passed. Even though they seemed to hate me at times, I miss them. Because there were good times too. It makes it confusing when the abuser also offers comfort.
Now I'm not sure if this post is in the right place. I've touched on alot here. My biggest obstacle right now is depression, fear, and sadness. PTSD is always there, beating steadily in the background. I think I've gotten a little better since Nov due to a med change but I keep find myself saying, "What's the point?" "What the h*** is the point?"
I'm female and live in the States. I've got a job I love and I know I also have many other blessings. Why isn't this enough for me? Why do I always want more? I don't know.
I never saw myself living this long (I guess due to the PTSD and my parents' young ages at death). Well, here I am. This ugly mess of me.
Thank you for listening. Be well.

[Beatzen]

Minute by minute.

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[Altered Moment]

I found much solace and support in AA for all my issues. It was a family to me for many years

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