Hi everyone, it's almost 3:00 a.m. and I still cannot sleep. I stare at my computer with thoughts in my head that I find it hard to put words to. I sat by kerosine lamp writing when I lost electricity and wrote. I hear a voice inside that keeps saying "I'm not afraid." To us it's just a word-afraid-survive. There's a sense of falling, I feel funny inside. My head is not connected but yet somehow I write. Good is gone, purity never existed, and innocence is just another word. Words, I write them but they do not make sense. Come together to tell, to tell--colors tell, they paint a picture. They show up so many times. Red....pain....fire. It is like the light of the kerosine lamp. The flicker seems to reach out for you. It has a ring of light purple around the outer edge, a trapping feeling of safety so when you get close it can grab you. If you look into the flame, it dances. Memories swirl in my head, if it is not fear, what is it? Seems some part of me inside knows fear yet a tug pulling inside, "I'm not afraid", "I'm not afraid." The lantern is full of a liquid that is pink. It is what makes it possible for the flames to burn. Pink burns away--sometimes feels like hope burns away with every word I write. Just like the pink that disappears in the sky at dusk. Hope burns, but I'm not afraid. If you turn up the fire a black smoke shoots up. I remember smoke. The glass gets so hot you cannot touch it without being burned-hurt. Maybe that is why no one can reach in. The flame burns and burns until the pink is gone. Then the glass get cold, cold like---Blue surrounds the base of the flame, the hottest point, like guards keeping the flame lit. As the flame burns, the glass begins to turn black the longer it burns. Blackness surrounds the glass making it hard to see inside. It is like muffling out the ablility to hear. It is like the night before, hope burning. Like with burning a candle. It burns downward to the heart of the candle first, leaving the outer part but burning it slowly. The flame inside burns slowly, getting to the heart, my heart, but I'm not afraid. Once again I feel small and this place feels so big. At times the flame flickering is like laughing, because it can. But I'm not afraid. Sometimes this is what it feels like.
I did go to thereapy last night but I felt so distant and dissociated. I could not find words to say anything, and touch was not possible. I tried to talk but words would not come. They seem to come when I am alone and no one can hurt me for what I feel. My T. is a great person, but even she felt so far away lastnight. I'm really trying here to reach out the only way I know how right now. I don't mean to take up so much space. Sometimes words are all I have to connect with. But thank you for listening.

[daisy2]

You are a beautiful writer. I am sorry your words conjure such sadndess. You have a talent at describing your thoughts, you should hold on to that gift, one day it may make you better. Hang in there. I have trouble sleeping too, thoughts are always consuming me as well. Just remember there are people who care. I will always listen.

[ouch]

try valerian for sleeping - very helpful or there are teas that are helpful too.

[wisewoman]

I believe I know what you are feeling. Hang on. Keep trying. It is so hard.... We can do it!