Venting

Honestly, I don't even know what I want to say! There's so much, but it's all such a jumbled mess in my mind.
I tried having a casual conversation with my husband when he arrived home from work. As is typical, he walked off when I was mid-sentence like I wasn't speaking at all. He closed himself in the bedroom and was watching tv. I frustratedly asked him why he walked away in the middle of me trying to talk. His response was because he had better things to do (watch tv alone in room) than to listen to whatever stupid thing I had to say. In all seriousness, I had an urge to calmly walk to the kitchen, grab the largest knife I own....and live peacefully ever after in my well worth it prison cell. Instead, knowing realistically no one would really care the reasons why or understand the full depth of the hell I'm living, I simply walked away.
My youngest is turning 3 in a few days. I have been working on potty training with her for months. She seemed to be doing really good, but for the last two weeks she's reverted back to so many 'accidents' I've had to put her back in pull-ups. This is just frustrating me.
My 4 year old son is starting to pick up his fathers behaviors. Hitting me or his sisters if he doesn't get his way. Calling me and his sisters stupid. Cussing. Yelling. Even worse, his father laughs and praises him for this. This is only going to get worse as he gets older.

I just want to give up. I've tried getting away from my husband, but he wouldn't leave me alone. The police wouldn't do a thing. Took him a couple of over nights in jail for public intox , but nothing that did anything to deter him. Those times only made it worse when he got out. I was denied a restraining order because they said he had as much right to our kids as I did. I was moved out for TWO YEARS and he never relented. Several times he reminded me "til death do us part", until I finally gave in and moved back because what was the point??
In truth, I'm quite torn. I don't want to leave my kids to suffer with him, but I want to be free of him. The only way to be free of him is death. The only reason I haven't just done it is because than there's no one to shield my kids from his stupidity.
I just want a normal life and my kids to have a normal life. It's too late for that though so what now? I guess I just continue to feel void and cry when no ones watching and ...I don't know.

I'm sorry for all you are going thru. Don't wait longer than I did to get away, by the time I did, I was in the throes of PTSD so badly, I attempted on my life twice. That was sadly after a women's shelter helped me. I was too far gone at that point ...I don't know how to express it. It was a disaster. I feel absolutely terrible for the things I did.

I AM encouraging you to find a Womens shelter. Do it before you get so far gone emotionally and mentally as I did. They will help you and your kids.
Be strong... you deserve a better life. Your kids do, too.

Yumi:
I asked for help from a women's shelter a few years ago and was turned away. They said I had too many children (6) and they couldn't help because we would take up beds other women needed more. They told me to go live with family or friends. I have no biological family to speak of and no friends I can name for 10 years now. I thought you couldn't be turned away by a shelter, but I was informed in no uncertain terms that they could. They also said since I am college educated that I would be taking resources away from others that needed them. ANYWAY...Trying to get help from a shelter was a disaster and honestly, I'm still a bit bitter about it.
I already have a PTSD diagnosis due to unrelated childhood issues. When I say unrelated I mean the diagnosis came before this relationship, however, this relationship (I've been told by past T) apparently has a lot to do with unresolved childhood issues. It's complicated. Of course, I no longer see a T because according to my husband, the T was a waste of money and trying to turn me against him. It's been several years.

It sounds like you have been in a similar position. I'm really happy that you were able to get out. I do wish I could, but I'm pretty resigned to the fact that there will only be one way out for me.

Whoaminoone.What happened to your thread about someone telling you to post in the relationships forum??? I was going to respond to it.

I my opinion go tell that person to pack sand. It is none of their business where you post. You can post any where you damn well please and post wherever you are more comfortable.

As far as the Mods are concerned they seem pretty hands off to me. Once in awhile they will close a thread. Actually I see them moving posts from the relationship section to the depression section a lot. The post actually stays in both sections.

Whoaminoone,

Is there a church you can run to and plead to the pastor or nuns for help? I am definitely concerned for you and your children.