[monkeybruv]

It seems I start feeling bad when I realise I've been doing a bit better. I don't like to admit to myself maybe, that this is as good as it gets. If I realise I'm surviving better I feel the pointlessness of survival. I think my life is over and I don't like the thought of starting again. I think how I am is no life, I still have no soul.

I also think maybe if I'm doing better then I have no excuse for anything.

And if I have less self harm/ suicide thoughts I wonder why I deserve to stop punishing myself. I feel bad that I'm letting myself get away with stuff.

I've stopped being in such pain all the time, and having vivid images and impulses of hurting myself constantly, and I've stopped throwing up al the time. But once I realised this I just ground to a halt. I've been doing nothing for about a week now but in relative numb-ish comfort. I feel ok, and yet I still dream of killing myself and think it might be the right thing to do. I don't feel 'risky' or like I'll do something reckless and stupid. I just think I've reached a natural stopping point and I can't do any more good here. I can smile now, but I don't really see the point. I just don't know how to want to get better when I'm not at rock bottom.

[LaborIntensive]

HANG IN THERE!

[monkeybruv]

hehe. suppose cats are a good enough reason to stick around :L
But...the thought of a whole life of just 'hanging on' :/