[bazzinga1990]

Everything thats going on around me I can't seem to really get involved with or in. My brother is dating this girl that i barely know and it seems she is all he talks about and it's getting old. I can't even get myself to try and get to know her cause i'm to wrapped up in my self and my own problems.

I'm trying to get disability and i'm hoping i will make enough so i can finally move out. my mom quit her job partly because of me to make sure i'm not home alone but to be honest, I don't want to be around her all the time because i feel like she watches my every move and asks me every five minutes how i'm doing. And my Dad is the same way in that he always asks me when my appointments are because he feels hes got to remind me of them the day of.

I have my weekly Therapist appointment tomorrow and I'm so glad and ready for it, I've been so down lately and I feel like everything i do means nothing and lately i'm not feeling much spark or anything for life to be honest.

sometimes i envy people who are in a coma, They are not aware of or have to feel alive or feel something to feel that they still have a place on this earth.

I am constantly battling with my mind and thinking the world would do ok without me but then i think of how it would be for my family, I'm not sure my friends would care all that much.

Part of me is glad I have something that stops me from succeeding and part of me wishes differently.

I think all of us regret the days, months, and years we have lost to depression but don't let that ever stop you from trying because sinking into depression will never be the answer. It is comfortable but you're pretty much a zombie already. If you let your past chain you from moving forward you'll never be able to take your next steps into the world. Part of what I've learned is even though I am saddened at all the missed opportunities from my depression, I needed the time off and I refuse to let depression take even more from me than it already has. Don't be sad and remorseful. Be angry. Punch a wall until you can learn to punch depression in the face!

Parents will always butt in where they aren't really wanted haha that's just what tends to happen. And, well, this won't really help, but please do try to think about what they mean when they say those things and watch you. They want you to be okay. I know my mother is constantly trying to say things she thinks are right (which usually is the exact opposite) and the thing is, she doesn't know what to do. Because she knows that she can't really help but she tries to do what she can because she can't possibly sit around doing nothing. My mother is watching her child drown in a vat of dark goo and she doesn't know anything except to try and cheer me on. It doesn't help haha but I do appreciate the sentiment.

Often, I think we forget that our minds are the most powerful things on the planet. People have been able to perform miracles and human civilization is built all upon the thoughts of billions of people. If you think what you mean does nothing, you will do nothing. If you feel like you are moving forward, you will move forward. Depression stems from a lost sense of self and idea of helplessness--it's all in the mind and so, since the problem is within you, so is the solution. If you don't think what you do is meaningful, then do something you think IS. Go outside and compliment everyone you meet. Pay for someone's coffee. Grab some friends and offer free hugs and highfives in a crowded place. Plan a book you want to write or a story you want to tell. Keep moving because I personally don't think much has come from my own mind when I sit and angst in my room. Don't envy those that are in a coma, they are loosing their lives in limbo without even the ability to truly fight. You still can. Never be regretful of having feelings. It is far better to have too many than too little. Those that don't get to experience the full spectrum of emotion don't get to experience the full spectrum of life.

Stop thinking about what the world would be like without you--that road only leads to sorrow and in the worst case, death. Start imagining the kind of good you can do for yourself and for others. Imagine the lives you'll touch in the future. The people you can save. You are the protagonist of your own story. The antagonist in someone else's. And in many more you play an important supporting role. In some you may even be the stranger that changes their life in one single moment. Start dreaming and stop thinking so much it's not healthy haha.

Best of luck! Keep trying!

[SeekerOfLife]

Depression is a hard thing to fight. It seems ongoing. I get you. Try to be thankful that your parents are showing that they care in the only ways they know how. They want you to be safe. They are probably hurting just as much as you are. They do not want to lose you.

Hey, want to go sailing with me?

Hang in there.........

We care about you.

[Altered Moment]

Hang in there Bazz. Be grateful you have a family that cares even though they are annoying as hell.

Has you pdoc ever considered giving you another antidepressant along with Remeron?

[Frankbtl]

Hi Ashley, it means something/it means a lot that you're here, you're talking with us, you're you!! Depression can completely blur your vision as to what's underneath, but it's still there!! It might take time for you to start feeling better, to start overcoming the obstacles it's throwing in your way, but we're seeing that person, we're routing for you, and you are so worth fighting for.
So maybe instead of focusing so much on the now (because I know it really isn't that good for you now) try to focus a little more on the future and the steps (however small they may be) to get there. And you have made a great start in that direction by sticking to/being committed to appointments.
As time passes you'll probably see your parents letting up a bit too. Right now, you're their centre of attention, right? But as you're improving for you, that's going to become more noticable to them. So maybe just let them "fuss" for now (doesn't seem like they want to stop!! ), you've got more important things to think about- YOU. And remember what they're doing only has to be "for now".
As for your brothers girlfriend, I wouldn't really worry too much about getting to know her right now. Afterall give you're brother long enough talking about her and you'll probably know her "inside out" anyway!! Then give him a bit more time and he's probably going to be talking less about her anyway.........new relationships and all that!!
Hugs as ever
Alison

[TheOriginalMe]

I too resent the years lost to depression, but without it I wouldn't be me. Who knows I might have been brilliant or I might have done even less with my life. All any of us can do is do our best with what we've got. You've got a strong supportive family. OK they irritate you right now but they are the ones who will help you stand on your own 2 feet you just need to let them know how they can help, try and direct them to support you the way you need rather in the ways that are bugging you.

[bazzinga1990]

Thank you for those wonderful words, It encouraged me to have courage and to fight depression. i've been doing a lot better but i only just now have checked my account and seen what you wrote and wanted to thank you for it.

[bazzinga1990]

Originally Posted by seekersinking

Depression is a hard thing to fight. It seems ongoing. I get you. Try to be thankful that your parents are showing that they care in the only ways they know how. They want you to be safe. They are probably hurting just as much as you are. They do not want to lose you.

Hey, want to go sailing with me?

Thank you for the support and yes, I would like to go sailing.

[bazzinga1990]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I too resent the years lost to depression, but without it I wouldn't be me. Who knows I might have been brilliant or I might have done even less with my life. All any of us can do is do our best with what we've got. You've got a strong supportive family. OK they irritate you right now but they are the ones who will help you stand on your own 2 feet you just need to let them know how they can help, try and direct them to support you the way you need rather in the ways that are bugging you.

thank you, I need to be reminded sometimes of what i do have so, Thank you for reminding me.

[bazzinga1990]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Ashley, it means something/it means a lot that you're here, you're talking with us, you're you!! Depression can completely blur your vision as to what's underneath, but it's still there!! It might take time for you to start feeling better, to start overcoming the obstacles it's throwing in your way, but we're seeing that person, we're routing for you, and you are so worth fighting for.
So maybe instead of focusing so much on the now (because I know it really isn't that good for you now) try to focus a little more on the future and the steps (however small they may be) to get there. And you have made a great start in that direction by sticking to/being committed to appointments.
As time passes you'll probably see your parents letting up a bit too. Right now, you're their centre of attention, right? But as you're improving for you, that's going to become more noticable to them. So maybe just let them "fuss" for now (doesn't seem like they want to stop!! ), you've got more important things to think about- YOU. And remember what they're doing only has to be "for now".
As for your brothers girlfriend, I wouldn't really worry too much about getting to know her right now. Afterall give you're brother long enough talking about her and you'll probably know her "inside out" anyway!! Then give him a bit more time and he's probably going to be talking less about her anyway.........new relationships and all that!!
Hugs as ever
Alison

Thanks Alison, Sorry I have not been on in a while and am just now responding to comments. But i really appreciate your comment, I always do.

[bazzinga1990]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Hang in there Bazz. Be grateful you have a family that cares even though they are annoying as hell.

Has you pdoc ever considered giving you another antidepressant along with Remeron?

I would need to find another one for that. When i was put on it i was in the hospital but I'm actually slowly taking myself off that medication and i'm actually feeling better.

Just seeing this, I just want to say, in your last post, that you said "you are slowly taking yourself off of them. Please don't do that. You need a psychiatrist to know what you are doing. People often feel better when they are on medication, and then think because they feel better they can stop taking it. You shouldn't be stopping without telling your doctor. I hope you are okay.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

Just seeing this, I just want to say, in your last post, that you said "you are slowly taking yourself off of them. Please don't do that. You need a psychiatrist to know what you are doing. People often feel better when they are on medication, and then think because they feel better they can stop taking it. You shouldn't be stopping without telling your doctor. I hope you are okay.

This. +1

I learned that lesson the hard way, unfortunately.

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[littlemiss44]

Hunny it sounds like yr having a really hard time. I'm so sorry. I have to tell you that you are so lucky to have such supportive and loving parents. My parents could care less about me and my illness. I'm so glad them. I wish I had that. My parents are a big contributor to my state of mind and illness. I have no live, no support, no hugs no care. They emotionally abused me so bad growing up and they still try to. I won't allow them to anymore as I know it's wrong. Not to make you feel guilty for having caring parents. Just saying I don't have what you have. Embrace them. Let them care for you. I'm glad you have therapy coming up. We're all here for you so yr not alone. I care. If you ever want to talk you can pm me anytime! I mean it. Take care

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[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

Just seeing this, I just want to say, in your last post, that you said "you are slowly taking yourself off of them. Please don't do that. You need a psychiatrist to know what you are doing. People often feel better when they are on medication, and then think because they feel better they can stop taking it. You shouldn't be stopping without telling your doctor. I hope you are okay.

I agree with this. Find a pdoc if you only had one from the hospital. Maybe it is fine for you to go off meds and see how you do but you should do it under the care of a pdoc.