[Swan61]

I am an older person, 61, female.....I am depressed and have ptsd. Have been working with a T for 7 months. Throughout my life, i have had a large amt of stress and anxiety, and have had fleeting periods of happiness. It seems like nothing lasts in my life except the depression and sadness. I was married for 25 years, of which we were together for 16 of those years, 9 of seperation before divorce....that was another 26 years ago. I have never gotten over losing my husband, and the affects it had on my 2 daughters since he left us when they were 11 and 12. I have had depression for most of my life. I have gotten into self harm earlier and lately was going through a phase of being suicidal.

My T had my MD change my depression med to Prozac and i have been feeling some better since going on it and don't feel as suicidal any more...last week i had a session with my T and he feels i have made improvement in my mood, and i was so very happy that some of my foggy thinking was lifting and i am beginning to start experiencing life a little better.

My problem at hand is that i don't sleep at night well at all, and try as i might, i cannot get on a daytime schedule. I am sleeping 12, 14 and sometimes 16 hrs a day and do not get things done. I am retired, but i feel like i am wasting my life and this is affecting my moods now. I feel like i am incapable of actually living my life, i live opposite the world, i can't make any plans and i opt out of anything people want me to do. My time is spent in front of my computer and tv. I don't want to go shopping to get whatever i need and i cannot get myself to do anything during the day. I am so sad and upset with myself i spend a lot of time missing my husband and family and crying about it, while i won't do anything to help myself. What is wrong with me? Is there a diagnosis for not allowing myself to ever be happy and live? I have a daughter out of town and one lives near me, but doesn't have any interraction with me because she is so busy with family and college. I have one friend i talk to every day and my T, who i see weekly....Do some people go through life and are never happy, ever and then just die? I just lost my sister (younger) to cancer in Oct and she would have doing anything to keep living....this makes me so guilty, that i feel so miserable all the time and she wanted to live. What is wrong with me?

Hi I'm sorry you seem so unhappy with life. I think you will get more responses if you make a thread of your own in this forum.

Originally Posted by Swan61

I am an older person, 61, female.....I am depressed and have ptsd. Have been working with a T for 7 months. Throughout my life, i have had a large amt of stress and anxiety, and have had fleeting periods of happiness. It seems like nothing lasts in my life except the depression and sadness. I was married for 25 years, of which we were together for 16 of those years, 9 of seperation before divorce....that was another 26 years ago. I have never gotten over losing my husband, and the affects it had on my 2 daughters since he left us when they were 11 and 12. I have had depression for most of my life. I have gotten into self harm earlier and lately was going through a phase of being suicidal.

My T had my MD change my depression med to Prozac and i have been feeling some better since going on it and don't feel as suicidal any more...last week i had a session with my T and he feels i have made improvement in my mood, and i was so very happy that some of my foggy thinking was lifting and i am beginning to start experiencing life a little better.

My problem at hand is that i don't sleep at night well at all, and try as i might, i cannot get on a daytime schedule. I am sleeping 12, 14 and sometimes 16 hrs a day and do not get things done. I am retired, but i feel like i am wasting my life and this is affecting my moods now. I feel like i am incapable of actually living my life, i live opposite the world, i can't make any plans and i opt out of anything people want me to do. My time is spent in front of my computer and tv. I don't want to go shopping to get whatever i need and i cannot get myself to do anything during the day. I am so sad and upset with myself i spend a lot of time missing my husband and family and crying about it, while i won't do anything to help myself. What is wrong with me? Is there a diagnosis for not allowing myself to ever be happy and live? I have a daughter out of town and one lives near me, but doesn't have any interraction with me because she is so busy with family and college. I have one friend i talk to every day and my T, who i see weekly....Do some people go through life and are never happy, ever and then just die? I just lost my sister (younger) to cancer in Oct and she would have doing anything to keep living....this makes me so guilty, that i feel so miserable all the time and she wanted to live. What is wrong with me?

[Frankbtl]

Hi Swan, It sounds like things have been really hard for you but it is good that you've started seeing a T and that they are starting to find a better balance of medication for you. It may just be that they need to change the dosage a little or add a different medication to help you a little more and with the tiredness (?) /sleeping. And it can take time to find the right combination of medication, but after feeling like you have for so long at least you have some positive steps in place to gradually start overcoming this.
The separation/divorce and the things leading up to them must have effected you really deeply, afterall you were together a long time. And separation/divorce can be very similar to a grieving process so that alongside your depression would naturally be so hard for you. It can take some people a lot of therapy to come to terms with/move on from an experience like that. But while it's early days in the therapy process you have got started, you are on the right tracks.
And please don't be so tough on yourself as to where you are right now. I know the depression holds a responsibility for making you feel that way but just know that it isn't telling you the truth:
It's not about you wasting time, it's about the depression making it really hard for you to either feel motivated or able to do things;
It's not yourself you should be upset with, you're not choosing to do/not to do some things, the depression is deciding that for you;
It's not about you not doing anything to help yourself, it's the depression putting obstacles in your way (although you are doing something, something big, you're seeing your T and you are working with them to fnd some medication that might help);
That's not so say that it needs to be this way forever though. I know I've thrown medication in a bit, but it might (along with the therapy) just start to open some doors for you to start feeling more able to be in control of things, to take actions to help you live more of the life you want to, to feel better about yourself and your life......which in time may take the place of the medication and therapy.
As for feeling guilty about living when your sister passed away, well I'm guessing that your sister really wouldn't want you to be thinking that way?? And it's her memory you're wanting to honor, right?? So perhaps instead cherish her for who she was and focus on all the good you brought into each others lives?? I'm sure it's there!!
Then feeling guilty can be part of the grieving process and something you might need to really focus on "letting go" of. It can take time, but........
And after the bereavement of your sister you have to allow for the pain it must have caused you, and allow yourself to work through that.
As for your daughters, do you think that you could initiate a little more contact? even just in telephone calls? Sometimes time can just vanish without people realizing that they've been missing out on that all important contact with those closest to them. Perhaps you could take that stand in ensuring that that time doesn't just slide by, it might be just as important to them that they hear from you as it will be for you to hear from them.
Alison

Hello Swan61: Well... I'm 65. I'd say everything you describe is pretty much symptomatic of what I'll call: "aging depression". I have experienced pretty much the same thing. I've been miserable most of my life. (And in the process I've made most everyone around me miserable too.) Then, on top of that, as we get older, we begin to see that time & options are getting shorter, & that is distressing too. I don't have any great remedies for this to suggest. I just wanted to let you know that you're sure not alone in what you're feeling...

[Swan61]

Thank you to those who responded, I am a little better today. I didn't mention that I am also taking Xanax, and have not taken it for 2 days to see if i can get my sleep going better. I got up today, had an appointment to do taxes...did a little shopping and have been awake all day since 10 am...I am going to sleep soon so i can be up and ready for a 2 pm appointment to see my T. I So far so good....I am feeling somewhat anxious tonight having nausea and nervous stomach, which i usually have when triggered....I still am not what sure triggers me.

I truly appreciate all your comments everyone made to try to help me...it does help to hear others' opinion. And at the same time difficult to bring it all up...it's like it makes things happen because of bringing it up. It is all so confusing to sort out.

Is it really worth working on all this and bringing it all up again worth it for someone at my age? It feels like it is so late in life now, when my trauma was at age 6. I had therapy for panic and anxiety in my 20's, with very little work done on my trauma. I thought it was gone till i retired after having a stroke 5 years ago, and having so many changes happening the last few years....now the anxiety has reared it's ugly head, and I feel like i have gone back in time as far as my emotional state! I really don't want to get so upset all the time, I just need some peace and happiness to go on. The loss of my sister is so difficult, we were so close and she understood me more than anyone else in my life. The therapy helps some, but at times it stresses me out so badly and I am afraid what is coming next, will I feel worse before getting better, is it going to be difficult to deal with the trauma again???.....all this goes through my mind. My T is truly a saint and he is so patient with me, he is so kind and understanding and i am so lucky to have found him. I just need to know what to do to get better. Once again, thank you everyone for your kind helpful words to me.

[Altered Moment]

I am 50 and the depression is getting worse over the last five years. I do not know if aging causes this or not. But yes there is a name for it, it is called depression. It gets our circadian rhythms and sleep all messed up. The Prozac could be doing it too. So getting back on a normal sleep cycle can really help. I know it is hard and I often stay up all night and sleep all day when I am in a really bad depression.

Taking Melatonin can help because that is what gets all whacked or even some kind of sleep med. I take Remeron each night and it does the job and is very harmless. I go to bed at the same time each night and have really gotten back on track. The problem is when I am depressed even if I have a great sleep cycle going I still want to sleep during the day to escape even though I am not tired at all. I will even take tylenol pm or half a remeron just so I can escape in sleep for awhile. No good because that makes it all that much harder to sleep that night. I hate the light and love the dark when i am deeply depressed so it is hard.

Yes, I always feel the same way... what's the use of messing around with all of this now? And, for the most part, I don't. But, the reality of the situation is that it won't leave me alone either. So, to some extent, I don't have a choice. It's embarrassing at my age. I don't have a therapist. So, to some extent at this point, PC is my therapy.