depression sucks

still me still depressed still at home still worried.

i am still set off into a fit of anxiety by many little things and that makes me think i will never be able to work again. certainly not in the near future. i can't even motivate myself to take any steps at all for considering jobs, looking for jobs, trying to get out on a regular routine.

i have been working so hard at this for so long. i don't feel any closer to a solution. i can't do this forever. i'm already almost out of money and that's not considering that i haven't paid my mortgage in 5 months and the bank is still deciding what to do about it.

i also saw a friend last week, sorry i neglected to post about it, the guy i posted about a while ago, the one i was in love with, then felt akward with, then felt abandoned by. he came to visit and i had to be honest with him. i don't feel like i trust him anymore. i don't feel he has any influence in my life to be a positive support for me no matter what he does. there were more misunderstandings behind it (there is no doubt that this is the truth, i don't think he would make up excuses) but a lot is he keeps assuming things and he always assumes wrong. a year ago he stopped contacting me because he assumed i didn't want to hear from him. we went over that, since then i've been in the hospital, we reconnected, i told him how important he is to me... and yet he still drifted away to other things and now because of just a few things that happened in the interim he assumed again that i didn't want to hear from him. i couldn't have made it any clearer that that will never be the case.

i don't think he is acting out of fear, he seems very very comfortable and knowledgeable about my illness and never showed signs of being uncomfortable that i had feeling for him other then friendship at one point.

i'm just back into self pity mode because the real issue is if i have a friend with some problem and i have a feeling he doesn't want to talk to me, if i feel he needs something i'll take the risk and go out of my way to visit even if it means that they really didn't want to see me and i risk getting hurt. i don't have anyone who can help me even when i am clear to people that i want help and i need help. he called a few times when i was having bad sleep problems and i was sleeping when he called. when i knew he had called i tried to make sure i always emailed him late at night when i was up to tell him i was sorry i missed his call and it was because i was sleeping. he knows i am suffering badly, he knows i was having sleep problems, yet still he assumed that i wasn't taking his calls because i didn't want to talk to him.

like i said the situation is such that i really don't think he's lying, just, hate to say this, STUPID. and that's the best i got here. and i told him that in the state i'm in i can't deal with that because it hurts me even if it a valid reason.

i don't know why i'm off about that now. all night i've just been worried about working, just like yesterday and last week and the last 5 months. i can't keep this like this. i am just crippled when it comes to doing something about it. i can't even take all this energy and put it into something productive like taking steps to find a job. when i even start to think about taking a real step i just shut down completely.

i just can't find myself with a future. can't picture or imagine or plan it. and my hear and now ain't so groovy right now either. i'm just really letting my bills and my home go to pot, same problem.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dexter}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm going to attempt to respond to this even though I have had a horrible attitude all day, and I usually avoid answering posts when I am this way because I'm afraid it will come out all wrong. So I hope I can manage this and please understand just in case, know what I mean?

Life is hard. Life with depression is harder. We ought to be able to count on our friends, but if we count on that, we will be disappointed. Depression makes you see all the times that you can't count on them anyway, and overlook the times when they come through. It makes it hard to follow through with what we know we really need to be doing in order to get better or just to live life. I'm sorry that you have been having such a hard time, and I know that you are trying. One of the best things you are doing is helping other people even while you are struggling yourself. You are really a wonderful person.

What I see you needing to do is make yourself focus on the things you need to do, one small step at a time. You don't have to jump in and start trying to find a job right now, but if you would apply for vocational rehabilitation that would indicate your desire to be working again when you can. You would have one more somebody on your side to encourage you and help you find some direction. They would not push you to get back into the swing of things before you are ready. In fact, I went through voc. rehab and I got frustrated that they went so slow - I wanted to be doing something and they didn't feel like it was time for that yet.

Even though it is hard, keep trying to recruit people who can help you, even if it is friends on-line, but hopefully you can find someone in 3-D too.

Can you spend 15 minutes per day on your bills? Set a timer so you know that you can stop when it goes off. Also set a timer and work on your home for 15 minutes, or even 5. Just as you can. The thing about mental health is nobody can pull you out and fix everything - you have to do the work yourself, even when it is hard.

I hope that things start looking up for you very soon.
Wendy

<font color=orange>"They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." ... from the Director of Censorship...

</font color=orange>

I'll just creep out for a sec and support what Wendy has said. Dave, you are such an awesome person. Your caring and concern for others here is wonderful.

How I wish you could turn some of that onto yourself as well. Even just those 5 min. per day would help you get back into thinking about doing things. It may motivate you to boost up the time in a week or two.

Please take some time for you. You have such a gift and it is a waste not to use it with people in 3D. I appreciate your input here online, that's for sure.

Mary Alice

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

i am still set off into a fit of anxiety by many little things and that makes me think i will never be able to work again. certainly not in the near future. i can't even motivate myself to take any steps at all for considering jobs, looking for jobs

<hr></blockquote>

I definatly know how you feel with this, I have struggled to look for a job and keep a job and jobs right now I just haven't been able to get or keep.

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

he keeps assuming things and he always assumes wrong

<hr></blockquote>

[b]I have this problem with my boyfriend. He assumes that I don't want to work, He assumes I wont get my drivers license again, it drives me nuts and further depresses me. I know that feeling all to well.

You say that you have no one to help you, have you seeked therapy for your depression and anxiety. Anxiety use to take over my life, it has put things on hold but I CAN go to interview and so forth. I do alot of postive self talk that has helped greatly. I rarely get panic attacks anymore and my anxiety is very minimal, around jobs it's high but I have gone for them, just with no luck.

Here are some great anxiety books that I think will help you with yours. One book called<font color=red> Don't Panic By R.Ried Wilson ph.d</font color=red> has helped me out greatly, I've never had a book affect me in such a postive way as this one has. The other anxiety book is called. <font color=red>The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, third edtion by Edmund J Bourne.</font color=red> I belive that is his name.

Hang in there, I know it is tough, but you will get through it as I have, just think postive .... Take care.[/b

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Did it occur to you that this guy just may not have the capability to "feel and understand" deep enough to understand what you are saying to him?

My husband is a young teenager emotionally. Very self-centered, demanding just like a teenager would be, but the hardest lesson I had to learn about him is that he just isn't capable of giving and showing mature love. He didn't grow up emotionally. He's not stupid by any means, but he simply can't understand why he is expected to return the mature love that is given him.

Maybe that's what's wrong with your friend. It's really frustrating and hurtful, isn't it?

Dave, refresh my memory; are you taking anti-depressants? If you are, they don't seem to be doing their job. Maybe you need an increase? This really is taking too long for you, isn't it?

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Thanks everyone. i am still trying. with regard to practical things, i have tried doing things like just bills for 15 minutes, tried setting a specific time of day (at 2:00 i will work on bills for a half hour) and lots of other things. i just can not get started. i have not given up on it yet though. there are some times during the day when i think i can get started. when i try to act on it, either setting a plan, or just striking when i have the energy and enthusiam and right when the thought crosses my mind, at that point even just the first physical movement toward the bills i just use it all. i usually end up with an almost instantaneous energy drain that puts me back in bed. two days in a row now i did manage to stay out of bed all day though.

i do want to look into voc rehab. it was suggested a while ago but i learned a short time ago (mostly from the people here) that with the options available i could find something good there. i guess originally the name had me thinking of learning to make license plates or something, like they train you what they want to train you. i didn't know that i might be able to get money for school for some of the things i want to learn anyway.

anyway i do keep that in mind but i'm still at the same point where i just drain when i even think about making the first call or even looking up the number. i have been working on this specifically with my therapist.

sundance yes i am in therapy and with a pdoc. short history: i've been depressed about two years with not much treatment, got really bad 5 months ago and i went into the hospital for a week, left for a day program until insurance ran out and have been in weekly therapy ever since. have been unable to go back to work since the hospital stay.

one thing that makes this so difficult is part of my philosophy of mind and healing that i've developed my whole life. many of you here know i am struggling with philosophical issues of things i deeply believed that i am not sure about any more. equivalent of reconnecting with my religion.

i've dealt with serious illness much of my life and for a long time i have believed in a balance between medicine and mind. i strongly believe that your state of being is strongly linked with your state of wellness, even for diseases that seem purely mechanical. I am not someone who believe that everything can be cured by believing. I always value medicine and doctors. but i also believe they are not the whole story of what is going on. sometimes it seems like only western doctors are hung up on the idea of science and nothing else. at a minimum i believe that even with the best doctor's care, you can not get back to health unless you have a good state of mind to do so as well.

a common example is cold and flu season. once i took that philosophy to heart i hardly ever got a cold anymore. when i do i don't try to "work through it" i don't necessarily take the day off work, but i do not load up on medications that only cure the symptoms. i try to get as much rest as i can, and i will stay home from work when i need to. it is not that i don't believe in viruses and communicable diseases but i really believe there is a factor that when i get sick, my body is trying to give me a signal to slow down and take a rest. when i do that the cold usually passes very quickly.

with the depression everything is topsy turvy because i don't know what to believe. with regard to the depression itself i strongly believe that which is why i keep fighting it and trying to remain as hopeful as possible. but with the side effects of depression it is hard to know which ones to "listen to" and which ones are the depression lying to me. if causes a very fundamental disconnect. the sleep thing has been such a huge problem that often even my doctors think that maybe it is not always the depression, maybe by body really needs the rest. the arthritis i have could be causing mechanical stress that my body needs rest to deal with. but i believe i am the only one who can really distinguish that and it is hard to find a balance. i can't just sleep all day everyday. if i am sleeping because of the depression that is bad for curing the depression. if my body really needs the rest and i am fighting to stay awake, that weakens me and would also be bad for the depression.

Like EVERYTHING else in life the answer is to find the right balance. something i used to be very good at-balance between happiness and depression, work and fun, alone time and together time. the yin and yang thing. the depression not only throws the balance off it also throws off the ability to see or judge the balance. it is like an illness that attacks the immune system, working on the "mind" part of the equation instead of the "body" part of the equation. impairs my ability to figure out what i have to do to heal myself.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

yes i am on antidepressants and still in the process of adjusting meds and doses to find something that works.

this guy definitely DOES have the capacity to feel and understand on many levels. he understand the illness, he is compassionate and caring (that's what attracted him to me in the first place) and he is known by everyone to be one of the most kind and sensitive and giving people around. where he "fails" is in trying to figure out what to do. he assumes and acts wrong even when i tell him specifically otherwise. i think staying out of contact with me is very hard for him to do and i think it hurts him but he does it because he thinks i want him to leave me alone. maybe this time it got through because instead of just telling him about my expectations i really opened up and told him how hurtful his actions are to me, even though they are with good intentions. i think he responded to that. i can't keep making the effort to keep explaining this to him though. if we drift again it is going to have to be him to try to open the door i can't put up with the pain anymore. i told him that too and so far he has stayed in contact and seems to understand. we will have to rebuild trust for each other through. i am willing because he is a special person and i would like to have him as a friend, but we have to rebuild that friendship again and the majority of my efforst are in other areas right now.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I wish you the best, in that area and all others, too.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Dear Dave,

Like you I have to go to work soon. I have to start looking for a job but I don't. As if the job is going to come running to me, but I know it will not.
Every mornig lately I say to myself, ok today you are going to look for jobs. But I instantly blocked the idea away. I know I have the energy to work because I never stop at home. I keep myself busy all the time. But I also almost never get out of my house.

I know why I don't want to go to work and I also know I have to get over that reason. But deep inside me if I didn't need to go to work, I wouldn't go, not because I'm lazy but because I know what will happen.

I wonder if you have a deep reason why you are struggling with this work thing.

I wish I could help you but I'm not good at giving advices. All I can say is that I care for you and I hope you will feel better soon.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dave)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

nightdream

I've been thinking about you... and this guy. It seems so obvious that maybe I'm wrong. Could it be he has really low self esteem and that's why he thinks you don't want to be around him? Just another shot in the dark, Hun.

It's good your energies are turned toward getting yourself better. Relationships are difficult enough on their own without complicating them with "baggage."

I'm sensing just a bit more "acceptance" of where you are right now. It's okay... in fact, it's good. You don't need to be beating yourself up about something you are already working on. You've got such a good head and a huge heart! Give yourself credit for that often!



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

>>Could it be he has really low self esteem and that's why he thinks you don't want to be around him?

that did occur to me as a possibility. i think it is unlikely but possible.he is very open with stuff and not withdrawn. both before and now he is very "aggressive" when he visits (which is why I thought he was gay the first time around). but he is also very modest (always has been) about his accomplishments and sometimes i have wondered if that is covering a self esteem issue. i initially ruled it out because it seems implausable in his case but i've been thinking maybe he has low confidence in some areas but not overall. like he thinks he is good and deserving but doesn't trust his judgement under some situations.

that is a very good thought though and may turn out to be right all or at least a little.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

"By George, I think we've got it!" Now it's up to you to decide what you're gonna do with that tidbit of info. Just stay focused on you, Sweetie. My money is on you.



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>