[painisme]

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real, oh

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending
Controlling, I can't seem
To find myself again, my walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting (Distracting)
Reacting
Against my will I'll stand beside my own reflection (My own reflection)
It's haunting (It's haunting)
How I can't seem
To find myself again, my walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real

(There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface)
(Consuming)
Confusing what is real
(This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending)
(Controlling)
Confusing what is real

[Grey Matter]

I have been mostly down since I returned from the hospital. I am getting really tired of "heart to heart"s people are having with me that just shame me. eh.

[regretful]

As the low-grade depression continues, I am beginning to think that dysthymia will be my epitaph...

[dandylin]

Having fleeting bad thoughts. Not feeling very optimistic for future, at this point. On the other hand, I am done with school until next fall

Had kind of a full day of activity yesterday with my husband, which has spurred me to action today: I've taken steps to apply for two paralegal jobs. I've just gotten to the point where I cannot stay home and feel useless ANYMORE. Not sure if I can actually hold down a job, but I'm willing to try again.

Originally Posted by regretful

As the low-grade depression continues, I am beginning to think that dysthymia will be my epitaph...

regretful, I'm glad you believe you are experiencing only a low-grade depression. That's a step up from where you've been, isn't it? Must put you on the low end of the "rating your depression" scale now, huh? I'm jealous . . .

[regretful]

Originally Posted by newgal2

regretful, I'm glad you believe you are experiencing only a low-grade depression. That's a step up from where you've been, isn't it? Must put you on the low end of the "rating your depression" scale now, huh? I'm jealous . . .

Yeah...from an 8.5 down to a simmering 7.5 (I guess). So, I suppose there is jealousy; but I am working my way back to that 8.5 or 9. Who says a watched pot never boils?

[StarStrike]

Slept until half past one in the afternoon. All I've done is sit at the computer since I've got up. I'm exhausted. I feel like going back to bed.

[bronzeowl]

I have become one of those cynical people that used to annoy me when I was a teenager. I keep wondering what one has to say or do to get someone to talk to them longer than 5 seconds. Voice their desire to end it all? Not annoy them? I don't know. People. Sick of a lot.

Depression is coming back. Relapse is getting closer. I don't care anymore. I am right back to where I was a year ago. Before it all fell apart. And I just. Do not have the energy to care.

[MotherMarcus]

Doing okay today. I've started riding my bike again. I've only gone out about 3 times for 20 minutes each. It's a start.

[mulan]

Life...What is it, anyway? I wish I had someone that I could open honestly about this subject.
Now I have a sure, a sad one, but something I need to get use to. I will never have a life, or what other people call a life, I will never have real friends and real memories. I will never be in one place and feel like I am in reality, I never did.
My only wish is not to get alone. If I get alone, then I will lose myself. I am literally nothing without people around me to give me some of their joy and energy. The sad part is that I can't give nothing to them, no one will stick to a person that don't offers nothing in return. If I don't have memories I can't miss anything.
I can make myself go around in this world where I'm not doing anything, while I'm not there, I can do the things that I'm supose to do in order to survive, like have a job, earn money. Like I allways did, do what I have to do.
But have a life is not so that simple, I need people that don't need me.
Meds, therapy? What meds, what therapy? This way of not existing belongs to me, and I don't belong anywhere, to anything. I had born to be like this way. Who am I lying to! This feeling is how it feels to be me, this is who I am. I can cover it and pretend for some hours that I am and feel exactly how the other people do, but that isn't true. And I sincerely doubt that it will be any diferent. I may be smart, I may have some good talents, I may be someone with a good heart. But unfortunatly nothing of that is enough. I will never be able to enjoy life, just because of the fact that I'm not really in the life. It's a sad, annoying true and God, how I wish it was different. I can keep dreaming those silly girl dreams. I can dream about finding love, about built a life...but I'm completly, absolutly sure that it won't ever be true. Because I can't, this is how my brain allways work, even that I don't understand why. Nobody will ever understand, nobody will ever figure it out, nobody will ever help me. I know for sure, I can see it surprinsingly good now. It's a shame. I could have been someone. I could have use my talents to be something I like. I will not say goodbye to life, in fact, how am I supose to say goodbye to something that I never met? But I won't either say hello to it, ever. I will be around, you will see me and perceibe me as a real person, I will never know if I ever existed. **** you life!

[TheOriginalMe]

Kept busy today. Spent time in the garden, which is very, very weedy and overgrown, full of bugs and beasties and has been neglected. Despite my poor efforts there are some really pretty plants all doing their best to greet spring with their flowers. I have an early climbing rose called Canary Bird, it has sunny yellow flowers right now. Next to Canary Bird is a delicate white flowered shrub called Exochorda it is truly beautiful. I also saw that there is a Great Tit nest in a crack in my garage wall, for such tiny nestlings they make a huge amount of noise.

I spent the day doing nice things and although the effort made to do them was huge and I nearly gave up several times, I made it and I'm satisfied. Hopefully, I'm returning to a more functioning depression and maybe soon I'll feel something more than satisfaction, perhaps if I'm lucky pleasure will return.

[Bigmike727]

Well, finished my last exams today, atleast for now. I am feeling very relieved.

[BrokenGlass]

Today was a low.... Real low.... Almost have up on even trying to function... Almost just have up..

Hanging in there

[smmath]

Not a very good day. Still depressed and stressed and I am very overwhelmed.

[Hellion]

I've been better.

Just sitting at home now. Time's passing. Don't know what I'm going to do.

[seeminglyreal]

I am so tired of waking up so sad. As soon as I open my eyes, my chest feels heavy and it feels as if someone is tugging down my heart, and I just want to cry and cry and cry... And the realisation of how lonely I am sets in and I want to cry even more. God, I just want it to end.

It's day four of my four day weekend and we're about to go to the zoo. I made it to my birthday thanks to everyone here!

[StarStrike]

I got up this morning in one of my weird moods. Paced around the flat, had an argument with myself, swore at nothing and giggled repeatedly, SI'd several times, got into a tizzy, sat on the sofa with my head in my hands, picked up a plushie, forgot why I picked the damn thing up and got frustrated with the voices in my head. I'm in a really weird state of mind and cannot function properly today it seems. So, I phoned in sick at the library. I'm no use to anyone like this. Well my doctor visit went okay. I answered all of his questions. He kept trying to convince me that it's all in my head and that it's just a part of some illness is what goes on everyday. He expressed quite a lot of worry, shocked by the number of fresh wounds on my wrist and was keen to put me on medication. He told me what it's for. It's to make the voices go quiet. But he didn't want me on too high of a dosage so I'm only on 1mg of Risperidone. The one thing that irks me is, he hasn't told me what the hell is actually wrong with me. All I know is that I'm mentally ill and I need my mental health team's help.